My ex husband will not collect the kids from school on his days - what can I actually do?!

[Pleasegotobed]

It was an abusive relationship with coercive control. I’ve been doing all the school runs and dropping the kids to him on his days for a while because he threatened to withdraw my youngest from school without my consent / not collect him and at the time I could so it was just easier. But I’m starting a job soon (have been studying) so it just won’t be possible.

We don’t have 50/50 atm - they’re with me more. I’ve offered to change days if that helps but he won’t agree. He won’t agree that they stay with me more, he wants them dropped to him. Gave him over a months notice and he still just left them at school last week and then issued a sio citing that I am abusing the kids by not collecting them for him. Bizarrely he is also taking me to court for 50/50 at the same time…

Im planning to collect them and bring them to me so he has to pick them up but then he’ll just use me as free after school childcare won’t he?! But i can’t just leave them at school… I really don’t know what to do!

Don't do the collection unless the school ring you, when they ring ask them to also text/email stating fsther has refused so you have a record.

Pick the kids up. Take them out. Make him wait around for you, for a time and place that is convenient for you. Don't just take them to him when it's convenient for him.

"Taking them out for dinner since you failed to collect again. Will let you know when we're done where to collect." 2hrs later "were done, at pizza hut postcode fj45 dhd" he says I'm not coming there "no probs. 20 minutes from home. Pick them up from there." Ignore further messages complaining or telling you to drop them. He knows they're home and he's welcome to collect them.

You make him dance to your tune and he'll start picking them up from school rather than let you have the power of dictating where and when they're collected.

Check the court order. If it says “from school” then he’s broken it. Take the kids home, lock the door, don’t allow him access (or more accurately, don’t allow him control). He’s the one that breached, not you.

Go back to court and show his breaches. Tell them he won’t pick them up from school.

Apply for an increase in CM.

I would ask the school to put it in writing that he doesn't pick up on his days, even when he is contacted. That would help when you go to court.

Take it back to court and apply to vary the order on the grounds on his non compliance.

Keep a log of dates and times. School should be willing to provide a factual statement as evidence of who does pick ups.

This is a continuation of abuse . Do not get emotional. Do not get drawn in to arguments. Grey rock only. Use the system.

Tell the school which days he's responsible and insist they call him on those days. I've worked at a school where this was happening. It's miserable for everyone, but the father did have to step up.

They do

Yeah that's why I think as soon as the school have said dad's not here mum should pick them up. Possibly even thinking it might be worth mum waiting outside the school ready. It's really unfair on them but I think if the agreement is that dad gets them on those days then OP needs to give him a chance. He's letting them down so badly though.

Tough. The kids need picking up by someone

What kind of company does you ex work at OP?

Do you think if you phoned up their HR department sounding panic-stricken and said "I need to find out if ex is Ok; I'm worried something serious has happened to him. He's supposed to pick up his kids from school and he's not arrived and isn't answering the phone- do you know where he is? Do you think he could have had a car accident on the way to pick them up? Can you find out and come back to me ASAP?"

Let him explain to his company that he forgot or lie and say that it's not his day to pick them up or whatever and then when they call you back send them the court order proving that it is his day, that he is supposed to pick them up from school and presumably he's arranged his work schedule to allow for that.

Embarrass him to the people he wants to impress. Tell HR they can speak to the Head if they like, but your ex has out in a legal document that he'll be picking up his kids from school on certain days, so he needs to be leaving work in time to allow him to do that.

If it gets brought up in court you can just explained that you feared he was dead in a ditch, because why else would he not have collected his kids or answered the phone to his kids school?

Yes pick up the kids (or arrange childcare; you shouldn't have to but he's a dick) but equally, phone his work every week he doesn't collect, just to get someone to "check he's alive".

What would the school do if the father refused and the mum wanted to stand her ground? What happens?

I would put them into after school club but not tell their dad so they are cared for and happy but ask the school to make a note of every time dad is past school end time to collect them

@Pleasegotobed

I think I would start going away on his days, if you can. Just go somewhere a couple hours away (with proof that you are there) so when the calls start you can say, “We have a court order. It is his day to do collection. I’m 2 hours away. If he won’t collect then please call the police or social services to have them whilst I travel home.”

Then, you travel back. No one will investigate your parenting. You’ll be fine. They will look at his, and having the police or social services contacting him might spark something to change. It’s also more evidence when you go back to court, that he failed so badly that social services were called because he abandoned the kids on his days.

I know it’s game playing, I know it won’t be fun for the kids but it’s his doing, not yours.

This.
Hes trying to control you. Hold firm.

If you aren't already then I would definitely recommend some counselling (having been through years of trying to navigate life with an ex like this)

"I know it’s game playing, I know it won’t be fun for the kids but it’s his doing, not yours."

The kids know full well that their mum knows their dad won't be there for them. And then to hear their teacher say she's gone away and said we've to call the police. Fuck me. All to get a record of him not collecting them? The school will write a quick statement, there's no need for all of this.

Obviously you tell the kids. Especially the high school kids. “It’s dad’s day. I’m going to be two hours away, I have told him this and reminded him that it is his day. I will also let the school know.”

They are old enough to understand.

Get School to call police. You call police too.

Just collect the kids yourself on those days and take them home. If he wants them he comes to get them. If he doesn't, just keep them yourself and have a nice bonus evening with them

And how is she going to do that when she is working? She will lose her job, and she shouldn’t. There is a court order saying he collects from school.

He’s stupid as well as controlling. A decent father would want to maximize the time he spent with his children. This idiot is actively trying to shirk even the minimum level of responsibility. In good news, this is marvelous for your court appearance. He will have well and truly proven that he can’t manage 50/50 🤣

"Obviously you tell the kids. Especially the high school kids. “It’s dad’s day. I’m going to be two hours away, I have told him this and reminded him that it is his day. I will also let the school know.”

They are old enough to understand."

And the younger one? Sorry but no. There's no need and this game playing is what screws kids up forever.

If neither of you pick up the kids, you both look irresponsible in court. If it was me I’d continue to insist he picks them up. When he refuses/fails to, I’d ask the head to email me, and I’d pick them up myself and document it every time. If you go to court with the evidence of every time, this will be bad for whatever crap he wants to visit on you and the kids.

When he doesn't arrive to pick them up from school and the school have to call you to collect them, you take them home. You don't then bring them to his.

Make sure communication with both him and the school is factual and clear. Eg "It is your responsibility to pick the kids up from school on X (any of the days he is meant to have them), or to make alternative childcare arrangements. If you are unable or unwilling to do this, the school will contact me after 30 minutes, I will take them home with me, and you will miss contact for that day".

He can work out for himself what that is likely to mean for custody and payments etc, or if he doesn't figure it out then that's his problem.

You carefully document exactly what happens and this is your evidence about his involvement in parenting if/when it comes to court. If he sadly is not able to be a responsible/safe parent then you don't need to and shouldn't pick up the slack for him. You've left the relationship now so don't allow him to continue to abuse you and your children.

Good luck xxx

Edit: Regarding your work hours, I think you have no choice but to arrange back up childcare yourself but don't inform him of this and make sure you communicate / make a plan with the school so that if he were to arrive to collect the children, he could (at least for a period of a couple of weeks to demonstrate he isn't doing so).

It will still be possible to demonstrate he isn't meeting his obligations as a parent without messing your children around (which is important).

Please don't leave your children at school when you are available to pick them up. If you are at work then that would be different but if you are available for them then go and get them. I agree that he is using them to control you but that isn't their fault and it is more unsettling and upsetting form children to be left at school wondering what the hell os.going on.

If the order states that he has to pick them up for school then have the children wait at school, allow the school to call dad and then go and get them yourself. Take them either to your home or elsewhere. Send him a message or email that simply states, "As you did not turn up for your contact today at the school at 3.30 the children are no longer available. They will be available (next day of contact) at the school at 3.30pm". Ignore any further messages. When it comes to.court you will have evidence from your texts and from the school that he has consistently not shown up for contact.

Keep a record of everything said - far better to just text or email so you have a record of what is going on. Give him a date and say on that date, you will stop ferrying the children around. He will need to pick up and collect. Warn the school he is threatening to remove the children so they tell you. File for your own Child Arrangements Order ASAP.

My ex was similar and wouldn't pay a penny of maintenance (self employed). In the end, I just paid for full time wraparound care so that there was never any issue for me from a work point of view. It's abusive on their part, they don't like it when you manage without them so let that spur you on to managing.

My ex used that childcare that I paid for for years and years....but let me tell you that as the mum of 3 teens, they knew then and they know now and all his actions are very much working against him now. And that's including the teen who went to live with him for a couple of years. You just have to keep the faith it will come good.

Ok, she needs to arrange child care, if she can't collect herself- she just needs to do what any other single parent does who takes responsibility for children. The father is clearly totally unreliable, so just assume he isn't going to do anything, and if he does want them, he comes and gets them.

The mum, in the mean time, just carries on with the assumption that he isn't going to collect them, so she does the responsible thing and makes sure they are collected and cared for, either by herself, or by childcare she has arranged.

Really, like all single mums, she needs a job that allows this. It isn't realistic to take a job which entirely relies on an unreliable person being reliable