Brother resentful of my lifestyle

[Whataworld1]

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55.

I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school.

Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his.

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at.

I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

I agree with PPs who have said this sounds like displaced resentment. Having children with conditions/challenges, plus financial challenges, is hard, but that is a bad hand dealt by a random universe. It is however hard to rail at the universe, and much easier to find ourselves railing at those close to us.

It is also hard for you to have to deal with his taking his resentment and anger at the world out on you, and completely unfair of him to do that.

Could you have a conversation about how the dynamic is making you feel? Use the "when x, I feel y" formula to avoid apportioning blame and keep the conversation in the realm of emotions. Eg "when I read a post like this one of yours on my social media, it makes me feel [sad/confused/etc]". If, and it's a big if, he can actually bring himself to share his feelings in a caring conversation, it may stop them bubbling up like this.

The fact he is taking his feelings out on you suggests to me that subconsciously he wants you to know he is hurting, and may even want emotional support from you. But because he's not expressing this directly, it's bubbling over and out in weird and unhelpful and ultimately hurtful ways.

If you value your relationship then perhaps you can draw on your own emotional reserves, which are hopefully quite rich at the moment given your life seems to be a lovely, stable and pretty happy place, to help him work through a time when, for whatever reason, his seem depleted.

Totally agree he needs blocking from your social media. I would also quietly back away from him and cut right down on contact with him. Keep it breezy and polite and unemotional.

He was 'incandescent' because you took a holiday? I don't think he is well. You don't need this anger and attempts to control you in your head and your life.

I wonder what the brother's version of events would be?

It’s sneer by the way. On FB you can choose your audience and hide him
from seeing your posts.

It doesn't really matter, does it?

She doesn't have to prioritise spending time with her brother's children over her job or her own children.

And she is entitled to go on holiday.

Her brother needs to take responsibility for his own choices.

What could it be? "My sister takes fancy vacations and spends time/does things with her adult children but she never does the same for my young children, she only sends them nice presents for their birthdays, Xmas, etc".

OP has a right to have the relationship with her niblings that she chooses to have. And her brother certainly isn't helping matters by making snotty comments. She doesn't owe her brother nor his children any specific amount of time (or money spent on them). And she certainly shouldn't 'short' her own children any of the time she spends with them. And if by 'never spending time' he means provide childcare or foot the bill for outings then he's doubly out of order.

I get that he's an older dad and that young children, especially with special needs, is exhausting. However, it was his choice to have children at 'his age' (obvs no one 'plans' to have a child with special needs, but still). And it doesn't mean his sister should bail him out at the expense of her own children, even if those children are adults. I have adult children and time spent with them is even more precious because we travel and they have very busy lives so time spent together is hard to come by.

The only caveat (to me) would be if OP's brother lavished time, money, and attention on her DC when they were little, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

If you survived without your DB being in your life regularly for 20 years you can manage for the next 20 without him..

It's irrelevant what country he's in, doesn't seem like he offers much joy in you life so just block on all SM and ignore him.

Have you ever been internally, secretly but irrationally furious with someone for not acting in the way you thought they would, despite you never discussing it with them? I know I have.

I wonder if OP's brother had a strong idea in his head of how parenting will be, i.e. OP will be on hand with lots of both practical and financial help because she's already had her children. In real life this (quite reasonably!) isn't happening due to OP having other priorities and demands on her time and he massively resents it, despite never letting OP in on his 'plan'?

If I'm right, there's nothing you (OP) can do about it than restrict what information you share online and in person and, sadly, reduce your contact with him.

I have exactly the same situation OP.
Nothing to do with age. It’s been going on since I chose to go to Uni and he didn’t. He could have, he had the grades, he just wanted to make money and didn’t want to study anymore.
Now I and my dh make more than him he’s been bitter for about 20years. It became unbearable when we decided to pay for private schooling and he and his second wife would take the resentment out on our kids too.
We decided our life was better without them…….and it is !

He sounds ridiculous for a grown man and bitter. Just block him on social media and tell him if he keeps up his silly immature behavior that you will have no relationship at all.

He sounds a bit nuts, tbh. He has to know that, barring backstory of epic proportions, parents will always prioritise their own children over even beloved nieces and nephews. Of course you'll make time to see your own kids (even if they're grown).

If he's actually incandescent with rage over your ability to take holidays he can't afford, I think it's time to give him some ultimatums. Hiding your social media from him is all well and good, but what makes him think it's okay to behave in this way?

I'd tell him straight out that you're tired of it, and that if he continues to be openly resentful, you'll have to stop seeing or speaking with him as often as you do. If he's unstable enough that you worry he might react violently, I'd just go straight to reducing contact. It's not good for either of you to go on this way, if he's flying into a rage over silly things.

He is jealous as hell 😤🤬you are care free with no demands on your time and freedom

He doesn't like it and wishes you were his personal go to convient whenever he feels like it babysitter to make his life so much easier and more fun for himself and his misses.

Well of course you do they’re your children.

Sounds like he's made choices he's not actually enjoyed. Much younger wife ... to keep her he has to keep agreeing to children when he's already in his mid-50s ... but doesn't have any money or time to himself anymore. So he's bitterly jealous that you've already done all that and now have your life back at the same age.

He doesn't want you to 'see' his children; he wants you to take some of the burden off of him I suspect, ie watch them for him, do the heavy lifting instead of taking time for yourself. You don't owe him that.

Just block him from seeing your SM posts if he's being an arse about it all.

I came on to say there isn’t anything you can do - we were in this position 20 years ago, and my db’s resentment and jealously just got worse and worse until we went low contact, and after a while pretty much no contact except for Christmas and birthdays.

As we became more successful so he got angrier and more disenchanted, his nasty comments and sarcasm became too much, and I didn’t think it was right that my children should listen to it. It was a relief to see him less and less.

You can work on x, y and z but really the change in mindset has to come from him. You should protect your children from this op. Especially if it has become very toxic.

I think your brother is deeply unhappy, perhaps regrets some of his life choices and is taking it out on you.

I agree with others - distance yourself from him and limit the social media contact.

I don't think there's anything you can do to change how he feels.

I'm not particularly keen on my nephew's and nieces. DH found it tough enough with his own kids there's no way he'd be signing up to regularly take on his siblings.
We like them in a distant, relative sort of way but they are so different to our own kids and it's so hard to spend time with them without coming over as judging our siblings parenting.
I loved the suggestion of board games and jigsaws, my own kids would have embraced that but one set of cousins are all about the screens from an early age. There's no way 'quality' time would be at all pleasant with us all coming from different directions.
Makes me sad, never thought I'd be so cold and rational about blood relatives but they never put any heart into my kids and I feel more affection for friends kids than certain nieces.

What strikes me here is that you are taking this crap off a man. I don’t care that he’s your brother.

I have 2 brothers and they don’t speak to me like that. They are happy when things go well for me. I’ve not had a bad word from either of them, and if I did I’d tell them to fook off.

Your DB travelled for 20 years with work, he’s seen loads. He’s now just tired, and bitter that he’s looking after children when others are now free.

As for commenting on your DC, why take that crap? I’d tell him, “well yes, they are my DC, and they come first, before anyone else”.

Mute him on SM and don’t tell him what you are doing. It’s none of your business.

I don’t understand why he’s getting away with bullying you.

He doesn't want you to 'see' his children; he wants you to take some of the burden off of him I suspect, ie watch them for him, do the heavy lifting instead of taking time for yourself.

I think that has to be a possibility here.

If you can find the right moment you should point out that his youngest child is x years younger than your youngest child, therefore it will be x years before he enjoys the same level of freedom that you do.

Social media...Why do you feel the need to post so much on it?

It's often just a boast- fest anyway..Far better to keep your holidays &c to yourself. He need never even know.

It can't be much fun for him either if his kids don't communicate easily.

I can see he is the problem, not you.

but why do you even use social media? it’s a bloody awful thing - I’m saying this because like you, am also old enough to remember life before everything got slathered all over social media.

I would WhatsApp holiday snaps to your kids. Why would anyone else be genuinely interested? Do you remember the days where people would invite others over to see paper holiday snaps and it was a cliched boring thing? Now, it’s no longer boring, but a source of jealousy and resentment (and sometimes lets people know your house is empty).

anyway. He’s obv having a rough time with little kids, being too old to suck up those kind of difficulties. He wouldn’t harp on at you if there was no social media to rub it in his face that you are rich and free compared to him. He wouldn’t know if you visited your kids.

social media is something I will never ever understand. I’m 46. I have an 18yo. When it very first came about, I remember thinking that only a total narcissist would post stuff about their life, their “story”. But it has now been normalised. And the problems it causes are never ending.

overall I can understand his jealousy. Some of his situation is of his own making, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult for him to compare his situation to yours. And for him to think that you should help him when he is so down (because social media is making your life look glorious and carefree).

what do you get out of social media? A lot of strife ? What else?

He's jealous OP, that's all.

The thing is, he chose to have his fun at the start of his adult journey, while you were in the trenches of primary school etc. Now it's his turn. But of course, no one MADE him decide to have kids.
But now he has a child with additional needs, which is always hard, and in his eyes, you're swanning around having fun. But he's forgotten that you did your bit while HE was swanning!

Ignore him OP.

Of course you find more time for your own children as opposed to nieces/nephews. What a bitter twat.

I get it op my sister is the same as your brother.
I had my 2 children when i was young and she would laugh and sneer at me.
She had her 2 very much later last one at 48 not in nursery yet eldest at still at primary.
Mine are adults and have their own lifes now.
And she hates me im sure of it.
I have holidays more because i can afford to now i can get up and go when and where i want i have no responsibility anymore.
But i get her moaning that i dont come see her kids well tbh i dont want to be around tantrums and talk about school them days are over for me.
Or getting asked to baby sit so she can have a break I flat out say no she did not
help me only laugh and sneer she said some awful hurtful things.
The older mine got the less i wanted to be around little ones.
Its all jealousy simple.
Enjoy your life op and take no notice of your brother he chose to have kids later in life and sounds like he regrets it.
I say there your kids not mine by.