Brother resentful of my lifestyle

[Whataworld1]

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55.

I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school.

Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his.

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at.

I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

Sounds like a jealous weirdo.

Block him on social media.

This is not normal behaviour at all, but neither are "look at me" posts on SM about what you are doing.

Eh?
This is bizarre of him to think this.
What was your family like growing up?

Personally he's no "brother" to you
He is scapegoating you to defuse his anger about HIS LIFE .
Time to step away, his behaviour isnot acceptable
Mute FB
Don't take part in calls / texts if he's blaming, end the conversation
End any discussion that veers into criticising you

Sounds like he isn't happy and instead of looking within for the strength to deal with the hard knocks he's going through right now, he's looking outwardly with resentment at those who 'have it easier' ant in that misery is selfish way, he's conveniently forgetting all his good times and the times you'll have been beating your own struggles with no support from him.

You could try and talk to him but you don't sound like you were close and if he's incandescent over a holiday he doesn't sound reasonable.

So all you can do it calmly reject his criticisms, limit his access to information on your life and keep your distance.

His children are quite hard to socialise with anyway. They don’t speak. One is shy and one has a condition (being assessed), so it’s not pleasant anyway.

This is a bit dickish of you. They are children, and your nephews/nieces. You've basically written them off as 'defective', which is frankly a bit shit.

Re your brother, if you don't like how he responds to your socials, hide them from him - you do have the option of choosing who sees your posts. Sounds like his life is not great and he's quite bitter. You're not obliged to indulge that; but I do think the way you talk about his kids is pretty horrible.

And if you don't particularly like his kids, that's life.
You can still love them as your nephew/niece and as long as you don't make a child feel disliked, your private feelings are your private feelings.

Urrgh and this is worse. Really you don't sound very nice at all. Neither does he; but you clearly haven't got any affection for his kids. You'd probably be better off just distancing yourself from all of them to be fair.

He's an idiot! Have it out with him.

Your children are your priority. Was he super helpful with childcare and babysitting when your DC were young?

Do you visit with and treat your DC the same when they were similar ages?

I would restrict your posts. I would also be clear my DC are my priority and always will be.

She buys his children presents, despite the fact that they don't appreciate it, and she's the one who is not nice?

I wonder how many presents he bought for her children in the years when they were young and he was working all over the world?

It really doesn't matter if her brother is a shitbag (sounds like he is); that's not his kids' fault, and she's their aunt. Not saying she should see them loads (certainly not more than her own kids!); but talking about them like they're defective because they don't talk, saying she is 'very good to them' because she buys them presents (presents aren't really important to little kids, attention and affection is what does them good), and then bitching that they aren't suitably grateful, even though she knows at least one of them is being assessed for ND... nah. These kids don't need that in their lives, presents notwithstanding.

OP sounds intolerant and smug to me. Her brother sounds bitter and inappropriate and like he's struggling with parenthood. And I'm left feeling sorry for his kids.

What's your point?

You're saying the kids don't need the OP in their lives.

The OP doesn't particularly want to play an active role in their lives.

She wants to prioritise her job and her relationship with her own children.

Her brother is the one who wants her to play a more active role in his children's lives, despite the fact that she doesn't particularly want to, there's no evidence that the children particularly want her to, and he didn't play an active role in her children's life when they were young.

And when she says she doesn't have time, he complains that she has time for her own children.

Well, yes. They're her children. That she chose to have. His children are his children. That he chose to have, and is responsible for.

It sounds like he wants a free babysitter tbh.

Saying he gets incandescent with rage is pretty vague. What do you actually mean?

I find it hard to believe he's having a full blown tantrum or screaming and swearing because you saw your own child.

It’s very normal for people to post on social media about what they’re doing. That’s largely the point of Facebook/instagram/etc. OP isn’t doing anything abnormal or wrong here.

This seems like a very superfluous problem to post on Mumsnet, and if that is indicative of your use of social media in general, perhaps you are winding him up in some way you are not aware of.

It’s nice that he wants you to see his children, there are worse alternatives.

Superfluous? Really? Have you read Mumsnet?!

There’s lot of superfluous problems that get posted about on Mumsnet, so what?

She isn’t winding him up - he’s winding himself up, and failing to manage his own emotions. His reactions to her social media posts aren’t her fault, and it’s not on her to appease him. He also doesn’t get to make demands of her in regards to his children.

I’m going to go against the grain here slightly. He has no right to be treating you the way he does, but I feel that part of this ‘rage’ may be coming from a place of sadness that you don’t spend any time with his children. You may not like them (which is clear), and he probably realises that too - which will hurt him of course.

i don’t condone his actions but making time for his kids would be something that could prove beneficial to all of your relationships (auntie/niece/nephew and brother sister).

could you possibly arrange a whole family day together one weekend that include yourself and your brother and all the cousins?

again to repeat I don’t condone his actions but feeling like you don’t even like his kids could be a major factor in his mood.

i adore my nieces and nephew and go out of my way to spend time with them. They live some distance from me and i miss them terribly when i have gone through periods that I haven’t seen them for a while - i have three of my own kids too one of whom is 18 so between her and her youngest cousin their is a 17 year age gap, but I still encourage us all to spend time together

I think his point is “oh you can’t find time to see my kids but you seem to find time to see your own”.

You really need to speak to him about this. All parents should prioritise their own children. I also think you need to tell him his negativity re your lie is not welcome and if he can't be happy for you then he needs to keep his thoughts to himself.

Don't let him ruin your experiences with his 'pissing on your chips', as it were.

His children are quite hard to socialise with anyway. They don’t speak. One is shy and one has a condition (being assessed), so it’s not pleasant anyway.

This isn't a very nice way to speak about a niece/nephew who is shy or possibly ND. It kind of suggests that it's their fault if people don't want to be around them because they're quiet/awkward.

I also think that it comes down to the parents when kids don't give thanks for gifts.

Very jealous you can change your settings so he can only basically see your profile pictures if you change that.

OP why are you putting up with his behaviour? He’s being a jealous idiot.

How ungrateful to throw a present you bought his children, across the room, I’m sorry I wouldn’t stand for that, and would be low contact, if didn’t get an apology. How dare he says you see your children, more than his?!! They’re your kids!! He wasn’t around when your kids were young.

Out of interest what do you say back, when he says these things??

Just change your social media post/story settings so he can't see the holiday ones when you post them. You can do it by person. Easy.

That is taking male entitlement yo a whole new level.

Your brother sounds like a self entitled man child. Did you try to make him feel guilty when you were raising your children and he was travelling?

Ignore ignore ignore. He can man-tantrum as much as he likes, it’s absolutely fuck all to do with him how you spend your time. I wouldn’t be giving him the time of day. Dickhead.