My ex husband will not collect the kids from school on his days - what can I actually do?!

[Pleasegotobed]

It was an abusive relationship with coercive control. I’ve been doing all the school runs and dropping the kids to him on his days for a while because he threatened to withdraw my youngest from school without my consent / not collect him and at the time I could so it was just easier. But I’m starting a job soon (have been studying) so it just won’t be possible.

We don’t have 50/50 atm - they’re with me more. I’ve offered to change days if that helps but he won’t agree. He won’t agree that they stay with me more, he wants them dropped to him. Gave him over a months notice and he still just left them at school last week and then issued a sio citing that I am abusing the kids by not collecting them for him. Bizarrely he is also taking me to court for 50/50 at the same time…

Im planning to collect them and bring them to me so he has to pick them up but then he’ll just use me as free after school childcare won’t he?! But i can’t just leave them at school… I really don’t know what to do!

You can't regularly leave the kids standing at school waiting to be picked up - that's awful for them, for you, and for the school - far too stressful.

I would either go up to school on his days and lurk in the office for 10 mins and then if he hasn't arrived for the kids take them home; or ask a friend to lurk by the classroom and bring them to you if he doesn't show. Text or email him each and every time it happens so that you have a good record for court and ask school to keep a record of every time that they have had to call you. If he has a solicitor cc them in :-)

I would also refuse to hand them over to him on any day that you have had to pick them up.

That's so shit for you for work though :-(

After school care not that easy - we are quite rural. My elder ones are in secondary and no after school clubs or buses to where we live. Younger one has free asc but only til 4.30 and typically not on the one night a week he has them..

OP it isn't clear from your posts whether your ex is allowed to come anywhere near your house.

I know a few parents including my DP where this isn't allowed. This is due to the parent causing problems with third parties living in the properties or neighbours, or simply because one party doesn't want the other to due to them making numerous allegations against them.

Also it is also not clear whether your elder ones in secondary school are able to get to his house either by travelling on their own or with help from friends. If they aren't then it is fair that if they call you, you bring them home and they decide not to leave.

A lot of the responses ignore the fact that the OP will be at work and may not be in a position to leave early at very short notice when the school rings her to say that he has not turned up to collect the children.
I think OP is going to have to look at all possible alternative back up collection/after school care, even though it is very unfair and will cost money.
Then ask the school to keep/provide proof that he has not turned up, has been contacted and still declined to collect.
School will need to be fully on board and be up to speed on what the plan B is, without sharing that plan B with ex.
It is a big ask of the school, but OTOH it is a safeguarding issue and hopefully will be of short duration, just until OP goes back to court, so worth it in the long run.

Could you start communicating through one of those apps that are designed for co-parents? So every time you have to get the kids because he refuses, you can message him to say you've had to do it on there, and it will be logged?

Would the school agree to corroborate days exh has refused to pick up?

Sympathies OP, he sounds awful.

Unfortunately all too familiar. My ex and I both work in the same profession. Get this, he point blank refuses to pick up our three primary aged children on his afternoon a week as he can’t possibly leave work early. So I leave work early each afternoon when after schools finish and he then picks them from home when ‘he can’. The irony. I am always rushing to get to school and he just says I can’t and refuses to accept that I also can’t but do because they are my children. Of course, he is an excellent father though…

From kids point of view, it’s really shitty when dad is late, doesn’t collect when should etc etc.

This is esp important when it comes to custody.

God I hope their shit comes back to bite these men in the ass one day. The anger would just eat me up inside. I hope things are otherwise good for you.

I would pick them up and then go about my day as usual. I wouldn’t wait around for him at home and if he wants to see them then he has to come and find you all.

I would each and every time just send a matter of fact message after his contact days saying something like “As you didn’t collect the kids from school by [10 minutes after school finishes] I have collected them and taken them home.” Then, in advance of any future hearing, print off each and every one of them and send them to him/ his solicitor.

Stop taking them to him. You are literally allowing him to establish a case against you in the custody hearing and prove to himself that he’s a great dad and still has control over you.

I was really answering with the primary school child in mind. I am assuming unless there are SEND issues the secondary aged children can make their own way home to Ops home and sort themselves out. They can also choose whether or not they have contact with him. So this is mostly concerning the he younger primary aged child.

Leave them at school, repeatedly tell school it’s their dads day in advance and at the time.
let it go to court and then get the access reduced.

I really wouldn't advise this. My ex was very difficult about picking the kids up on his days. He would call the school. The first I knew about it was a late afternoon msg from the school saying social services were on their way as the children had been abandoned. He wouldn't tell me he wasn't collecting them, the school wouldn't tell me. Apparently, I had to call him every day and ask him...

This was with a court order.

Basically, be careful. It only takes one vindictive head teacher to screw up a happy home.

Def agree with reduced access tho. I'd have gone for zero. Would have made life much better all round.

@Pleasegotobed do not take a photo of the child agreement and send it to him highlighting the arrangements for collection/drop off.

I'm a firm believer in the saying "give them enough rope to hang themself" in situations like this. Do not give him any kind of chance to start doing what the agreement says. Let him carry on as he is. The court will see right through him.

Dicks like this, think they are untouchable and the big I am. That they can do what they want with no consequences. The court will tell him differently.

If you are struggling for after school care the one day he has them, could you work through your lunch in order to pick your child up? If you are WFH could you make up any time once the younger kids have settled in bed?

Like others have said, if he doesn't collect from school and you end up doing it, bring the child home with you. Send 1 text that plainly states "you didn't pick X up from school. They are with me now." Don't get into a text conversation/argument and don't answer the phone. Back up /print out your messages to him plus any responses.

Make sure everywhere is locked when you're in the house and get cameras front and back. They're cheap enough on Amazon and can be installed easily enough. Ring doorbells are okay but if you're anything like me, mine needed charging up and it's been sat on the hallway shelf for over a month now 🙈!

I can only imagine the sheer joy parents in these kind of situations must feel when their youngest kid turns 18. The absolute bliss of knowing you no longer have any reason to ever have to deal with these absolute fuckers of emotionally abusive, deadbeat dads. Sorry that's not helpful in the short or medium term.

OP there has to be a way around this that doesn't involve being this arsewipe's skivvy. I think I'd go with the option of being on standby on a friday afternoon but then sending a factual message stating that since he didn't collect them they are with you and then I'd make it impossible for him to contact you all weekend. After a few weeks of this I would inform him that you are having to make alternative formal arrangements for childcare since he isn't being reliable at picking them up. I would save these exchanges for if it goes to court. There shouldn't be a court in the land that sides with him when there's clear evidence that he can't be arsed to fulfil a basic parental responsibility. If they do play silly beggars with you then that's when I'd start point blank refusing to collect them when he has flaked out even if social services are involved. Surely their only reasonable action plan can be that dad isn't fit to care for them in this case. Without drawing them into it too much I'd be very honest with the kids as well about what's going on. They're secondary aged. They will have some idea what's going on and they need to know the justification for your actions. Good luck. It's rubbish but don't let yourself be walked over

1 check the order to ensure it DOES say he shoul dcollect from school.

2 contact a domestic abuse charity/women's aid for advice.

3 I assume you already have a solicitor for his attempt to get 50/50. You need to get advice here because if he officially gets it, but STILL refuses to collect kids/sort childcare, you're royally screwed so you need to pre-empt that with evidence that is not reliable.

4 Check with the charity/solicitor but I'd be putting in writing that as he is refusing to collect the children you consider him in breach of the order. Then whatever it is you would prefer - eg that he must fetch them by x time or that you will not be handing them over or whatever.

Thanks for all the messages and support, its been really helpful to think through the options.

I've checked the court order and it says from school: "on Tuesday night in the week from 5pm - 9am during school holidays, the respondent husband to collect the children from school and take the children to school during term time".
He says that's superceded by an email exchange more recently where he was threatening to remove my youngest from school and I said I would collect for him... I think that was primarily coercive to be honest but it was a crisis situation so it was really hard to hold my ground. He has emailed me about a billion times telling me I am in breach of the court order for refusing to facilitate contact and abusing the kids etc etc..

He says he has "work commitments" that mean he can't collect them, hilariously he quit his (very high paying) job for one which paid less than half as much 12 days before our divorce final hearing citing that he needed to be present for his children. Then promptly refused to collect them! You can look at some of my previous threads if you want an insight into what kind of man I'm dealing with.

I'm never going to leave the kids at school (they all need collecting, no bus etc for older ones) thinking they've been abandoned. So far I've done the plan some of you have suggested and sat round the corner on his days, prewarned the head I was doing so and as soon as she calls me I go and collect so the youngest is only waiting 5 mins tops really but it means the head calls him first and I have a paper trail. She is supportive of what's going on and says he is "very challenging", she has already offered to write to the court. I deliberately started now before my job starts because I knew he would be a total PITA so I have a little while to get it sorted before its actually crunch time.

The court will expect him to have childcare. I really think just pick up and take to yours and not let him pick them up. He missed contact. Court agreement says from school. You can't leave the kids at school gates, but you can not play to his tune. His superceeding is bullshit. Plus you collecting isn't you collecting and dropping off for him when he wants!

Hopefully you'll get a quick court date.

Can you get your solicitor to write to him, e.g. from X date it will be his responsibility to arrange school collection and after school childcare on his contact days, if he isn't able to do this himself. After this date, if Pleasegotobed is contacted to collect the children, it will be assumed that contact with (him) is cancelled on this occasion, and consequent dates, only to resume once adequate school collection/ afterschool care arrangements are in place and confirmed.

He has emailed me about a billion times telling me I am in breach of the court order for refusing to facilitate contact and abusing the kids etc etc.

If the court order says he is to pick the children up from school and he isn't doing then he needs reminding that he is subject to the terms of the same court order you are. Honestly, OP, you're going to have to fight fire with logic. No other way. Turn it around on him.

Ask your solicitor whether the email exchange has any bearing on the court order.

Correction;He needs to find a childminder to pick after school for him on his days

That is an awful position to be in.

I would withhold contact on the days when he fails to collect them saying he has not obeyed the terms of his contact so he has lost it for that day.

Keep full records of when this happens and use that to argue for less days for him in court.

Of course, always put the children first if they are desperate to see him but, if not, if he can’t pick them up, he loses that day, until he learns that you mean it.

No judge is going to be impressed by your exe's crap.

Print all the emails. As pp said, give him enough rope.

That offer of collecting your youngest was it for a one off "crises", you also only offered to collect your youngest?

I think you can send one email reiterating the court order and stating that on the days he fails to collect the DC from you that you will not be making them available from your home.

Does he collect from your come at any other time as part of the court order?

I would be looking to change that tbh you meet in a public place and you wait only 15 minutes beyond the CAO time.

I am so sorry you still have to deal with him, he's horrid. Your poor DC

Glad head is supportive and can do a paper trail for you