Page 11 | Brother resentful of my lifestyle

Whataworld1 · 2024-04-22T20:35:25+00:00

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55. I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school. Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his. He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at. I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

teabooks · 23/04/2024 18:08

zingally · 23/04/2024 17:03

He's jealous OP, that's all.

The thing is, he chose to have his fun at the start of his adult journey, while you were in the trenches of primary school etc. Now it's his turn. But of course, no one MADE him decide to have kids.
But now he has a child with additional needs, which is always hard, and in his eyes, you're swanning around having fun. But he's forgotten that you did your bit while HE was swanning!

Ignore him OP.

i agree with this 100% this is what i said to my sister but she laughed at me.
Now look at her.
I chose to be mum first.
She chose fun and partying first.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 23/04/2024 18:19

From characters I've known like this, he has probably constructed a narrative in his head whereby he and his family really "deserve" your money more than you do. Of course he would never vocalise it, but I would guess he's thinking it on some level. So when he sees you having a fancy holiday, enjoying life, he thinks, "she doesn't need that money, we could really do with that money". And thinks you should be giving more to his children.

Weird how he is so demanding of your time and resentful of how busy you are. Do you think he is hurt you aren't as interested in his children as he hoped? As a selfish person, thinks his children should be not just the centre of his world but the centre of everybody's? Or maybe as others have suggested thinks you should be taking them on days out etc?

He doesn't sound very pleasant. I would certainly change your social media privacy settings so he no longer sees your posts ("friends except... on facebook).

Daleksatemyshed · 23/04/2024 18:27

@Hereallweek your post rings true with me. So many posts on here from DM's who are aggrieved by their DPs or ILs not making time for their grandchildren, who thought they'd be available for regular childcare/sleepovers and are hurt and angry that the DGPs are more interested in going on holiday. I think the OPs DB thought she'd fill that sort of role in his life, maybe with some financial help thrown in, but he's totally misjudged his place in her life. You can't spend 20 years hardly bothering with family then expect them to be delighted to see you and want to spend all their spare time helping you out. He even seems angry that his neices/nephews don't bother with him but he was never around for them to get to know him.

walnutcoffeecake · 23/04/2024 18:42

Go enjoy your life op his kids his problem end off.
Your parenting days are over and you dont have responsibility he does.
Take as many pics as you can and post away it nothing to do with him what you go and do.
I have siblings with kids and they all no not to ask me to baby sit do a school run.
No thanks you chose you path i chose mine.

adjsavedmylife · 23/04/2024 18:52

Hereallweek · 23/04/2024 15:26

Have you ever been internally, secretly but irrationally furious with someone for not acting in the way you thought they would, despite you never discussing it with them? I know I have.

I wonder if OP's brother had a strong idea in his head of how parenting will be, i.e. OP will be on hand with lots of both practical and financial help because she's already had her children. In real life this (quite reasonably!) isn't happening due to OP having other priorities and demands on her time and he massively resents it, despite never letting OP in on his 'plan'?

If I'm right, there's nothing you (OP) can do about it than restrict what information you share online and in person and, sadly, reduce your contact with him.

I think there could be some truth in this. He wants you to be part of his village despite not being part of yours during the trench years. It’s not wrong to want that, but it is wrong to expect it, and very wrong to rage over you having other very normal priorities!

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2024 19:10

I would find it very difficult not to tell my brother to just fuck off with his bitterness. He expects you to see HIS children and not your own if you have a day off? Oh do fuck off, brother dearest!

SwordToFlamethrower · 23/04/2024 19:10

Tell him to get a grip and eff off

RazzlePuff · 23/04/2024 19:51

No Oxygen

Reminded of my mother’s strategy with tricky family and colleagues.

She says she just listens and changes subject, says “I’d like to learn more about that” or just Hmmm, and shifts body away or goes to find “the children”.

Her view is “their problem is not my problem” and I’m not given it any oxygen and just puts whatever they said out of her mind (or so she says). Her workplace very toxic, she doesn’t want to be on any “side”, pretends doesn’t know anything but knows more than most.

bonzaitree · 23/04/2024 21:35

He’s jealous.

If he makes sarcastic comments then you should call him out!

Tell him it’s rude and upsetting.

Original poster

Whataworld1 · 23/04/2024 22:14

So many comments have struck home here and it’s interesting that others are in the same boat! There is a 20 year age gap between our children. We are on completely different pages. We went to a ball pit place with his kids recently and I’d forgotten what they were like . It was a nice day but I didn’t like the sounds and smells. It was like an assault on the senses that I’d forgotten about. 😂

OP posts:

JudgeJ · 23/04/2024 22:23

CrispieCake · 23/04/2024 06:04

Why is this relevant? Because misbehaviour on the part of the kids is the mother's fault not the father's? A poor father on his own can't be expected to control his children?

Show quote history

Misbehaviour is the fault of the parents if there are two, I simply find it interesting that at that stage no mention had been made of a second parent. But do carry on flag waving for the 'sisterhood'!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 23/04/2024 23:50

LoudSnoringDog · 23/04/2024 06:04

Tell him to grow up

Because, um, that's really going to help?

ChocolateLemons · 24/04/2024 09:51

HoppingPavlova · 23/04/2024 07:07

@ChocolateLemons If it was me I would prioritise the niece/nephew(s) - not because of the brother but to value them in their own right

You would prioritise seeing your nieces/nephews over your own kids???????

Nope can see it reads like that but meant prioritise in general

teabooks · 24/04/2024 10:48

Whataworld1 · 23/04/2024 22:14

So many comments have struck home here and it’s interesting that others are in the same boat! There is a 20 year age gap between our children. We are on completely different pages. We went to a ball pit place with his kids recently and I’d forgotten what they were like . It was a nice day but I didn’t like the sounds and smells. It was like an assault on the senses that I’d forgotten about. 😂

I get what your saying when our kids have passed them stages so have we.
Its not me anymore to be around little ones i cant deal with the noise the chatting about schools play dates the cost etc tantrums crying.
Im past all that and now its all about me.
Some would call me selfish but i chose mother hood first so when my kids got to adult hood I'd have years left to enjoy myself.
I did not want to be parenting into my 50s 60s or 70s them years are mine.
If that makes us smug then so be it.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/04/2024 14:43

Whataworld1 · 23/04/2024 22:14

So many comments have struck home here and it’s interesting that others are in the same boat! There is a 20 year age gap between our children. We are on completely different pages. We went to a ball pit place with his kids recently and I’d forgotten what they were like . It was a nice day but I didn’t like the sounds and smells. It was like an assault on the senses that I’d forgotten about. 😂

Oh I hear you! The ideal of a ball pit or a Chuck E Cheese-style place (assuming you have them in the UK) would be my idea of the 9th circle of Hell.

And there's nothing wrong with stepping away from things that aren't enjoyable to you. I suppose I could deal with it if I had a grandchild who wanted to go, but if it was anyone else's child, I'd politely decline.

Edit: confused with a different post. edited info irrevelant.

RawBloomers · 24/04/2024 17:06

kaben · 23/04/2024 17:00

I can see he is the problem, not you.

but why do you even use social media? it’s a bloody awful thing - I’m saying this because like you, am also old enough to remember life before everything got slathered all over social media.

I would WhatsApp holiday snaps to your kids. Why would anyone else be genuinely interested? Do you remember the days where people would invite others over to see paper holiday snaps and it was a cliched boring thing? Now, it’s no longer boring, but a source of jealousy and resentment (and sometimes lets people know your house is empty).

anyway. He’s obv having a rough time with little kids, being too old to suck up those kind of difficulties. He wouldn’t harp on at you if there was no social media to rub it in his face that you are rich and free compared to him. He wouldn’t know if you visited your kids.

social media is something I will never ever understand. I’m 46. I have an 18yo. When it very first came about, I remember thinking that only a total narcissist would post stuff about their life, their “story”. But it has now been normalised. And the problems it causes are never ending.

overall I can understand his jealousy. Some of his situation is of his own making, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult for him to compare his situation to yours. And for him to think that you should help him when he is so down (because social media is making your life look glorious and carefree).

what do you get out of social media? A lot of strife ? What else?

If you have friends and family who aren’t narcissistic dicks then social media can be a great way of staying in touch in a low key way. I love that my brother’s kids’ photos pop up from time to time. I like knowing their football team has won, that they have just had the best haircut EVER! That my friend is on holiday, rafting in Vietnam and that my father in law has found yet another picturesque scene in London to take a photo of. I enjoy being reminded of old times when school friends post the album they’re listening to and I salivate over the incredible dishes my talented cook friends sometimes share.

None of it is particularly narcisstic. It’s not boring the way sitting through hundreds of snaps of a beach, hotel and tourist spot used to be (and thank god social media means my MiL no longer does this - her facebook posts with anecdotes about the photos are fascinating in a way those albums were not). It keeps me up to date on at least bits of their lives and makes it much easier to catch up when I do see them.

I haven’t had a single problem in my life develop from social media. On the contrary, my relationships with friends and family are way stronger because of it.

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 24/04/2024 17:45

You’re not being unreasonable but be aware that many people are struggling at the mo and over sharing holidays on social can bring out the green eyed monster in the best of us

Jumpers4goalposts · 24/04/2024 17:49

I don’t think he’s resentful about your lifestyle more probably upset for his children that you don’t want to spend time with them. My DC have cousins like this on my side they see them regularly and enjoy spending time with them even though they are all young adults. On DH’s side when they were teenagers we didn’t see them much due to MH issues. As adults they haven’t chosen not to spend time with them, always busy, always working so my DC’s don’t really know them, my eldest is friendly when they do make contact but my youngest doesn’t know them and won’t tolerate them near her and they get upset she won’t hug them etc. I feel sad for them all really.

Like you’ve said I would mute your posts to him.

GoldEagle · 24/04/2024 18:00

You can block your brother from your social media.

Pippetypoppity · 24/04/2024 18:02

Ok so just checking ….
Did he visit your kids a lot and spend time on them when they were a similar age?
Is he a single parent or does he have a partner involved with his childrens lives?
Does he feel that because they are shy/may have a condition they really need extended family in their lives to help their confidence and communication skills?
If Amy of the above apply he may possibly have a bit of a point.
If not then perhaps he’s just a jealous arse !

LocutisOfBorg · 24/04/2024 18:04

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:01

I think because I don’t see his children often the thought is “oh you don’t have any spare time but you miraculously find some for your own children “

That's not miraculous, it's normal. It's quite ok to prioritise your own kids, regardless of their age.

BruFord · 24/04/2024 18:23

This is such pathetic behavior, what on earth’s wrong with him?

He spent his youth traveling and settled down later than you. He made his life choices and you made yours.

As PP’s have advised, block him on SM and be sparing with what you tell him about your activities. If he can’t be nice, he doesn’t deserve to know!

LordC · 24/04/2024 18:28

Block him if he's going to be that way.

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 24/04/2024 18:35

Unless he made a massive effort to build a relationship with your children when they were primary age, I don't see why he would expect that from you...

lemming40 · 24/04/2024 18:48

Sounds like a jealous self-centred idiot. I would post more lifestyle posts on social media.