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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother resentful of my lifestyle

297 replies

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 21:35

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55.

I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school.

Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his.

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at.

I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:10

Codlingmoths · 22/04/2024 22:08

Just mute him now on social media. Don’t wait.
I think his point is “oh you can’t find time to see my kids but you seem to find time to see your own”. I still don’t see his point. Presumably you stare blankly and say well yes. I see my children. I’m their mum. You weren’t around seeing my children when they were little, or me. Just stop putting up with any of this.

but be nice to his kids when you do see them- that comment you made wasn’t very nice.

This makes sense thank you. We are very good to his children, we buy them lovely things for birthdays Christmas Halloween Easter. We never get a thank you. There have been occasions where presents have been thrown across the room.

OP posts:
wafflesmgee · 22/04/2024 22:10

Codlingmoths · 22/04/2024 22:08

Just mute him now on social media. Don’t wait.
I think his point is “oh you can’t find time to see my kids but you seem to find time to see your own”. I still don’t see his point. Presumably you stare blankly and say well yes. I see my children. I’m their mum. You weren’t around seeing my children when they were little, or me. Just stop putting up with any of this.

but be nice to his kids when you do see them- that comment you made wasn’t very nice.

This is good advice.
Call him out on his ridiculous behaviour.
What an idiot.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/04/2024 22:11

I’m sorry, you say that it’s ‘not pleasant’ to see your own niece/nephews because they are shy and have a condition? How does that not make you deeply unpleasant. Oh and YANBU about your brother by the way, he is also unpleasant. Just block him/ignore the comments. But still - poor kids to have you begrudge spending time because of their shyness/condition. Better for you not to bother.

PonyPatter44 · 22/04/2024 22:17

I think it would be sensible to dial back the contact with your brother a bit - he doesn't sound entirely well (and possibly has a "condition " of his own). A lot of the things he is saying are completely ludicrous as you know, so perhaps it would be kinder to restrict what he can see on your social media.

Zooeyzo · 22/04/2024 22:18

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:10

This makes sense thank you. We are very good to his children, we buy them lovely things for birthdays Christmas Halloween Easter. We never get a thank you. There have been occasions where presents have been thrown across the room.

Show quote history

You sound like you don't like the kids at all.

Boxerdor · 22/04/2024 22:19

This is bizarre op. Of course you will spend any spare time with your children over some one else’s. Presumably he didn’t spend time with yours if he was off travelling? I would completely ignore this batshit behaviour and block him.

JockTamsonsBairns · 22/04/2024 22:23

I can't quite understand. There must be something else going on?

What grown man is "incandescent with rage" about his adult sister taking a holiday with her own adult daughter?

I'm extremely close to my sister, and I love her DCs as she loves mine. But, it goes without saying that our own are our priority.
We've never had to have a conversation to establish that - it's just how it works surely?

Perhaps he's struggling and wants your support, but doesn't feel able to ask for it in an acceptable way?
How is your relationship with him normally, and are you concerned about his opinion/maintaining relations with him?

One of my brothers is an insufferable prick. I don't seek, or welcome, his opinion on anything - and I certainly have no desire to maintain a relationship with him.

I guess this is relevant to your question.

nadine90 · 22/04/2024 22:23

Of course his rage and jealousy is bizarre and out of order.
That said, what was he like as an uncle to your kids? Could he be picking up on the vibes that you aren’t fond of his kids? Did he put a lot of effort in when he was child free and now upset that it’s not reciprocated?
I suppose it depends how much your relationship with him matters to you. You could either talk it out and try and find out what is the root of all this, or you could ignore it and pull away altogether.

JudgeJ · 22/04/2024 22:25

There have been occasions where presents have been thrown across the room.

Those would have been the last presents they had the chance to throw across the room!

AppleCrumbleTea · 22/04/2024 22:26

It might be that he feels a bit overwhelmed with his own set up and limited by finances but you get the fall out. This doesn’t mean his behaviour is acceptable

JudgeJ · 22/04/2024 22:28

Zooeyzo · 22/04/2024 22:18

You sound like you don't like the kids at all.

Show quote history

And you would like children who throw your gifts across the room?
Where's their mother in all of this drama?

Scarletttulips · 22/04/2024 22:29

Why are you posting on SM?

There’s really no need.

Stop doing it. Nobody needs to know your business.

Codlingmoths · 22/04/2024 22:32

nadine90 · 22/04/2024 22:23

Of course his rage and jealousy is bizarre and out of order.
That said, what was he like as an uncle to your kids? Could he be picking up on the vibes that you aren’t fond of his kids? Did he put a lot of effort in when he was child free and now upset that it’s not reciprocated?
I suppose it depends how much your relationship with him matters to you. You could either talk it out and try and find out what is the root of all this, or you could ignore it and pull away altogether.

The op says Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him so he put no effort at all into her children or her. It’s only his. He’s just completely entitled.

Zooeyzo · 22/04/2024 22:34

JudgeJ · 22/04/2024 22:28

And you would like children who throw your gifts across the room?
Where's their mother in all of this drama?

Show quote history

One has a condition as OP said. Maybe this is related to it.

ViciousCurrentBun · 22/04/2024 22:38

Just do not post on SM, I live far from my family so what I do is unknown to them unless I choose to tell. Same with DH sister. We have been careful because our lives are very different to theirs. I retired early a couple of years ago and DH will retire soon, maybe as soon as 18 months. We were just talking about how our siblings will react, none of them have been able to retire early at all. SIL and one of my sisters will be sarcastic and a bit off with us, the others on my side will be fine.

MariaLuna · 22/04/2024 22:48

he was incandescent with rage that we’re having a holiday with our daughter soon.

Oh dear. I'd be dialling contact with him right down.

ObsidianTree · 22/04/2024 22:53

Did he visit your kids when they were younger? Or was he off travelling etc?

RandomButtons · 22/04/2024 22:58

is he regretting having kids/finding it far harder than expected and hoping to pass them over to you for a few hours?

He sounds terribly unpleasant.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 22/04/2024 23:04

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/04/2024 22:11

I’m sorry, you say that it’s ‘not pleasant’ to see your own niece/nephews because they are shy and have a condition? How does that not make you deeply unpleasant. Oh and YANBU about your brother by the way, he is also unpleasant. Just block him/ignore the comments. But still - poor kids to have you begrudge spending time because of their shyness/condition. Better for you not to bother.

Oh get off your high horse. Some people are harder work than others. That's life.

RedToothBrush · 22/04/2024 23:06

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 21:58

I said to DH today that I’m going to restrict him from seeing my FB posts if we’re out with our grown up kids or on holiday.

I spoke to him a few days ago and he was incandescent with rage that we’re having a holiday with our daughter soon.

Why do you even bother with him?

He's abusive. So just go low or no contact.

Problem solved.

Takenoprisoner · 22/04/2024 23:08

Just more male entitlement. He's incredibly lacking in self-awareness. I would say calmly every time, yes they are my children, of course I'm going to see them. Him raging because you're going on holiday with your own daughter is almost comical. You need to put him on an information diet, restrict on social media and if he finds out anyway you've been spending time with your children and has a go at you, tell him to bugger off. I would ask him why he has a problem with me spending time with my own children.

MzHz · 22/04/2024 23:08

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:01

I think because I don’t see his children often the thought is “oh you don’t have any spare time but you miraculously find some for your own children “

The response to this is, “yeah well errrr… of course…”

don’t forget the head tilt

your db is a tool!

MzHz · 22/04/2024 23:10

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:10

This makes sense thank you. We are very good to his children, we buy them lovely things for birthdays Christmas Halloween Easter. We never get a thank you. There have been occasions where presents have been thrown across the room.

Show quote history

Oh ffs, just stop.

mute the little prick and send gift vouchers or cash.

stop making other people a priority when it’s clear he doesn’t consider you or your feelings at all.

ABirdsEyeView · 22/04/2024 23:17

I honestly don't understand these threads, where people tolerate such awful behaviour from others!

Why haven't you told him to wind his neck in? Of course you see your own children, it's entirely natural that they are your priority and I truly don't get why you haven't said this to him.

At the very least, I don't see why you haven't blocked him from your SM.

keffie12 · 22/04/2024 23:59

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:01

I think because I don’t see his children often the thought is “oh you don’t have any spare time but you miraculously find some for your own children “

What!!! I would be putting some serious space between you and your brother.

Your first loyalty is to your children. Not his! If he is jealous, that's his problem. He lived a life travelling and had his children later in life. That's not your problem.

Wtf is his problem? You are going on holiday with your adult child.

Being incandescent with rage because you are isn't good. There are a lot of red flags here.

I'm not saying go, NC. I'm saying this is scary behaviour. You really need to stand back from him. It's concerning