Brother resentful of my lifestyle

[Whataworld1]

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55.

I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school.

Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his.

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at.

I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

It really sounds like neither of you are particularly fond of each other or each others families so why bother pretending? Just go your separate ways.

He sounds ridiculous and entitled. I’m wondering whether there was an element of him being “the golden child” when you were younger? He seems to think you should be busy playing super aunt. It is very odd I’m just wondering where he gets the attitude from.

Maybe I just think there’s a slight element of punching down with the OP’s problem.

She’s worked up by a brother whose life has worked out much worse for him than for her.

Err that's what social media is for. Posting stuff, like a scrap book so you can update lots of people at once. It's great, as long as the people you have on there have goodwill towards you

Your close age wise. You met your husband and had your children at a young age. You gone through the hard years of brining up children and helping them become successful adults.
From what you said he was living and working abroad for 20 year's. He was not around when your children were growing up.

My feeling is that he came back to the UK and met someone. He might have liked the idea of children but is now finding the reality of having kids is harder than he expected.
Along with this it appears that one of his children has special needs. His life has changed a lot in the past few years.
Meanwhile he sees that your going places and doing thing's and he is jealous of this fact. He probably thinks that you should be available and willing to mind his kids and give him a break.
He has forgotten that when he was having a great life that you were working or minding kids and at times probably hadn't much money.

It's not your fault that his life has turned out like this and unfair of him to be like this with you.
I tell him that your not listening to this if he gets verbally abusive with you again and either walk away or hang up the phone. I block him on FB as well so he is not aware of things in your life either.

You been nice to him and his kids. The fact that his kids just threw presents back at you I would not be buying stuff for them again.

If his behaviour towards you continues to be like this I would go low contact or no contact with him.

This!

I suspect if not childcare, then a mental break. It’s inexcusable though and she is not obliged to provide either. He can’t expect OP to prioritise seeing his children over her own. He also shouldn’t be surprised/jealous that she’d holiday with her children and perhaps not his.

I read recently that people are jealous of what you HAVE, not what you had to DO to get there. Very true in this case, i think

I'd be hiding my social media posts from him for a start, I can and do do that if anyone pulls that crap on me.
Just inwardly roll your eyes and ignore him, it's his problem not yours.

Just say to him, it’s my life I can do what I want.

It’s not a big deal is it?

Honestly, I'd just unfriend him and if he says anything, say, "You seem very needled about what I choose to put on social media so I'm helping you out by ensuring you can no longer look."

Just ignore it.

Why are you putting up with this behaviour ? It is rude and unjustifiable. The fact that he finds a mother prioritising her own children over and nieces and nephews really is baffling . Personally, I would have a conversation with him , but only if you think it would help the situation, then go low contact if things don’t improve. You don’t owe anyone a place in your life , not even a family member . If he continues to choose to act like this , he is choosing the consequences. Good luck

Bizarre. I can’t ever remember expecting adult relatives to visit my children. Ever. Why would anyone expect this? You meet up at extended family events, maybe all have lunch/tea together a couple of times a year.

Say what now? Incandescent with rage that you are going on holiday?? Wtf. If my brother acted like this I would tell him to Eff Off and never speak to him again until he apologised. Stop interacting with him! Block!

They probably do that to get a reaction. Watch them watch your face. Don't react and they stop the behaviour. I'm a mum of 2 with autism. I'm a single mum so all my family have been involved in bringing them up holidays days out etc.

could you possibly arrange a whole family day together one weekend that include yourself and your brother and all the cousins?

This is just laughable. Yeah OP make even more work for yourself on top of the 7 days a week you work. After all, we couldn't possibly expect a man...the one who actually is the issue/who has a problem, to take the time, make an effort and plan something.

When I read your OP, I thought your brother was being ridiculous and you were NBU.

Your follow-up post made me rethink slightly. It sounds as if he’s struggling with having two young children with possible additional needs, and is desperate for some family support, even if he’s going about asking for it in completely the wrong way.

If you value having a relationship with your brother and his family, it would probably be worth having a talk with him on his own to find out what’s really going on and how you can help, if need be.

To be somewhat understanding to your brother I wonder if the rage at you is less so about you holidaying and your disposable income and more so about your children being neurotypical and his likely having a combinations of issues that means he will never get your life (or his old one back) as he’ll be caring for them for longer. You said one needs an assessment and another is so shy they don’t talk - likely also having a disability if they’re non verbal and/or highly anxious

it’s not right that he is angry and raging but I can understand the potential misplaced anger.

Though I’d personally want to know if it is misplaced anger or just pure jealousy.

I agree with you backing off, keeping things quiet about your events and would be a good plan going forward.

he’s an arse for being angry you visiting your children and vice Versa. They’re your children. His are not your responsibility but I know first hand how isolating a disabled child can be.

Sibling relationships can be so complicated and jealousy is a recurring theme....it is so easy to fall into comparison mode and get jealous in ways you wouldn't do with friends. This is of course not maure or emotionally healthy behaviour, but just to begin by acknowledging it is fairly common. Sounds like your brother is taking it a step too far though, and it is not on for him to make you feel bad for living your life and being happy!
sounds like you need to a) see him a bit less b) next time he sneers, comments or bring something up, confront him with it along the lines of 'it sounds to me as if you are jealous. I am sorry if you are unhappy with aspects of your own life now, and I wish you could have what you dream of, but I find it unpleasant when you comment (whatever it is) and I would like to ask you to stop because it makes me upset'. He may not even be aware the effect his behaviour is having on you.

Sorry, I had an urgent assignment this am, but have just caught up with thread. Thanks to all who have posted advice, it is so appreciated!

Lots of valid thoughts and I will re-read them all. Some good suggestions too. He has recently been talking about having another baby, which seems crazy to me, but his wife is much younger than him, so it's entirely possible. I want to say that will stretch them time wise and money wise even more, but will keep those thoughts to myself! His wife is from a very large family, so I suspect that's why.

This is probably one of the most ridiculous comments I've ever seen on MN 😂

How often do you actually see your nieces/nephews? Your follow up posts suggest never and that you only send presents, is that right? Did your brother make an effort (beyond presents) with your kids when they were younger and even now that they're adults? It's hard to say who is being unreasonable without more information really

He was angry because you are planning on holidaying with your own daughter? Just mirror that back onto him, confirm that he is angry because of this and walk away

The brother travelled the world for 20 years when OP children were young and rarely saw them.
Now he has a young wife who wants an increasingly large family and he is in his 50s.
And his two children have caused a significant lifestyle change in his 40s to 50s, which marrying a young wife who wants children tends to do. He has also had income drops, according to OP. And we know 2 children is going to put pressure on disposable income at the best of times.
OP has done all that and now enjoying the fruits of 7 day working weeks with her adult children.
OP says she thinks he might be a bit jealous of her lifestyle.
That's candidate for understatement of the month😁