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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother resentful of my lifestyle

297 replies

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 21:35

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55.

I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school.

Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his.

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at.

I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/04/2024 00:00

@Whataworld1

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays

Ok, this may be a snotty question, but does his wanting you around to 'make memories' with his children involve you paying for those 'memories' to be made?

Charlie2121 · 23/04/2024 00:11

Your brother is weird. I tend to avoid weird people.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/04/2024 00:12

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:01

I think because I don’t see his children often the thought is “oh you don’t have any spare time but you miraculously find some for your own children “

Well, yes!

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/04/2024 00:15

How did he go from a job taking him all over the world to a low paid job now? Does he expect you to fund days out with his children?

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 00:20

if he was high flying how comes he’s on low pay now and can’t do much?

block him on SM and take some space, I’d be grumpy with primary kids at 55, he’s just jealous of the freedom that you have with adult children.

lots of people are of their friends who have kids early, usually in a playful way. He’s your brother can’t you just have an honest chat.

he has a non verbal and low communication children, popping in to give a bit of socialising once in a while might be nice as many parents on here post about how lonely and isolating it can be.

you don’t need to talk do colouring, or jigsaws or word searches etc. usually shy kids will enjoy, low chat low eye contact games like these ?

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 00:23

I’ve just seen he’s throwing things. Yuck nvm.

crockofshite · 23/04/2024 00:27

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 00:23

I’ve just seen he’s throwing things. Yuck nvm.

No, I think it's the child throwing presents across the room.

Codlingmoths · 23/04/2024 00:28

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 00:20

if he was high flying how comes he’s on low pay now and can’t do much?

block him on SM and take some space, I’d be grumpy with primary kids at 55, he’s just jealous of the freedom that you have with adult children.

lots of people are of their friends who have kids early, usually in a playful way. He’s your brother can’t you just have an honest chat.

he has a non verbal and low communication children, popping in to give a bit of socialising once in a while might be nice as many parents on here post about how lonely and isolating it can be.

you don’t need to talk do colouring, or jigsaws or word searches etc. usually shy kids will enjoy, low chat low eye contact games like these ?

This man is ‘incandescent with rage that the op is going on holiday with her adult daughter’. The op can’t talk to him. He needs therapy to cope with how angry he is that his carefree younger life where he didn’t give a shit about his sister and her young children, then failed to magically turn into a carefree well off older life, and he has children with special needs and not a great job.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/04/2024 00:32

Tell him "Your children are your priority, my children are my priority. And while we're on the subject, when was the last time you saw my children, YOUR nieces and nephews? Or is it only a one way street with attention always going in your direction?"

FuckTheClubUp · 23/04/2024 00:32

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/04/2024 22:11

I’m sorry, you say that it’s ‘not pleasant’ to see your own niece/nephews because they are shy and have a condition? How does that not make you deeply unpleasant. Oh and YANBU about your brother by the way, he is also unpleasant. Just block him/ignore the comments. But still - poor kids to have you begrudge spending time because of their shyness/condition. Better for you not to bother.

Yep, couldn’t have wrote it better myself

FuckTheClubUp · 23/04/2024 00:33

JudgeJ · 22/04/2024 22:28

And you would like children who throw your gifts across the room?
Where's their mother in all of this drama?

Show quote history

Why does it matter where the mother is? The dad is the OP’s brother, not the mother of the children. I can’t see how she has anything to do with the brother and his issues

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 00:39

Codlingmoths · 23/04/2024 00:28

This man is ‘incandescent with rage that the op is going on holiday with her adult daughter’. The op can’t talk to him. He needs therapy to cope with how angry he is that his carefree younger life where he didn’t give a shit about his sister and her young children, then failed to magically turn into a carefree well off older life, and he has children with special needs and not a great job.

Show quote history

I’ve just seen that and rescinded!

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 00:44

sounds like hes jealous alright... he was probably the high flyer, loved lording it over you, his fancy holidays etc and now the tables have turned and he's not having so much fun.

my SIL was exaclty the same.. we had little money, rented house, best we could afford for a holiday was a week in a caravan.. not that there is anything wrong with a week in a caravan. Then we had a little windfall, not enough to retire, but enough to buy a new car, clear our debts, give money to the kids and we now have about 3 holidays a year.

SIL was so angry she actually started a hate campaigne against hubby.. she did everything to try make me leave him. if we posted where we were on holiday she would post that she had been there, didnt like it much etc and its got to the point where there is no relationship anymore.

BUT... your comments about his children are not very nice now are they?

Fluffywigg · 23/04/2024 00:46

Go NC OP. Who needs enemies when you have family like that!

ironorchids · 23/04/2024 00:49

Block him on social media.

AppleDumplings · 23/04/2024 01:28

I feel your pain. Very similar situation here. After a particularly unpleasant falling out a few years ago I point blank refused to apologise. My parents were furious. Told me to be the bigger person etc. Absolutely refused to do so as I was in no way at fault. He was very simply jealous of my life. Eventually my parents realised the truth and backed off. It took nearly 2 years for him to approach me. It's never been quite the same since but at least we can be friendly and chat comfortably again. Blocking him and any mutual people on our friend lists from seeing any social media posts has DEFINITELY helped. I love him, he's my brother, but truth be told he has been a bit of a dick to me over the years. I would suggest reducing contact to minimum required and blocking on social media. Good luck

BoxOfCats · 23/04/2024 01:40

Ask him how much time he spends with your kids.

And just block him on social media so you don't have to give him headspace. If he asks why, tell him!

FangsForTheMemory · 23/04/2024 02:50

Is he hoping to get free childcare out of you?

I would be very low contact with someone who behaved like this.

anon4net · 23/04/2024 03:23

@Whataworld1 he's clearly struggling. I wonder if it's worry/anxiety/fear about his child who you mention can't speak? Sometimes in the depths of grief or unmet expectations, people look to put their blame elsewhere.

Make it that he can't see your posts. Maybe try to book a time to see them, even if it's a few weeks away. Don't feel guilty for living your life and seeing your own children.

Brumhilda · 23/04/2024 04:02

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 21:54

I don’t see a lot of his kids, because of my working hours. I work 7 days a week normally, in a self employed job. I think his point is “oh you can’t find time to see my kids but you seem to find time to see your own”.

His children are quite hard to socialise with anyway. They don’t speak. One is shy and one has a condition (being assessed), so it’s not pleasant anyway.

He’s an arsehole.

your kids are your kids, and his are his and none of your business and his responsibility and nothing to do with you.

i cut off my sister about 21 years ago for similar crap which I didn’t think would improve and have never regretted it.

penjil · 23/04/2024 04:17

You need to tell him WHY you don't see his kids.

Be honest.

Cool the relationship with your brother a bit. It sounds too intense.

MariaVT65 · 23/04/2024 04:29

If you’re on fb, i would recommend restricting him from seeing any of your posts tbh. You can restrict certain people from seeing what you post, without removing them as a friend.

Sometimes this stuff just needs to be done. I had my mum on find my friends and as soon as she made a dick comment to me after seeing my location, I removed her.

It sounds like he is just jealous and resentful but in a really extreme way and I would try and distance yourself from him. I have 2 young kids and my child-free brother has a much easier life than I do currently. No way would it occur to me to be jealous of him.

Aussieland · 23/04/2024 04:39

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:01

I think because I don’t see his children often the thought is “oh you don’t have any spare time but you miraculously find some for your own children “

Well yes if you don’t have much free time of course you will see your own kids. How strange!

LauderSyme · 23/04/2024 04:43

He may not have been a high flyer. He may have been a crewman in the merchant navy or a soldier posted overseas.

PPs have said everything else I would have written. I agree that you need to tell DB his mindset and behaviour are wrong headed and inappropriate, and that he is upsetting you.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 23/04/2024 05:24

Whataworld1 · 22/04/2024 22:01

I think because I don’t see his children often the thought is “oh you don’t have any spare time but you miraculously find some for your own children “

Yeah I think I’d be telling him to piss off of my brother said that to me with “Bill, of course with my little free time I am going to prioritise MY CHILDREN “ this is so odd

And yes Bill I am using my hard earned money to take my children away…. What’s your problem?!?

He’s a dickhead and you need to tell him that he is being unreasonable

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