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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex husband will not collect the kids from school on his days - what can I actually do?!

175 replies

Pleasegotobed · 22/04/2024 21:41

It was an abusive relationship with coercive control. I’ve been doing all the school runs and dropping the kids to him on his days for a while because he threatened to withdraw my youngest from school without my consent / not collect him and at the time I could so it was just easier. But I’m starting a job soon (have been studying) so it just won’t be possible.

We don’t have 50/50 atm - they’re with me more. I’ve offered to change days if that helps but he won’t agree. He won’t agree that they stay with me more, he wants them dropped to him. Gave him over a months notice and he still just left them at school last week and then issued a sio citing that I am abusing the kids by not collecting them for him. Bizarrely he is also taking me to court for 50/50 at the same time…

Im planning to collect them and bring them to me so he has to pick them up but then he’ll just use me as free after school childcare won’t he?! But i can’t just leave them at school… I really don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
ToryHater · 22/04/2024 23:55

StormingNorman · 22/04/2024 23:44

I expect they’ll be used to it and respect their mother for standing up for them.

Show quote history

They really won't!! BOTH parents are responsible for picking their children up!

saraclara · 23/04/2024 00:07

Meanwhile the school is picking up the pieces. Like they have to do for everything family-related these days. And the kids, day after day, are the sitting in reception after all the other kids have gone home, recognising that they're in the way because she the teachers are busy and should be somewhere else, but one of them is having to stay within sight of them.

Notthatcatagain · 23/04/2024 00:07

With the best will in the world, no one can make him pick them up. By the same token, no one can make you take them to him. Drop the rope completely, don't ever start any kind of communication with him. If he doesn't come to you to confirm that he is picking them up then you collect them from school, get tea out and go to the cinema. Just completely blank him, don't be available to him in any way

Jk8 · 23/04/2024 01:49

Call the school & inform them of which days their father has them/what's going on with the pulling them out of school-threatening to not pick them up & ask for safeguarding measures (somebody keeps an eye out for them & calls you after 30m/1 hour so you can pick them up if necessary & not to allow them out if their father tries to collect them within school hours ect.

Yes I agree he'll use you as after school care if you just pick them up & bring them home so contact social services & get it in writing that if theyre brought to your house they will support you keeping them their until their next contact days as you've given him notice & have tried to arrange alternatives.

& good luck with your new job!

Nicole1111 · 23/04/2024 04:22

JanglyBeads · 22/04/2024 23:15

Yeah no decent mother is going to stand by, refusing to answer school calling, and allow her kids to be handed over to social services (who would then record it as abandonment by both parents!).

So the alternative is to write to him making it clear that if you pick them up they are staying with you. Although how would the kids react if he turned up shouting the odds?

This is a far better plan than just leaving the kids at school. Given that he’s using the children to control you, I would contact a local domestic abuse charity for emotional support and see if you can get a free session with a solicitor, as you get legal aid for domestic abuse. You can use your time with the solicitor to draft a letter stating that in the event he doesn’t collect the children from school then his right to contact that day will cease, and the children will remain in your care for that night. Share your plan with the school and ask them to call him first before you. On days you take the kids home if he then shows up at your house you just call the police, explain the situation, and show them the court order you have which says he is due to collect from school and the letter from the solicitor. This will give you a nice evidence trail of you being reasonable, especially since the police will have to share their recording of their visit with children’s services. All this will of course be of benefit if it goes back to court.
Edit to add - I’d also recommend getting a ring doorbell!

WillMattandGigi · 23/04/2024 04:44

This man is still trying to control you, he’s lost the control of you in the home, so he is using the only thing he has left, the children. Record and document every interaction, get a ring doorbell and a car dashcam, and record your phone calls then present the evidence at your court hearing, unfortunately he will probably never change, however your children will not be children for ever, and they will make up their minds about what kind of man he is and cut him out of their lives, ultimately he will be the sad pathetic excuse of a father! Good luck x

Wallywobbles · 23/04/2024 04:45

Whatever you else you do please make sure that there is a written trail to take to court.

Wallywobbles · 23/04/2024 04:48

And if he's asking for 50/59 and you are ok with that make sure that time, place, hours, clothes, equipment and everything you can possibly imagine are written into the court order.

If 50/50 doesn't work for you make sure you do a counter demand.

CrispieCake · 23/04/2024 05:58

Can you go back to court and ask to reduce contact to EOW as he is refusing to care for the children on his days?

How old are the kids? You mention secondary - are they old enough that they can just refuse to go to their dad's during the school week? If they're all 11 or older, I wouldn't have thought he'd have a leg to stand on for 50/50 if they don't want it.

PineappleTime · 23/04/2024 06:25

You're still in court? So he will have to explain to the judge why he hasn't been picking his kids up from school? What a knob. Keep all the evidence you have of him refusing to go, get a statement from the head teacher and sort out some after school care for them if you can. You can go into the final hearing with a proposal that works for you and he won't have a leg to stand on.

exomoon · 23/04/2024 06:46

Pick up dd and take her home and don’t answer the door when he comes to collect. He does not get to have dd if he eon’t collect from school.

Note down every time he does this.

ConfusedNoMore · 23/04/2024 06:57

Get a diary just for contact. Write down every time he doesn't pick up or is late (or brings them back early which my ex did/does).

You MUST check the current wording on your order. If days aren't specified then I think you'll have to carry on collecting them after school has rung him if he won't go.

You do not have to drop them at his house and I would not do this.

Courts are keen on school drop off and pick up so there's less chance of conflict and less time parents see each other as far as I can tell.

None of this is reasonable on his part and he is shooting himself in the foot regarding more contact. Mine asked for 50 50 and didn't get it because I proved he didn't turn up for the contact he had already had been awarded.

I used to book childcare for the days I was working when ds was little so that I had reliable care. I was always available when he had my child because ex was unreliable.

jeaux90 · 23/04/2024 06:59

Go back over the court order.

Take a photo of the relevant part and send to him so he knows it's not going to look good back in court in July if he is defying it at all.

And yes if it says pick up from school then he doesn't you take them back to yours.

You should not be doing his pick ups.

Beautiful3 · 23/04/2024 07:11

I'd explain to the head that it's his day of collecting, and if he doesn't show then to contact social services. That way they'd log it as a parenting issue with him, and not you. It will help you in court when he asks for 50/50.

Scarletttulips · 23/04/2024 07:19

Take a photo of the relevant part and send to him so he knows it's not going to look good back in court in July if he is defying it at all

Dont do this. If he bucks his ideas up he could obtain 50/50.

Tou are not his PA he knows full well he has no intention of collecting the child. Just assume that stance and take him home.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 23/04/2024 07:30

If he does not collect them from school then he forfeits his parenting time.

Once you have the children send 1 text or email stating

The school contacted me as the children were not collected and you failed to contact them. As a result I have collected them and will take this as you forfeiting your parenting time.

AND THE BLOCK HIM!
He can't withdraw your youngest, stop believing him.
A SIO will never be granted for that.

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 07:35

endofthelinefinally · 22/04/2024 21:54

I agree with pp to speak to school. You actually need to speak to the safeguarding lead. Has it been agreed that he picks them up from school on his days? Is it in the contact arrangement?
I assume that if he doesn't collect them, school can refer to social services.

@endofthelinefinally if a child isn't collected, school would phone both parents. If Mum refused to collect cos Dad's supposed to, this wouldn't end well. Social work might get a referral, but it's not SW role to lean on Dad to make him collect his kids from school

I sympathise OP. No easy answer.

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 07:40

StormingNorman · 22/04/2024 22:21

This isn’t about the arrangements so stop trying to accommodate him.

He is using school pick ups to control you. And he has you running around after him.

You need to start doing what you would do if he wasn’t in control…not picking the kids up.

Let him know you won’t be doing his pick ups anymore and then let the school know to call him if he’s late. It may be confusing for the kids, but you need to get this piece of shit to respect your boundaries.

When the kids are old enough to understand, they’ll be proud of you x

@StormingNorman easier said than done

If both parents refuse to collect the child, what do you think would happen?

StormingNorman · 23/04/2024 07:42

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 07:40

@StormingNorman easier said than done

If both parents refuse to collect the child, what do you think would happen?

Show quote history

OP would obviously need to go at the last minute. But pick them up and take them home.

By forewarning school they will be aware she isn’t abandoning them.

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 07:45

Beautiful3 · 23/04/2024 07:11

I'd explain to the head that it's his day of collecting, and if he doesn't show then to contact social services. That way they'd log it as a parenting issue with him, and not you. It will help you in court when he asks for 50/50.

@Beautiful3 SW would regard this as failure by both parents

StormingNorman · 23/04/2024 07:46

ToryHater · 22/04/2024 23:55

They really won't!! BOTH parents are responsible for picking their children up!

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This is a bigger situation than school pick ups. When I say leave them at school I obviously don’t mean fucking Indefinitely until SS pick them up.

Pick them up at the last minute after ex has repeatedly refused to and take them home. Let school know in advance what’s going on.

urbanbuddha · 23/04/2024 07:47

You’ll have to find some alternative childcare - if no registered childminder has places can one of the other parents look after your son, or a local babysitter?
Make sure you have a written record of all this, with the dates of any times he hasn’t picked up or dropped off and any communication about it from him - it’ll be useful in court.

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 07:49

StormingNorman · 23/04/2024 07:42

OP would obviously need to go at the last minute. But pick them up and take them home.

By forewarning school they will be aware she isn’t abandoning them.

Show quote history

Previously, you suggested she should refuse to collect and not do it. As you've now identified, that's easier said than done

ShotgunSally · 23/04/2024 07:49

Keep detailed diary for when he doesn't collect them.
My ex was a similar, abusive, unreliable dick. I paid for a cm for when he was meant to have dc, I did this for several years. I should not have had to but it really was worth it for me.

Elebag · 23/04/2024 07:51

How old are the children?
The secondary aged kids can vote with their feet and refuse to do 50/50.
Somehow you need to make sure you have the evidence to make sure he doesn't get the younger child 50/50 too. He's clearly only doing it to spite you.