Brother resentful of my lifestyle

[Whataworld1]

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55.

I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school.

Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his.

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at.

I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

He sounds unhappy with his life choices. If you haven’t already I’d ask him about his behaviour. He is completely jealous. I would point out his nice holidays when your children were little. I’m not sure I would visit him often due to his behaviour! I would restrict him also on social media.

@ChocolateLemons If it was me I would prioritise the niece/nephew(s) - not because of the brother but to value them in their own right

You would prioritise seeing your nieces/nephews over your own kids???????

Your DB is probably missing his old life, the freedom, the travel, having more disposable income. He's jealous that the tables are turned and you are doing what he no longer can.

Mute or block him from your social media and don't tell him so much of your business. His partner will probably be grateful if he's not having his jealousy triggered, causing him to be an angry, unreasonable twat.

His children are quite hard to socialise with anyway. They don’t speak. One is shy and one has a condition (being assessed), so it’s not pleasant anyway.

It sounds like both of you are sneary about each other’s situation - him more openly. The penny will drop soon that you don’t like him and his kids and he’ll start to back off.

You are not responsible for his unhappiness. He chose to have children late in life. I would go no contact if it was me.

As PP said, just hide your posts from him on SM but I would also be saying to him " brother, clearly my life choices are causing you anger so I'll stop calling for a while"
Because there's just no point making an effort with someone who's going to fly off the handle on everything you do

Wut?

How often was he seeing your kids when they were small? Of course you see your own kids more than his, what a ludicrous thing to say!!

Not your fault he decided to start a family when he was nearly 50. He wasn't around to see your kids but wants you to revolve your life around his? He's an arse.

People like posting on SM. It’s a thing! Yes of course the odd person may make an off colour comment, but one doesn’t expect that from your own brother. She shouldn’t have to stop posting on SM if she wants to because her brother is a twat or because some random
poster says there is no need!!!

You need to block or restrict the posts he sees on social media. I had a family member who would repeatedly beg for money or comment nastily on any social media posts. It got to the stage where I revived an agressive phone call after the family member saw a picture of me going out for drinks on my birthday. Apparently I wasn’t meant to spend £20 going out on my birthday.

You need to tell him minimal details about your life. I never tell my family member about anything I bought or anywhere I have been as it elicits a money conversation.

Incandescent with rage? That's not normal behaviour. I would be keeping well away from this man, brother or no brother!!

He sounds as though he may be struggling, if one of his children is being assessed. Do you think he needs support? Did he see a lot of your kids when he wasn’t away with work?

It is not normal to get so angry like he is, there's something wrong with him.

He's obviously unhappy with his own life, I'd try not to take it personally. It also sounds like you work hard for what you have.

I don't know how he went from having a job that took him all over the world to now being in a low paid role, but It sounds like he's struggling with the lifestyle change. It's unfair to take that out on you, though, bitterness an jealousy are such unattractive traits.

The comments about you seeing your children are just ridiculous. Who wouldn't prioritise seeing their own children?

Your plan of restricting SM sounds like a good one.

I think you have to have it out with him. Tell him you need to talk. Lay out some examples and let him know how you feel and what you won't accept or apologize for, ie making time for your own children , holidays, living your own life etc. Give him a chance to explain his pov and to make amends. Offer emotional support, someone to lean on, but keep boundaries. If he's not able to move forward as your trusted family then you will need to take further steps as others have suggested.

It sounds like he’s struggling and jealous. The sibling rivalry thing has raised its head. Up to you how you handle this. You could show boundaried care by telling him you hear he’s struggling and understand it’s hard having little kids and seeing your sibling doing things you want to do. That you yourself were in that very situation until recently and waited 20 years to do what you’re doing now. That you’re still working 7 days a week to be able to snatch a few hours of down time with your children and much needed holidays. And go stuck record with a one line of we waited 20 years to be in this position. Or you could ignore, low contact and mute.

With all my respect OP, your brother sounds like a very entitled bitter jealous man. Can you cut her loose and interact less with him. He is sucking away your happiness.

Yeh it's very odd that he is angry that you see your own children.

He's right your argument doesn't make sense. If you have time to see your children then you have time to see his. The point is that your children are indeed your children so obviously you choose to see them!

I'm unclear why he feels the need for you to see his children though? It's nice for families to have close relationships but they are through mutual choice.

He sounds really toxic to be around. I'd retrict social media, so he can't see everything. Stop visiting him. Send his kids a card with cash in. When he says, you never see my kids but you have time for your own. Reply, yes of course because they are my children. Yours are not. You were never around for my children either.

Shades of my ex. He was abusive both emotionally and sexually. We split when our son was 9. After we divorced he started a new relationship with a younger woman and she got pregnant. He's now 60 with a 5yo who is in a school supporting children with BESD. Our son is now 21 and his dad is constantly wanting him to babysit, go on holiday with them (but for my son to pay for himself). He simply can't handle the life he has now. My son sees his dad's family but rarely - he has his own life.

"Maybe this is why he is so angry all the time."

Don't be blaming a woman for the anger issues of a man!

I think we are more likely to feel close to our siblings dc, if we are close to our siblings. If not, then it's harder to bond. I don't think the OP sounds mean but it is difficult to care deeply about children who don't easily interact with you and whose parent behaves in such a way as to make relationships tricky.

I don't know how he went from having a job that took him all over the world to now being in a low paid role

He could have been military or merchant navy?

@Whataworld1 I suspect when you said it wasn’t pleasant seeing his kids you meant it was quite hard work. I can see people are giving you a hard time for your choice of words. I understand what you mean.

Your brother sounds very self focused to the point where the things he is saying/doing are ridiculous to other people. Being incandescent with rage because you’re going on holiday, demanding why you have time for your own kids but not his. Obviously these aren’t normal responses. Perhaps it is normal to feel a bit jealous of a sibling when they go on yet another holiday and he can’t afford one. Perhaps it would be understandable that someone might feel like their sibling didn’t make time for them or their family. Feelings are fine. We all have them. We can’t help them. Sometimes our feelings are a bit self centred but they are real and we can still acknowledge them. PRIVATELY!! It certainly isn’t acceptable behaviour to give weight to those feelings by attaching thoughts/reason to them (you shouldn’t be taking another holiday!!! You should be making time for MY children not yours!!!) and voicing that out loud to you!

You say your niece/nephew is under assessment. Is this for ASD by any chance? I wonder if your brother may exhibit some of those traits. I say this not because I’m having a go at ASD people or trying to diagnose everyone but because there may be is some heredity and that level of self focus without being able to comprehend that his responses are not something one would normally voice out loud, to me say that he perhaps hasn’t got the understanding that whilst his feelings are fine to have, outwardly blaming and criticising you for them is not acceptable.

I would try and be very direct with him. “I have the right to enjoy my leisure time with holidays or seeing or my children. I do not want you to comment on that again. If you make a comment on SM about my holidays again I will need to block you as i find these comments inappropriate and upsetting”.

Maybe set aside a date/time to see him and his children..? But only if you want to. It sounds like hard work. My DF is hard work. I have boundaries. I see him out of duty as he emotionally blackmails me (as your brother does) if I don’t. But I have my limits and don’t see him anywhere near as often as he would like. But that’s my choice. He is ASD and also thinks nothing about making comments about my holidays, what I do with my time instead of seeing him etc. As I say he can be demanding and critical. Your brother sounds similar.

Wait staff or entertainment on a cruise line 😁

Remind him he didn't see your children when they were growing up and while you are at it tell him to grow up.