Brother resentful of my lifestyle

[Whataworld1]

My brother is (I think) a bit jealous of me. We are only a year apart in age. I am 54 and he is 55.

I had my children quite young and they are now adults, they have left home and are self sufficient. He, on the other hand, had children very late and his children are still in primary school.

Before starting a family he had a job which took him all over the world for 20 years and we rarely saw him. Now he’s home he often makes comments about wanting to make memories and he gets annoyed if I have a day off and choose to spend it visiting my children instead of his.

He is in a low paid job and can’t afford extras or holidays. DH and me have more disposable income, now that we’re not supporting kids anymore and we have nice holidays which are sneared at.

I am so upset that at this time of life, when I’ve finally got some money and can do nice things, that he is stalking my social media and making sarcastic comments about my holidays.

Do you wonder if perhaps, your DB might not have a condition that affects his ability to see reason/socialise normally? It seems odd that he can’t see that it’s normal for you to choose to see your own kids.

I think his point is “oh you can’t find time to see my kids but you seem to find time to see your own”

uuuhhmm, well, yes. That’s exactly how it should work. I think I’d be dumbstruck if someone said that to me. Obviously my own children would be a priority over other people’s children. That’s common sense.

He's jealous, which is not your problem.

I second an earlier question up-thread - did he make an effort to see your kids when they were younger?

Your comment about not finding it pleasant to visit his kids wasn't nice, but I'm wondering if that's more of a reflection on your relationship with your brother and the fact they are his kids.

Do you post a lot on social media about holidays etc? He does sound like he's very jealous but if you share your holidays and highlight reels etc publicly you are going to make people jealous who don't have the money or are having a shitty time or whatever.

I don't post holidays myself, or days out with my family, as I feel like they are private things I don't need everyone to know about. I do like social media for marketing my business in a way that doesn't feel to pushy, sharing books recipes movies etc but I don't do the whole look at my family day out thing because I don't think it adds much to anyone's life apart from my own!

I'm not saying you do that, but if you are posting a lot about your days out then you could consider blocking him as you know it winds him up, which makes your life difficult when he posts nasty comments. restrict his access to your life a bit and he will have less to go on.

Tell him to grow up

Why is this relevant? Because misbehaviour on the part of the kids is the mother's fault not the father's? A poor father on his own can't be expected to control his children?

OP is just being honest on an anonymous forum. I'm sure she grins and bears it in real life. I've never enjoyed being around kids who weren't my own, even less if they're difficult kids. And honestly, kids who are shy or have a condition can be difficult, anyone who disagrees is kidding themselves.

You sound like you don't like the kids at all.

So what if she doesn't? She's not compelled to give them the spare time she saves for her own kids.

He is not normal and sounds unhinged - I’d let him know he’s out of order and avoid seeing or speaking to him.

You're brother needs to recognise you'd obviously prioritise your kids. And you should.
However this comment is not really okay - if you love your family and nieces and nephews it's not about how much fun they are for you. You sound pretty harsh about their shyness and condition.
Maybe your brother is picking up on your attitude to his kids and is sensitive to it?
If it was me I would prioritise the niece/nephew(s) - not because of the brother but to value them in their own right.

And that is totally normal!!!
I love my nieces and nephews but is the choice is seeing them, or seeing my children (in my limited time off) I'll choose my children every time!
His thinking is bizarre!!

It does, doesn’t it?
Maybe this is why he is so angry all the time.

I think maybe stop boasting on Facebook about holidays/days out - thus removing opportunities for sarcastic comments from your brother.

Simple

This, his response does sound very childish - It's not fair!

He is older (I know not by much). I wonder if he is stuck in a childish way of thinking. He is the oldest so he should have the 'easy/fun' life first.

He didnt see your early married/children years. Those years when you will have had to live to a strict budget and not had so much 'fun money'. What he is seeing is that you are having fun now, he isnt, hence the childish rage.

However, while his behaviour may be understandable, it is not acceptable. You are both reaping what you sowed.

I'm currently supporting 2 people through illness and mental health crisis, one friend, one colleague. I'm doing that willingly and I'm happy to. But I would not in my 50's want to spend time with children with additional needs. No energy, no patience. I realise others have no choice, but I do.

It sounds like OP rightly prioritises her own kids in the spare time she does have. If she doesn't particularly want to be around her brothers kids, she doesn't have to be. It certainly feels a mix of jealously on his part and a desire for OP to share his burden.

This is incredibly like the situation my parents and one of my aunts was in. My parents went to work at 17, married at 21, had me and my siblings by the time they were 26, worked steadily, did every CPD available to them and moved into more senior positions got a mortgage, paid it off and retired early (55) and then started travelling... going abroad for the first time in their lives. (They live in Oz so not like in the UK where you can zip to France for example).

My aunt left school, backpacked for 15 or so years taking on peripatetic jobs and then came back to Australia and did her teaching degree and started working as a NQT at a much later age. But she used to spit with rage (in fact it was the subject of a huge family argument one christmas that was then the last time we ever did a family christmas) about how 'lucky' my parents were and how they were in more senior positions, they had a house they had paid off etc. My father just said 'We made a different path in life. you chose yours, we chose ours'.

OP- you are not ever going to be able to 'fix' whatever envy your brother has. You can't control or fix how he feels about his own life and the choices he has made. You can't mitigate it by living your life according to his prejudices and sensitivities. If he chooses to be jealous, and raging because you are going about your life that is his problem.

I would just block him from social media. And I would not give him another real thought tbh. His behaviour is his responsibility, not yours.

And I am happy for you that you have a great lifestyle. Enjoy it!

Stop posting on SM. I manage to have holidays without telling everyone about them. Is there some part of you that enjoys winding him up?

Of course you are going to use your spare time to prioritise your own kids (regardless of their age) over your niece/nephews

It is just bizarre that he even thinks that

When he was gallivanting around the world pre kids did he use his spare time back home to spend it with your kids? Doubt it. He is a CF

Why should she have to? While not everyone uses SM (I don’t) OP does and she is not boasting she is using SM like millions do, to share what she is up to

If her “D”B doesn’t like it then he can unfollow her. OP shouldn’t have to change her behaviour to stop his tantrums

Def take a step back OP, the entitlement of your brother is astonishing.

Sounds like he regrets having kids and he's taken it out on you. He had 20 years living it up whilst you were bringing up kids. Now nits your time to have free time he wants his back.

Another ridiculous man.

Your brother is jealous of you working seven days a week?

Personally I wouldn’t hide my social media posts from him because if he’s already ‘incandescent with rage’ imagine his reaction if he finds out? I’d just stop responding to his messages and calls. A bit childish but why should you have to deal with that?!

I’d tell him to take a running jump. If it carries on I’d go no contact. He’s a very selfish man. Have you been able to have a frank conversation with him? Does he not have family on his wife’s side that he sees?
he’s a bully - to treat you like that - do you have a partner that can be around when he visits?

Of course you’d see your kids over his kids if you have very little free time. Why would he think you’d prioritise your nieces/nephews over your own children?? How odd.