Page 5 | My ex husband will not collect the kids from school on his days - what can I actually do?!

Pleasegotobed · 2024-04-22T20:41:29+00:00

It was an abusive relationship with coercive control. I’ve been doing all the school runs and dropping the kids to him on his days for a while because he threatened to withdraw my youngest from school without my consent / not collect him and at the time I could so it was just easier. But I’m starting a job soon (have been studying) so it just won’t be possible. We don’t have 50/50 atm - they’re with me more. I’ve offered to change days if that helps but he won’t agree. He won’t agree that they stay with me more, he wants them dropped to him. Gave him over a months notice and he still just left them at school last week and then issued a sio citing that I am abusing the kids by not collecting them for him. Bizarrely he is also taking me to court for 50/50 at the same time… Im planning to collect them and bring them to me so he has to pick them up but then he’ll just use me as free after school childcare won’t he?! But i can’t just leave them at school… I really don’t know what to do!

ageratum1 · 23/04/2024 11:00

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 10:06

What would the school do if the father refused and the mum wanted to stand her ground? What happens?

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I believe it would be child abandonment and both parents would be held responsible.
It is not the role of a school to get involved in petty infighting between parents

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 11:01

noshadowatnoon · 23/04/2024 10:56

Ok, she needs to arrange child care, if she can't collect herself- she just needs to do what any other single parent does who takes responsibility for children. The father is clearly totally unreliable, so just assume he isn't going to do anything, and if he does want them, he comes and gets them.

The mum, in the mean time, just carries on with the assumption that he isn't going to collect them, so she does the responsible thing and makes sure they are collected and cared for, either by herself, or by childcare she has arranged.

Really, like all single mums, she needs a job that allows this. It isn't realistic to take a job which entirely relies on an unreliable person being reliable

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But he is taking her to court for 50/50..:. And she’ll still have to pay for cover? So no, I wouldn’t be sorting it for him. I’d leave it, even it if meant my kids sitting for half and hour/an hour and the police being called. I’d want evidence stacked against him. After a couple of weeks, I’d then stop all after school access because I’d have enough evidence, and I’d have given myself a couple weeks to sort out childcare. And then wait for court to finally put a stop to his 50:50 nonsense.

Pickingmyselfup · 23/04/2024 11:04

What is your plan for the days when you have the kids and you are at work? Can you arrange to do the same when it's his days and if he doesn't turn up to collect them then tough for him.

Make sure you have evidence of him not turning up because he clearly isn't capable of doing 50/50. I don't think it's in the kids best interest for that to happen especially if he can't even pick them up from school on his days now.

noshadowatnoon · 23/04/2024 11:04

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 11:01

But he is taking her to court for 50/50..:. And she’ll still have to pay for cover? So no, I wouldn’t be sorting it for him. I’d leave it, even it if meant my kids sitting for half and hour/an hour and the police being called. I’d want evidence stacked against him. After a couple of weeks, I’d then stop all after school access because I’d have enough evidence, and I’d have given myself a couple weeks to sort out childcare. And then wait for court to finally put a stop to his 50:50 nonsense.

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Would you really want your children carrying the memories of these occasions sitting waiting at school until police or social services are called?

mitogoshi · 23/04/2024 11:05

Back to court, state he's not collecting them as per court order and save all messages /record calls to this effect. In the mean time book wrap around care. All days which are supposedly his time are payable by him so save the receipts etc.

Before you get to this point though is it worth suggesting he pays for wrap around on the days he's due to have them, he just might surprise you if you present it as the easy option

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 23/04/2024 11:05

This thread has made me quite angry. Useless pieces of shit men who don't deserve the privilege of being someone's dad.

I'm so sorry so many of you are having to put up with this. It's not fair.

Wellhellooooodear · 23/04/2024 11:06

Answersunknown · 22/04/2024 21:45

Leave them at school, repeatedly tell school it’s their dads day in advance and at the time.
let it go to court and then get the access reduced.

You sould like a great parent.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2024 11:11

DuchesseNemours · 23/04/2024 08:13

FWIW I think your plan to collect them when the school rings and bring them home with you is the right one, OP.

If he wants to see them he can collect them from you. I'd also keep a record of when it happens - maybe a standard email you send him that says he didn't collect them so the school called you and you have collected them, they are at yours if he wants to collect them for his time with them.

Each time I'd give him the 'chance' and then respond when the school rang me.

It does mean you are picking up his slack - which is unfair and infuriating - but also means he's not quite having it all his own way (they are not being delivered to him like an Amazon parcel) and the children don't ever feel forgotten.

But it is rubbish when one parent (usually the mum) is the one always bending over backwards for the children's welfare while the other just fannies about playing games.

I agree with this

I have friends who work in school and yes they will contact both parents and yes they will have to contact ss if uou don't collect

no you don't went to go down the ss route as will look bad on you as mum

Can you book into asc and look into uc as they pay 85% of childcare fees

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 11:11

noshadowatnoon · 23/04/2024 11:04

Would you really want your children carrying the memories of these occasions sitting waiting at school until police or social services are called?

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Kids in high school? Yeah. They won’t be scarred by that.

dontbelievewhatyousee · 23/04/2024 11:12

If he doesn’t pick them up, you’ll need to pick them up but don’t take them to his. I appreciate this makes working very difficult though

patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 11:12

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 11:11

Kids in high school? Yeah. They won’t be scarred by that.

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They will

Ihadenough22 · 23/04/2024 11:14

I ring his mother and tell her how he is refusing to pick up his children after school. I would also tell her about his behaviour. I ring his work place and tell them your ringing there because once again he won't pick up his children after school and he is always doing this.
Get your teenaged children to do this as well. I would ring all his friends as well and tell, them this. Every day he does this his mother, work and friends are rung. If he wants to be an ass you can let everyone know this.

You need to arrange childcare for after school pick up and to look after the kids until your back from work. Tell him your doing this and it going to cost him more but it because your can't depend on him. Tell him as well that your going back to court and letting them know how he can't keep up his 50/50.

Don't leave your children in the school waiting for him because it's not fair on them.

TakeOnFlea · 23/04/2024 11:21

"Kids in high school? Yeah. They won’t be scarred by that."

Oh yeah, cause nobody was ever scarred by the shit their parents did when they were a teenager 😏

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 11:23

TakeOnFlea · 23/04/2024 11:21

"Kids in high school? Yeah. They won’t be scarred by that."

Oh yeah, cause nobody was ever scarred by the shit their parents did when they were a teenager 😏

Not when they’re old enough to know what’s going on, mum has told them, sent them with snacks and their phones so they can chat to you when you’re driving back for them. They’ll be fine. Most kids in high school don’t get picked up; they walk home alone, go to an empty house, go to the shops with friends on the way home. They’ll be fine wait for dad or mum to get back knowing what’s going on and why.

Mama2many73 · 23/04/2024 11:27

saraclara · 22/04/2024 22:53

Let him know you won’t be doing his pick ups anymore and then let the school know to call him if he’s late. It may be confusing for the kids, but you need to get this piece of shit to respect your boundaries.

@StormingNorman , It won't just be confusing for the kids.
If a child isn't picked up from school within a certain period of time, we have to call social services. They pick the kids up and take them to a day centre.

I wouldn't put my kids through that to prove a point.

Neither would I but he bloody knows this and is EXACTLY why he is doing it. He is controlling OP via her kids.

OP. I get there's not much uou feel you can do because you don't want to hurt your kids. Get everyone in the childcare to detail / record conversations contacts with Dad, his responses etc.
If I had to pick them up I'd make sure I wasn't at home for him to collect at his bidding. I'd 'have to go shopping/ appointment' so he was left waiting.

I'm not sure if there's anyone from court / SS where uou could mentoon that he's disregarding the kids, that you are stepping up and collecting them so they're not at risk but you want to highlight that Dad is refusing to do his care role.

TakeOnFlea · 23/04/2024 11:30

If you say so @WarshipRocinante

Amazing that you 100% know that these are resilient kids. Not ones still being affected by their abusive father and the resulting family breakdown. Not the anxious, struggling teens we hear about more and more these days.

And your suggestion for the little one? Leave her sitting there worried too? Have the police collect her?

Sometimes you end up pro creating with pieces of shit. It happens. As a parent you have to swallow that and step up where they won't. Never do their running around for them, keep daily records of their behaviour, claim everything you are entitled to and pride yourself on never playing silly games that fuck your kids up.

sashh · 23/04/2024 11:30

Give the head teacher his work phone number so the head has options of the number to call. If possible give the head a manager's number.

Also ask her to keep a record of when she has attempted to call him.

Could the older children get a lift with a friend if they are being picked up? Obviously pay a petrol contribution.

I also agree with getting a child minder or a babysitter to collect the youngest.

Notcms · 23/04/2024 11:56

Ask school to phone him...if he doesn't collect phone you.
Take them home.
Then keep the dates he failed to collect and report to the court.
No way will 50/50 happen if he can't collect on his 1 evening 🙄

CrispieCake · 23/04/2024 12:09

Notcms · 23/04/2024 11:56

Ask school to phone him...if he doesn't collect phone you.
Take them home.
Then keep the dates he failed to collect and report to the court.
No way will 50/50 happen if he can't collect on his 1 evening 🙄

I think this is what you should do in the short-term. Hopefully a court would reduce contact fairly quickly if he isn't collecting from school on 'his' days.

The entitlement is staggering.

I see it at my DC's school. Mothers slink in a couple of minutes' late, red-faced, and give a grovelling apology to the teacher. But guess who the 'late-late' offenders usually are whose children end up in the school office? Too busy/important to making getting to the school on time a priority and they think the school staff (mostly women) are there to accommodate their lives.

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 12:17

JungleJimmy · 23/04/2024 10:06

What kind of company does you ex work at OP?

Do you think if you phoned up their HR department sounding panic-stricken and said "I need to find out if ex is Ok; I'm worried something serious has happened to him. He's supposed to pick up his kids from school and he's not arrived and isn't answering the phone- do you know where he is? Do you think he could have had a car accident on the way to pick them up? Can you find out and come back to me ASAP?"

Let him explain to his company that he forgot or lie and say that it's not his day to pick them up or whatever and then when they call you back send them the court order proving that it is his day, that he is supposed to pick them up from school and presumably he's arranged his work schedule to allow for that.

Embarrass him to the people he wants to impress. Tell HR they can speak to the Head if they like, but your ex has out in a legal document that he'll be picking up his kids from school on certain days, so he needs to be leaving work in time to allow him to do that.

If it gets brought up in court you can just explained that you feared he was dead in a ditch, because why else would he not have collected his kids or answered the phone to his kids school?

Yes pick up the kids (or arrange childcare; you shouldn't have to but he's a dick) but equally, phone his work every week he doesn't collect, just to get someone to "check he's alive".

@JungleJimmy HR won't get involved in this

Strictlymad · 23/04/2024 12:21

So he wants 50/50 but won’t do school runs…… that will look great in court. Absolutely don’t pick them up on his days- and get the head to record that he doesn’t come and isn’t contactable. This will be good for you in court.

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 12:21

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 10:06

What would the school do if the father refused and the mum wanted to stand her ground? What happens?

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@WarshipRocinante school would phone the pupil's back up emergency contacts eg grandparents

And if they also refused to collect child, then I guess school would phone social work emergency line

And a duty social worker would collect the child and take them home

And if both parents still refused to have the child over the threshhold, I guess emergency foster placement for a night or two? All hugely traumatic and upsetting for the child

This is why, however unfair it may be, many of us are saying that, ultimately, OP is in a very difficult position. Is it fair? No, not at all

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 23/04/2024 12:30

saraclara · 23/04/2024 09:14

It's very clear that most people here have no idea how shitty it is for kids to be sitting alone in reception for half an hour at the end of school. I've sat with such children and they're invariably stressed and anxious and feel very awkward.

I appreciate that it seems the only way to gather evidence, but it's a shitty thing to put the kids through, and unfair to school staff.

Absolutely. I was once ten minutes late to collect my 5 year old and he was really upset and sobbing in reception. Obviously an older child wouldn't be so visibly emotional about it, but I think they'd feel just as panicked and abandoned the first time. And then they'll slowly get used to the idea that no one is bothered to collect them, which is sadder still.

I have so much sympathy OP - he sounds absolutely awful and a terrible father. But the fact of the matter is that it's your circumstances that have changed and so you that is changing the existing arrangement, which was that you collected and dropped to him, and that he doesn't seem to have ever agreed to that change. I'm not sure, legally, that you're on any stronger grounds than he would be if he changed his work hours and so wanted to unilaterally change arrangements. I think this needs to go back to court, and until then you will - sadly and unfairly - have to make childcare arrangements, whether that's having them at yours (which seems to be possible?) or something paid.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 23/04/2024 12:32

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 11:23

Not when they’re old enough to know what’s going on, mum has told them, sent them with snacks and their phones so they can chat to you when you’re driving back for them. They’ll be fine. Most kids in high school don’t get picked up; they walk home alone, go to an empty house, go to the shops with friends on the way home. They’ll be fine wait for dad or mum to get back knowing what’s going on and why.

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You really think that providing a staged demonstration of the fact their father can't be bothered with them won't bother teenagers as long as they have snacks?

SpringleDingle · 23/04/2024 12:38

I'd inform school in the morning that today is Dad's day to collect and ask them to make every effort to get him to collect the kids first and only contact me if he doesn't. I'd then collect them from school and text him to say

"I know it is your contact day however school let me know you were unavailable to collect the kids so I have done so. They are safe and well with me now and will be available for you to collect from school for your contact time on X date (whatever is the next scheduled contact). If you won't be able to collect them for your contact on that day please let me know in advance and I'll collect them and they can stay with me until the next scheduled contact. Thanks."

Then I'd rinse and repeat:
No I am not available to drop them off at yours. Please collect them from school on X date for your next contact in accordance with the court order.

It's unfortunate that you couldn't collect them from school today. Please collect them from school on X date for your next contact in accordance with the court order.

They are settled and have had their tea now so it is too late to disturb them. Please collect them from school on X date for your next contact in accordance with the court order.

If he threatens to deregister them from school just let school know that you do not agree to that up front. You need this threat in writing and you can bring it up in court to ask the judge to make a ruling that he can't just unilaterally do that however by text:

Do not de-register the child from school. It is important that X receives his/her education and he/she is happy at school.

Don't argue or go back and forth, put the phone on silent if you need to. Just ignore abuse or stupid threats or demands. Basically just imagine him as a tantruming kid. Save all the texts for court. See if you can get school to do a report for court showing all the late collections on Dad's days and their attempts to contact him and their finally having to get you to collect. You want your kids to see their Dad but it is very disruptive for them to be collected by you, to go home to yours and then to go to Dad's for only he hour or so left of the evening. Make sure you put all your concerns from the child's perspective. It's not that you don't want to play bloody taxi all week. It is that the child get's confused and upset if a routine isn't stuck to. Their dinner is late, their homework doesn't get done, they don't get to bed on time etc.. if he doesn't stick to the routine of collecting them from school on his day(s).

Edited to add: If you want to reduce stress to the kid you could sit round the corner in your car until your Ex has failed to show and school contact you and then you could pick up immediately. It's annoying and upsetting to have to cause your kid any sort of distress but if you give the appearance of removing the dad's contact time by picking up on his days without giving him the chance to do so that won't go well for you in court.