Brother resentful of my lifestyle

[Whataworld1]

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55.

I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school.

Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his.

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at.

I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

Block him, or at least limit him from seeing your posts. You’re not ‘making him jealous’ - he’s choosing to indulge his negative emotions and present them as your fault. They’re not. They’re entirely his problem to deal with.

Don’t feel you have to justify yourself to him either. Again, don’t accept his issues as yours to solve.

It’s fair enough you don’t particularly like being around his. Kids are people, and like with all people it’s inevitable that you’ll like some and not others.

He sounds awful. I had children relatively young and when I am 55 they will be aged between 30 and 22. If you have children young then your 20's are a hard slog but you get to enjoy yourself in your 50's like you are. His fun times were in his 20's and now he is in his hard slog years.

Really?! It is not the experience of many people I know. If anything the older child benefited from having a parent at home for longer while mum (and sometimes dad) were on maternity leave until they were 2.5 (assuming an 18 month gap).
I’m also not sure what difference 6 months makes.

I think he is wrong to be be putting bitter messages on your SM, but I also thing you sound pretty smug.
He's obviously struggling with his kids having SEN and feels massively isolated.

It's up to the individual whether or not they use SM

He is your brother and you are his children's aunt so make sure you do see their kids sometimes. Routinely see them one night per month for pizza or something. It must be hard for them to have such an old father and to have something wrong with themselves too. Maybe your own kids would join in for pizza with them too, occasionally.

Your brother is jealous and tired. It could be worse. He could relish not seeing you and wish you never visited.
If you don't know what to give him for Christmas, give him a night or two of babysitting or a weekend in an AirB&B, or both.

I don't believe in being mean to one's siblings. Forgive him - he is poor, frazzled and much worse off then you.

Honestly, he's 54 not 14. If he gets upset seeing you posting about holidays and days out on Social Media he's should be grown up enough to not look at it. It shouldn't stop you from posting if that's what you want to do. I would delete every sarcy comment he makes and if that doesn't deter him, just remove him from Social Media. I wouldn't bother restricting him as he'll likely still look to find some way of having a dig.

She may not do! But surely that’s her prerogative.

Did he, in his super duper travelling the world lifestyle, take the time to visit YOUR DCs when they were small? (I'm guessing not).

Does he think that, now he is home and is available to have a relationship (including possibly having 'lil sis doing what girls always do - helping out physically - and financially if you are earning enough for "fancy" holidays...), that he cannot understand why the "little woman" who didn't go out exploring the work has her own life, interests, and family to support and enjoy a relationship with?

I may well be stretching, but from why you say, he may have enjoyed his travels, is now feeling trapped at home, without much money, and with young DCs with difficulties at an age when most friends are likely to be child free either by choice or that the DCs have become late teens/adults.....but expects his baby sis to help take the strain off for him.

Dare say he finds time to do a bit of housework, or whatever in his own home but doesn't bother doing any in yours...

Irrelevant to your question...
But same could be applied to most scenarios.

What makes him that annoyed that he thinks it's unreasonable for you to visit your own DC before his?

Yes it's yet another stealth boast, the routes to the reveals are getting more long-winded and dramatic.

I have one of these. We are NC nowadays as I couldn’t be doing with the crazy. Our twenties were spent with very different lives. Them earning well, myself very low earning due to a health condition. They would love to make me feel really crap about it and enjoyed rubbing my nose into my apparent failure regularly.

Twenty years on everything has done a 180. I’m now lucky enough to have plenty of disposable income whereas they are low earning comparatively. That has gone down like a bucket of sick, alongside me prioritising my own children and not theirs.

Honestly just go as LC as you feel necessary and lock down your social media. it’s obvious he’s not happy which is why he is coming at you with bitterness. Hopeful in time he’s life will get better and your relationship will improve alongside it.

His

I agree

Whilst the issue is 100% your brother being a jealous tool, Facebook settings may help with one of the issues. You can set up groups for who can and can't see certain photos. For example you could select which friends you'd like to be able to see photos of you and your family and another who can see photos of you on holiday. Then when you post a holiday pic you just choose the audience to be your 'holiday' group and only people on that group will be able to see them. At least he won't be able to sneer on your own Facebook posts if he can't see them but you won't have blocked him.

Sounds like your brother is struggling. Does he think you're avoiding his DC because of their neurodiversity?

Obviously, when he says you're prioritising your DC over his, the only response is "Yes, they're my children" and when he complains about your holidays, you should reply "Now you know how I felt in the 00s when mine were little haha".

But it does all sound very weird which makes me wonder what we're missing. Are they drowning and feeling in desperate need of support from the wider family? Not that you need to give it of course, but sometimes when you're struggling it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

Sorry OP but I really don’t understand posts like yours. Tell him he’s a pain in the arse, you’ve done your parenting, this time is yours and if he can’t stop being petulant you won’t see him at all.
My older brother was an arsehole. Decided not to see him 40 years ago, and haven’t. Has made life much more pleasant.

@RolRollyPol The O.P. should not have to change. By suggesting she does is asking her to people please. It's her brothers problem, not hers!

Why should OP like her brother‘s kids fgs??? One doesn’t just like kids because they’ve got a condition or are shy. They may be a pain in the arse. Their dad certainly is!!

@Whataworld1 I am not sure why you are putting up with him. Block him. Don’t see him. Or the kids. You don’t owe them anything and anyone who thinks you should prioritise their kids to the same extent as your own is ludicrous!!

It's not nice that you avoid his kids because they are being assessed and not "nice to be around"

I would be very upset if my sister was doing that

Can you take them out for a treat without him ? Then you are being a decent aunt and avoiding him

How ever I would definitely block him from all social media obviously and not let him know about holidays

Personally I never post holidays as they do seem braggy and I hate seeing others as I'm very jealous as I can't afford any so I've long since stop posting about holidays

Something similar ruined my mum's relationship with a younger brother. His first marriage broke down and put him under financial pressure while his kids were still in school. Around the same time, my mum and dad started to live more comfortably in their mid fifties (after starting with nothing). He became resentful and now 15 years later they've drifted towards NC. Sad really, but jealousy is the worst emotion.

Well, yes.

They're your children. His children are his children.

What point does he think he is making here?

Perhaps he would like you to have more time for his children than you actually do, but if you don't, you don't. That's your choice.

How is your decision to prioritise your work and spending time with your own children over spending time with his children any different to his decision to prioritise his job which took him all over the world for 20 years over spending time with your children when they were small?

She works 7 days a week and understandably wants to spend time with her own children when she is free.

Why does she need to take her brother's children out for treats?

Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their nieces and nephews and that's OK.

Sounds like you have a difficult relationship, dial it back. You’re adults, he shouldn’t be incandescent with rage and it’s odd you describe his children as unpleasant. End of the day, the relationship won’t serve anyone if it’s not healthy.

OP doesn’t seem like she’s ‘bragging’ or ‘stealth boasting’, unless simply posting about your life is seen as that by someone that isn’t able to do the same things. Jealousy really isn’t a problem that the focus of said jealousy has a responsibility to solve. It’s the responsibility of the person feeling it to manage it, and not lash out at anyone else.