Page 12 | Brother resentful of my lifestyle

Whataworld1 · 2024-04-22T20:35:25+00:00

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55. I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school. Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his. He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at. I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

ruthgordon123 · 24/04/2024 18:53

It sounds like you've swapped places. You were jealous of him and now he's jealous of you. If you don't like each other don't bother seeing each other.

FeetLikeFlippers · 24/04/2024 19:05

There are two types of people when it comes to the perceived success of their friends and relatives - those that are happy that their loved ones are happy, and those who compare themselves and get jealous and resentful. No need to state which one your brother is but remember that these attitudes are indicative of his negative view of life in general and are nothing to do with you - and sadly he’s never going to change.

Havinganamechange · 24/04/2024 20:55

He sounds like he is angry and resentful and maybe hating his life. I think you are getting the brunt. I would exclude him from your FB posts if he continues to make silly comments.

changeme4this · 24/04/2024 22:43

You can still have people as friends on fb, but set them up as restricted so they do t get to see your latest posts.

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 24/04/2024 23:20

You have a choice in this,choose to put up with his bad behaviour or leave him to it and walk away.
I recall my adult brother behaving badly,coming to my house and I sat upstairs ignoring him banging on my door and shouting.He thought he was entitled to behave like that with me.No.Never again. We do speak now but he knows there are boundaries.
you need to put boundaries in place.

Mamanyt · 24/04/2024 23:59

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 21:54

I don’t see a lot of his kids, because of my working hours. I work 7 days a week normally, in a self employed job. I think his point is “oh you can’t find time to see my kids but you seem to find time to see your own”.

His children are quite hard to socialise with anyway. They don’t speak. One is shy and one has a condition (being assessed), so it’s not pleasant anyway.

UM...that seems absolutely absurd! My own children are WELL-grown, in their 40s, but given a choice between seeing them and seeing someone else's children, mine will win, hands down, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Laura1978 · 25/04/2024 06:39

Did he spend a lot of time with your kids when they were young?

BlastedPimples · 25/04/2024 06:39

If you're not exaggerating, he sounds at best, utterly illogical and at worst, insane.

Why would you use spare time to see his children before your own?

Why can't you go on holiday? Was he really "incandescent" with rage about your next holiday?

I would simply have nothing to do with him.

Chattycatt · 25/04/2024 06:47

If you want to post on social media you should - you shouldn’t stop because a man in his fifties is so insecure. I would go seriously low/no contact and stop paying attention to him. He’s clearly trying to make his problems yours and life’s too short for that shit. He should know better at that age.

Ilovecleaning · 25/04/2024 07:42

Zooeyzo · 22/04/2024 22:18

You sound like you don't like the kids at all.

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No, it doesn’t sound like OP doesn’t like the kids at all.

OneWildBiscuit · 25/04/2024 09:17

SpeedyDrama · 22/04/2024 21:57

Well, you’d probably have an unanimous YANBU until that last sentence. Sounds like no adult in this situation is pleasant to be around so just do your own thing.

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She's entitled to feel this way. They're not her kids and she has no obligation to spend her precious time with them, especially not at the expense of seeing her own kids.

SpeedyDrama · 25/04/2024 10:10

OneWildBiscuit · 25/04/2024 09:17

She's entitled to feel this way. They're not her kids and she has no obligation to spend her precious time with them, especially not at the expense of seeing her own kids.

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The op said they’re not pleasant to be around because they have additional needs. It would be a bit more understandable if she had said ‘I’m middle age and starting to find young children tiring in longer visits’, but to specifically say ‘they’re not pleasant to be around because of their additional needs’ is a completely different statement. Which of course she’s entitled to feel but it’s still a shockingly rude thing to say out loud. If the op was my family member and expressed herself in this way Id fully cut contact, so her problem of spending time with the children would be solved I guess.

laraitopbanana · 25/04/2024 10:21

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 21:54

I don’t see a lot of his kids, because of my working hours. I work 7 days a week normally, in a self employed job. I think his point is “oh you can’t find time to see my kids but you seem to find time to see your own”.

His children are quite hard to socialise with anyway. They don’t speak. One is shy and one has a condition (being assessed), so it’s not pleasant anyway.

I think behind the sarcasm is actually someone asking for your help. He doesn’t go the right way but if « one is assessed and the other one is shy »...he might think (wrongly but still) that you could help.

behind every jealousy is hurts. If you care for your brother, ask him if he needs help. If you don’t care that much, well, you can opt him out to see you social media posts to avoid him commenting. If he is disagreeable, tell him.

I am sorry for you guys. It does seem like you only want to enjoy and he throws at you some more to do.

be kind with you and him 👏🏼

threatmatrix · 25/04/2024 11:49

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 21:58

I said to DH today that I’m going to restrict him from seeing my FB posts if we’re out with our grown up kids or on holiday.

I spoke to him a few days ago and he was incandescent with rage that we’re having a holiday with our daughter soon.

I think his jealousy is making him slightly unhinged. You need to take a step back from him. Just carry on as normal and ignore him. Any sarcastic comments on social media answer with laughing emojis. What does your husband think.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/04/2024 12:05

laraitopbanana · 25/04/2024 10:21

I think behind the sarcasm is actually someone asking for your help. He doesn’t go the right way but if « one is assessed and the other one is shy »...he might think (wrongly but still) that you could help.

behind every jealousy is hurts. If you care for your brother, ask him if he needs help. If you don’t care that much, well, you can opt him out to see you social media posts to avoid him commenting. If he is disagreeable, tell him.

I am sorry for you guys. It does seem like you only want to enjoy and he throws at you some more to do.

be kind with you and him 👏🏼

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Or, alternatively -

This is a man who had a globetrotting single-man lifestyle for 20 years. He got himself a young trophy wife who wanted children and he's finding having primary-aged children at 55 a bit of a shock. Plus his trophy wife is pressing for another baby, so he'd be 60+ before that child was in school. (Anyone else seen 'It's Complicated'? The Alec Baldwin character.)

"He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays", and really resents it. He is in a place he doesn't want to be, that bears no relation to his earlier life and probably no relation to how he saw his mid-life panning out - still globe-trotting, young trophy wife on his arm, well-off and regarded as successful by all.

He's seething and bitter and his sister is a convenient punching bag to take out his frustrations.

I'd even say my possibility is more probable that yours.

RawBloomers · 25/04/2024 13:13

laraitopbanana · 25/04/2024 10:21

I think behind the sarcasm is actually someone asking for your help. He doesn’t go the right way but if « one is assessed and the other one is shy »...he might think (wrongly but still) that you could help.

behind every jealousy is hurts. If you care for your brother, ask him if he needs help. If you don’t care that much, well, you can opt him out to see you social media posts to avoid him commenting. If he is disagreeable, tell him.

I am sorry for you guys. It does seem like you only want to enjoy and he throws at you some more to do.

be kind with you and him 👏🏼

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But it’s help OP doesn’t want to give. She’s already busy, has done her stint in the trenches with kids. Didn’t choose to have responsibility for young kids at this stage in her life. Doesn’t enjoy being with his kids. And didn’t get similar help off her DB when she did have young kids. (Also, she isn’t the one considering adding to the stress with another child).

Helping him out wouldn’t be OP being kind to herself in any way, would it? It would be her being a mug.

laraitopbanana · 25/04/2024 13:14

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/04/2024 12:05

Or, alternatively -

This is a man who had a globetrotting single-man lifestyle for 20 years. He got himself a young trophy wife who wanted children and he's finding having primary-aged children at 55 a bit of a shock. Plus his trophy wife is pressing for another baby, so he'd be 60+ before that child was in school. (Anyone else seen 'It's Complicated'? The Alec Baldwin character.)

"He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays", and really resents it. He is in a place he doesn't want to be, that bears no relation to his earlier life and probably no relation to how he saw his mid-life panning out - still globe-trotting, young trophy wife on his arm, well-off and regarded as successful by all.

He's seething and bitter and his sister is a convenient punching bag to take out his frustrations.

I'd even say my possibility is more probable that yours.

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i think we say the same.

the question is not if he is right to feel the way he is anyway. He is entittled to his own feelings without being judged by you... however, and as she asks, she shouldn’t not give help if she wants to because of his past success/wrong expectations (she can put limits) nor is she obligated to because she is « more free » to do so. She might, aswell, experience a period of need after her enjoyment part. Just like pretty everyone.

it is entirely up to her to « block » him from social media or not so she can peacefully enjoy her holidays. Or dig a bit to make sure his mental health is ok.

laraitopbanana · 25/04/2024 13:24

RawBloomers · 25/04/2024 13:13

But it’s help OP doesn’t want to give. She’s already busy, has done her stint in the trenches with kids. Didn’t choose to have responsibility for young kids at this stage in her life. Doesn’t enjoy being with his kids. And didn’t get similar help off her DB when she did have young kids. (Also, she isn’t the one considering adding to the stress with another child).

Helping him out wouldn’t be OP being kind to herself in any way, would it? It would be her being a mug.

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she didn’t write she doesn’t want to help her brother. Just that he seems jealous and mess up her « I enjoy my life » posts.

I also didn’t write it was her responsibilities, just that maybe there was something else behind.

peakygold · 25/04/2024 19:21

I'm sure there is a lot more to this story. I'd like to hear his side.

Ilovecleaning · 26/04/2024 07:06

A small point: I don’t know why she hasn’t blocked him on FB ages ago. So easy to do and it would end one of her sources of irritation: his sarcastic comments on FB.

TillyMSF · 28/04/2024 17:06

He sounds like my brother. He's gotten much worse as we've gotten older. He's competitive about ridiculous things, still expects me to do chores for him (I've always rebuffed him and refused these since I was 5 years old! Why would things change after many decades??) and can be verbally abusive. He's really koo-koo crazy.

I put him on an information diet (no social media and telling him nothing of my opinions or purchases) and it works.

There's no excuse for bullying if it comes from a stranger or family member. You deserve better treatment!

BruFord · 28/04/2024 17:56

@TillyMSF One of my DH’s siblings is competitive. Unlike your brother though, she’s basically nice, she just always wants to be slightly “ahead” of everyone else.

She’s just announced that they’re going to the same holiday destination as DH and DS did last year, because any time someone goes somewhere, she always has to go there too…or if she’s already been there, she knows far more about it than anyone else. 😂

She doesn’t seem to realize that no one else cares and it’s a bit of a family joke!