To not go on holiday with stepchild?

[Ponnnder8]

My parents are taking mine and DHs child away this year on quite a big special holiday.

DH is now asking that whilst they are away, we take my stepchild away by ourselves, DHs son. I have said no.

I don't want to go away without my child and would rather wait until our DC is back and all go together. I have never asked DH to go away without DSS so I don't think I should be asked to go away without ours.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable not to spoil DSS this time because our child is getting a special holiday. But I just do not want to go unless our child goes too.

Would your DH agree to you both taking your child away whenever his other child has a holiday with the mothers side of the family? What has happened previously?

I always feel sorry for "second" family children on here. It's like they can never have anything nice or just for them.

Op - the people who are saying it's ridiculous have misread your op, because it's slightly ambiguous.

They think you mean - joint child PLUS one step child is going and one step child not.

Not just joint child.

I can also empathise with a 5 year old finding out you all went on hols without them in their absence (even after a trip to Disney, they can be pretty brutal 😂) I would defo plan something nice for the four of you together then later on in the year, something nice for DSS to look forward to.

YANBU.

It's actually nothing to do with DSS. Your child's grandparents are treating them to a holiday, DSS's grandparents could also do the same.

It would be an absolute non starter for me, I wouldn't agree to a holiday without my child to "even things up". If your partner wants to do something he can take his son away and no you absolutely shouldn't be forced to partake in petty poker scoring games. Ugh.

What about DH takes him away and they get some good one on one time? That feels like a good compromise to me between your position and his.

It might be how it is with blended families but it’s still going to be hard for a 12 year old with an excited younger sibling talking lots about their fab USA trip.

We have a blended family and it’s my oldest that gets to do more as she holidays with her dad and his new family sometimes (and sometimes not and that’s ok too)

We have on occasion done a smaller trip with our youngest whilst she’s away - something that the eldest wouldn’t enjoy so she wouldn’t feel she’s missing out.

If it was me I’d have a few days away doing something more grown up with your DSS. (Assuming you can still do a family holiday all together as well)

Sounds like DH wants you to do the parenting work for his son - otherwise why would he not grab the opportunity to have 1:1 time with DSS? Is he worried he won't be able to manage by himself?
The other thing that occurred to me is that it would be a great time for you and DH to have an adults mini-break without any kids, and then take both the boys on holiday together later. But I'm with you OP, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone else's kid and not my own.

Depends on the holiday your DH is suggesting. If it's a couple of days in the UK then maybe I would say yes, if you don't want to use up annual leave DH could go without you.
I think it would be a nice thing to spoil DSS a little while the other child is on such a special trip. But I wouldn't agree to a 'proper' holiday either without both children.
We've had all this too - except it was the older SC who got to go on expensive holidays with their Mum, we didn't immediately take DD away so she wouldn't miss out but we did take the opportunity to do things with her that the older kids probably wouldn't have enjoyed so much or that we couldn't afford to do with 3 children in tow.
So I think YABU to say a flat no. But it really depends on what's being suggested here..

This is all guilt and Disney Dad behaviour.

Does his son even know about the trip your 5yo is taking?

He can take his son to a theme park for a day if he feels the need to make a fuss, but a holiday is OTT.

You aren't stopping DH from having a holiday with his son so I dont see his issue - unless he doesnt want to do all the parenting

If l was child free no way would l want to go in holiday with someone else's child!
Sorry sounds brutal but true.

At first I felt like yanbu but as I thought about it more, I think maybe neither of you is really being unreasonable. You just have different perspectives.

i have similar perspective to your DH (I have a 12 yo ds with ex and a 3 yo dd with dp). I’d be (maybe irrationally) sad for DS if his little sister got invited on an amazing holiday by DPs parents. Ds does have a relationship with them as we go to see them as a family so it would feel a bit odd even though it would also be odd if they invited him and I’d 100% not expect him to be invited. It’s not quite the same as your SS being taken on holiday by his maternal gps or his mum imo as your DC has no relationship with them. It’s not about fairness of totally holidays taken by each, it’s the feeling of exclusion even if it is a reasonable exclusion to have.

I think maybe your DH is feeling sad for his ds and wanting your help to ensure he still feels valued and a part of your joint family. I do get not really wanting to go on holiday without your dc but it might go a long way towards helping all of your relationships. Even if you opted out of sone aspects of the holiday and have a relaxed time sending DSS and DH off for sone quality time.

I'd plan a great day out for the three of you. Maybe to a theme park that wouldn't be possible with your younger child. But it doesn't make sense for you to feel you have to do a holiday with him because the sibling is getting a holiday with GP. Does your DH think you should be taking your shared child away every time step son is on holiday with his mum?

What about your step child?

This.

I don't think it's fair one child gets a holiday and the other doesn't. If you don't want to go let your DH take his child.

In that case I would happily go away just the 3 of you, although personally if i was your dh I would want to spend 1 on 1 time bonding with my child. The age gap is a big one in terms of age appropriate things you can do, and it can't be fun for a 12yo being restricted by a 5yo on their holidays. Your dh will end up being resented by his son if he doesn't make more effort.

Is it also not fair when DSS goes away with his mum/her side of the family?

I have never said DH can't go. I just don't want to join them without my child. Which I'd never expect him to do in reverse.

Does your DSS himself actually mind...? I'm sure there are some 12 year old boys who would love a trip to Disney, but there are lots who wouldn't care. If he does actually feel left out that's one thing, but don't let your DH work him up about it if he's not actually that bothered!

So DH feels a bit bad, but just not quite bad enough to do the parenting admin and hands on on his own. Has he ever spent much quality time one-on-one away with his DS growing up?

Sounds like he wants you there as a safe pair of hands, and maybe the thought of extended time on his own with his Ds too daunting.

I imagine the lad is at the age to appreciate solo lad time.

I am not sure if he's upset or not, he hasn't said anything so far as I'm aware, but I imagine he would like that kind of holiday yes.

Honestly your Dh is being unreasonable here . He doesn't want to holiday with just his child either and is trying to guilt you into joining them.
He should take a long weekend in a theme park with his son instead as a boys weekend .

If would enjoy the break and if l was in a financial position to go in holiday, l would go on an adult one where no kids would be around!

This.

There is nothing stopping your DH from taking his son on a holiday just the two of them. DSS is 12, perfect age for going on holidays and doing things that they both likely enjoy. You are going with your child and parents and he could do a trip with him and his son. That is equitable.

That's a pity. Is there a huge disparity overall in terms of how much travelling/the kind of holidays they get, though? You said DSS does go away with his mum, whereas you and DH never go on holiday with just DS. Why does DH feel it's so unfair for DS to get a holiday that DSS isn't involved in if DSS himself also gets holidays that DS isn't included in? Surely it evens out?

You are going with your child and parents and he could do a trip with him and his son. That is equitable

Sorry just to clarify I am not going with my parents. They are taking our child by themselves and I am staying at home. Which is when DH wants me, him and DSS to go away.