My ex husband will not collect the kids from school on his days - what can I actually do?!

[Pleasegotobed]

It was an abusive relationship with coercive control. I’ve been doing all the school runs and dropping the kids to him on his days for a while because he threatened to withdraw my youngest from school without my consent / not collect him and at the time I could so it was just easier. But I’m starting a job soon (have been studying) so it just won’t be possible.

We don’t have 50/50 atm - they’re with me more. I’ve offered to change days if that helps but he won’t agree. He won’t agree that they stay with me more, he wants them dropped to him. Gave him over a months notice and he still just left them at school last week and then issued a sio citing that I am abusing the kids by not collecting them for him. Bizarrely he is also taking me to court for 50/50 at the same time…

Im planning to collect them and bring them to me so he has to pick them up but then he’ll just use me as free after school childcare won’t he?! But i can’t just leave them at school… I really don’t know what to do!

I think as you have subsequently agreed to collect the kids from school, and he has written evidence if this, the court order has been superceded

Is there a Woman’s Aid/ Domestic Abuse service in your area that you can ask for support from? I wonder if they could help you to navigate this all?

Indefinitely though? I've done it for months and months... I gave him a lot of notice I needed it to change...
I guess the difficulty is where things are "by agreement" and then that agreement ends.. Solicitor says the court order is unaffected, particularly as I was coerced into doing it but I am aware that if it gets to court they can essentially do whatever they want...

A court is not going to side with him over this. You need to start playing just as hard against him. Do not be available to collect the kids. He has to. Then, when he doesn’t, and you go and get them late, keep them. Lock your door and do not answer to him. He only gets them if he collects from school.

If he doesn’t change and you have your new job to start then you’re going to have to find childcare and do not tell him where the kids are. He doesn’t get them unless he agrees to cancel the childcare and collect from school like he should.

You definitely need to stop doing it so it's not the established.

Obviously you will go as per the agreement with the Head.

Clear email to him stating that the court order still stands and that he bullied you into the current agreement and you notified him on X date that you would no longer do this as per the terms of CO. That he has failed to collect since (with dates). That if he fails to collect from school you will not be making the DC available for contact with him as you will have other plans with them instead. Copy to his solicitor.

Clear audit trail.

I also actually never actually agreed to do it in writing! He asked me to do it, I said I would if he covered the cost of the fuel (he lives an hour away from school), he refused, so I said I wouldn't. He then said he would just take our youngest out of school if I didn't do it... he had him in his care that evening and said I had to "reply by 7pm with your decision so I can tell him which school he's going to in the morning"....
I'm hugely paraphrasing, it was actually a lot worse than this. But that's how I ended up in this situation!

Have you gone back to court since those emails? Seriously, he is going to receive a huge dressing down from the court for that.

You have to hold firm. It’s going to be hard. You’ll have to have a lot of discussions with the kids about why you are doing this, about how they need to be prepared for long waits but explain why this is important. It’s fine to talk about mental load and responsibilities and the expectation that he pulls his weight etc. Just be open with them, make sure they’ve got extra snacks and a book or something to do while they wait.

You have to fight back.

Also write in the is letter what he said to get you to agree.

Even use the terms this was coercive and bullying.

Is he now blocked from your phone so he can't make these writes other than in writing?

Are you using a court approved app for contact communication, you need to be.

I would not be collecting them. If you rollover on this then you will do forever. Before you know it you will be going round to his house each morning to collect them, make their dinner there, wash their clothes there etc. It will be like you never split up which is probably the long term goal for him

Wouldn’t that just punish the kids? None of their parents coming to collect them. I wouldn’t do that to my kids just to punish the ex. He seems like a total dick and personally I would be trying to get the kids to be with me 100% of the time.

I think you need to hold tight until you are back in court.

You need to gather all of the documentation in the respect of the current agreement, then document in a diary all of the incidences where kids have not been collected as agreed.

Dont argue with him. Its useless with a narc. You just need to fight back silently.

Once youre back in court, make the number of incidences it has not been adhered to known. Make clear what you expect to happen - that on his days, its his responsibility to collect the kids. If he can't commit to that, you will need to change the arrangements so that dad takes the kids at the weekend when there is no school. And this will be the entire weekend (assuming their dad doesnt work weekends here).

This will probably change his mind if the whole weekend will be essentially "taken" from him.

My ex also wanted me to go and pick up DS if he was at his in every instance despite having a car himself and living less than 3 miles apart. I put my foot down. I said if DS is with him, he needs to bring him home. If he refused, I just didnt answer my phone and waited at home until he eventually did. He eventually gave in.

However, on the school point, I understamd you cant do this as I wouldnt want my son left at school with none picking him up. This is where you need tp document etc to back yourself up.

Which is exactly what is he relying on. He is happy to leave the kids with no one to collect them and play chicken with their mum because he knows she will break first. Her kids aren’t toddlers though, so it doesn’t have to work.

She has an open and honest conversation with her kids and prepares them for a few tough school evenings ahead. And then she refuses to blink so dad has to or social services are called on him, not on her. If she is a couple of hours away when school finishes, but can show a court order saying that it’s his responsibility plus an email
shwping she has reminded him and made it clear that she won’t be available then nothing is coming back on her. They will come down on him.

Completely incorrect. Social services will also come down on OP for not protecting her kids from their dads fuckwittery. She also knows he's refusing to collect them and has for months. She needs to ensure they're collected. However, she doesn't have to do what he wants, which is drop them to him. She's absolutely entitled to say he's not collected for contact as per order and she's taken them back to hers and refuse to let him pick them up. He can not have that contact, or arrange childcare himself.

I’d reply and say that I didn’t agree by choice as you thread tend to remove the child from
school and it was conceived control and as you’ve sought advise since then, you are sticking to the court order and will return to court with all the evidence of the email/text exchange.

Buy would you really want to leave your kids with their irresponsible and abusive father? I’d be fighting to remove them from him, not give him more time with them. If it were me, I’d want to protect them from him. I’d be gathering evidence that he is not covering his responsibilities, that he is not collecting them from school, that he does not come to pick them up, that he is threatening me to remove them from school if I don’t do as he asks. but that’s just me.

@kcchiefette has the right approach.

You can't negotiate with him. Log everything, screen shot everything and then categorise it for court so it's nice and clear.
Ex has kids on xxx days. Yy days he failed to pick up from school as per court order and so I had to pick them up.
Ex sent ZZZ abusive messages during the period 01.2024 to 04.2024 threatening to impact welfare of kids (beg changing school or to prevent them from going to school)
Ex sent Aaa abusive messages to me during the period threatening my welfare.

Then present this pack to court.

Why don’t you just keep them at your house?
youa rent refusing contact, its in the court order he picks them up so if he wants contact he picks them up if not from school then yours.
have you checked with school whether he can actually remove the kids without your permission? I wouldn’t have thought it would be that easy and as school knows the situation if he ever didn’t bring them to school then they could send someone round to his house.

You agreed to collect them when you were able to. Things are now going to change so you will no longer be able to do it. I can't see the court penalising you for this, it's him who is being totally unreasonable.

Stressful as it is, stick to your guns. I'm sure the court will have seen it all before and will know exactly what's going on here. I have no doubt your ex will be flabbergasted and think it totally unbelievable when he fails to get 50/50.

I think you need to let him take you to court. You’re not going to have to pay if it comes from him. (Otherwise, take him to court and have him responsible for costs.) They will look into how he quit his well-paid job to spend time with the kids he promptly refused to collect and he will have proven that he is an abusive prick.

Yeah the judge in our financial hearing clearly thought he was a massive prick (and he lost the case so quitting his job really didn’t help him!). we’ve only had financial court stuff since this happened and he very righteously told the story of making me collect them and how to the judge whose face was an absolute picture! But obv they don’t make any decisions on the kids there…
Ive applied for legal aid this week so hopefully ill be able to be represented- it’s much much harder when you’re doing it yourself.

It must be so stressful! You're doing a good job, OP, and your kids can see that. Just sending my sympathy and solidarity.

Just a thought OP and others on here with more knowledge / experience can pull this idea apart.

What would happen if they went to either his home or his work by taxi?

Obviously not any old taxi but there are companies that take children to school for various reasons.

So head calls him, he doesn't answer or says he can't pick up so head then calls the taxi.

I know children are not weapons but I would think the second time they turned up at his workplace (if not the first) because it will inconvenience him.

maybe a basic phone for the eldest so they can call you and let you know where they are.

@sashh no one would send children anywhere without knowing someone would be there to greet them. And no taxi firm would agree to do it.

I think he’d be fine with that but he lives nearly an hour away from their schools so it’d cost me an absolute fortune.

There is no way he’s going to pay for anything for them. This is the same man that won’t put lunch money on their accounts on his days, and agrees to pay half of a school trip, lets me sign them up, then refuses to pay, banking on the fact I won’t let them go without even if it’s almost impossible for me.

Do you have proof of this? Messages, text emails?

You need to up your game and collect evidence of his crap parenting.

It’s glaringly obvious that he isn’t 50/50 and it’s all just words.

It would be cheaper and easier for the kids to be with you in the week and every other weekend with him. At least that would be one trip a week and they know where they are and who’s going to collect them.

Stop playing his game. You’ve only go to have them available for their time, not running round dropping them off and leaving work early.

I would want the court order to be childcare after school unless he’s at the gate waiting for them - if not they go to after school clubs. Same for drop offs, he drops them to school.

You have the upper hand here and you’re not being smart.