To not go on holiday with stepchild?

[Ponnnder8]

My parents are taking mine and DHs child away this year on quite a big special holiday.

DH is now asking that whilst they are away, we take my stepchild away by ourselves, DHs son. I have said no.

I don't want to go away without my child and would rather wait until our DC is back and all go together. I have never asked DH to go away without DSS so I don't think I should be asked to go away without ours.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable not to spoil DSS this time because our child is getting a special holiday. But I just do not want to go unless our child goes too.

That's what I was thinking @WaitingforCheese.

OH has taken oldest DS off on walking holidays since he was a teenager and as an adult. Stuff like walking up Snowdon. He loves his time with his dad. I don't want to go and frankly they don't want me there.

Thinking about it though younger DS didn't/doesn't want to go on that type of holiday either or to have his own father-son holiday to make up for it. They seemed happy with family holidays. Often they still join us on holidays bringing GFs.

OP if the holiday would mean not going with your ds later, then I understand you.
But your argument of "I wouldn't find it fun" seems a bit weak / inappropriate? In a couple one constantly has to support the other by doing things that are boring to ourselves. It clearly is bothering your DH so presuming you won't miss out on a holiday with your child, why not support him here? I am sure he would be grateful.

Is there not a happy medium though between going on a full-blown family holiday without your DC and entirely expecting DSS to suck it up/ not making any fuss at all? DH and I each occasionally take one child away without the other (for a special trip/ night away) and the one at home with the other parent is usually slightly treated to make up for it. Eg when I last took DS1 away for a night somewhere DS2 and DH played games DS2 likes, then got takeaway pizza and had a film night, and he was allowed to stay up a bit later than usual. So not an equivalent but at least an acknowledgement that they're not getting 'the big treat' whatever it is, and the parent at home making an effort to make them feel special too and soften the blow a bit.

For your DSS maybe you could take a day off that week to do a day trip he'd enjoy and your little one wouldn't (theme park? Show in London?) and perhaps have a couple of other more minor treats sprinkled through the week (cinema with Dad? a takeaway he fancies one night?) just to acknowledge that his half-sibling is getting a BIG treat that he isn't and that must feel hard when you're 12, even if it's entirely appropriate and just one of those things that has to be dealt with. Would definitely say it was down to your DH to do the bulk of organising and facilitating this, but I think if you can afford the annual leave it would be nice to do something with them at least one day.

If you know you're not unreasonable then case closed. As you were. If your confident in your choice not sure why you're asking. And im not saying you're wrong, if you know your gut is telling you you're not wrong then go with it.

Its not excluding your child if you go away when the child is already on holiday with grandparents.

And would you be saying the same thing if and when dss goes on holiday with his mum/maternal family? They could have a lovely holiday with just their shared child and not dss. I mean after all, he will already be in holiday won’t he so won’t be missing out on anything with his dad.

Why doesn’t he have some lovely 121 time with his child? Seems perfect.

I wouldn’t want to go on holiday without my children, but with a child or children who weren’t mine either.

I would also be looking forward to some child free time!

The age gap is so big that you’d think there wouldn’t be much comparing one with the other anyway (please note this is the same gap as between my ds and his younger brother who isn’t my child, so not speaking from ignorance)

Why can’t your DH take his 12 yo away alone? It’s hardly work when they’re that age!

I agree with you OP. your partner should take his DS away by himself. The fact that he doesn't want to suggests that he wants you to do all the actual parenting and him put his feet up.

Or perhaps that he loves her and wants to spend time with her?

Nope. I'd be enjoying my child free week, frankly.

DH is very welcome to take the lad away himself. I'd be drinking gin and relaxing whilst DS was away with granny and grandad.

yes, what's the problem with doing exactly this??

The only way this could be considered unfair IMO is if they chose to do a holiday that DSS would have loved but weren't given the opportunity to go on, but in reality a couple with a 5 year on a normal family holiday aren't really going to be doing things that a 12 year old would feel they were missing out on, unless it was something like disney.

facts are a 12 year old going on holiday all together is more likely going to have to always do things that the 5 year old wants to do rather then the other way around, just because of their ages, so this is the perfect opportunity to do something fun together just the three of them without having to always prioritise the 5 year old's activities, it's probably the only opportunity they will ever get to do it while the little one is so busy at Disney, so I think op should be more open to it personally, not dismiss the idea altogether.

*Nope. I'd be enjoying my child free week, frankly.

DH is very welcome to take the lad away himself.*

Agree. I would be enjoying my childfree week too. Heck, I would probably go on my own holiday then.

Not sure why her DH doesn’t want to take his son on holiday alone. My dad talks fondly about how much he enjoyed and treasured spending time with his dad alone (he had 5 brothers and 5 sisters) and the things he learned from him during those times.

YANBU OP, as you've said you're happy for your DH to take his son away somewhere for treat. Why doesn't he take him for a night at the Alton Towers Hotel or somewhere like that? And it's much more suitable for 2 than for 3 for room sharing, on rides, etc.

This is life in blended families. And as the parent who has DC’s by different people, it’s DH who signed up for this.

I’m you, OP. Perfect solution is he goes away with DSS for some quality time.

I wouldn’t be using holidays from work without my DC.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Your parents are taking your DC on an amazing holiday but DH is feeling guilty that his son won’t get to have the same holiday but that’s the thing with blended families.
Your DSC may well have holidays with his family that your joint child won’t get.
I think it’s reasonable to suggest either you wait and all go away together or DH takes him away and spoils him.
my DSC never came on holiday with us as there is a big age gap so by the time we could afford to take our own DC on holiday DSC was in his late teens. He never missed out as had many holidays abroad with his Mum and her family

If someone took my DC on holiday (I wish!), I'd be looking forward to some child-free time. There's no way I'd be planning a holiday with... another child.

When I eat out without my children, I don't go to McDonalds or Pizza Hut.

I think, at 12, dad is old enough to understand his step sibling is going away with grandparents. I'm sure he'd love to be able to go but I expect DH is making more of this than dss. Hopefully one day you may be able to afford to all go too but for now tell him you'll be going on holiday together soon. Maybe treat him to a nice day out but nothing else is needed.

Your dh is mad thinking that you would actually want to spoil your dss over your own child. Why would you take another child on holiday if yours isn't there? Lovely of your parents to do that for their dgc but you don't need to feel guilty or make it up to anyone. Your dh should go away with your dss if he's that bothered.

Does your DH just want you to go on holiday with them to do all the boring cooking/cleaning/packing etc? Would be be fine alone sole parenting?

I think this too. No, you need not go on holiday etc. What about a mini break. Alton towers or the like? Do the same with your dc at the same age.

I feel a bit sorry for DH and DSS. You're a family unit, you both agreed to love and support each other and, for me, step children are a part of that deal. Even if you don't agree, it clearly matters to your DH and I think it would be nice to support that. Maybe stop saying DSS and just say SS- I don't think they're very darling to you at all.

you’re not in the wrong id either say go on your own with your son or we can have a date night weekend or what ever it may be. I hate this!! Your joint child and you are being penalised for just existing it’s normal life. I wouldn’t dream of having my step child on a normal weekend if my child wasn’t here. I mean I usually organise my child free nights where we don’t have my step son and that’s ok but no have some you time!!

Instead of a big holiday why don’t you do a weekend trip to somewhere that the younger ones wouldn’t enjoy/can’t take part in? London to see a show/favourite football club city to tour round stadium/weekend of adventure stuff eg biking, high ropes courses etc/surfing in Devon etc etc
I get your point and yes whilst in blended families everything isn’t the same
if I would your husband I would be pretty hurt at your saying that you wouldn’t enjoy a holiday with him if your son wasn’t there. There needs to be a half way house.

To be fair . I think I'd really hate a child friendly holiday without my child. It's likely op will really really miss her 5 year old and going off to child friendly places without them would just make me miss them more.
The obvious solution is that dad take him off and spoils him for a long weekend .