To not go on holiday with stepchild?

[Ponnnder8]

My parents are taking mine and DHs child away this year on quite a big special holiday.

DH is now asking that whilst they are away, we take my stepchild away by ourselves, DHs son. I have said no.

I don't want to go away without my child and would rather wait until our DC is back and all go together. I have never asked DH to go away without DSS so I don't think I should be asked to go away without ours.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable not to spoil DSS this time because our child is getting a special holiday. But I just do not want to go unless our child goes too.

You're not excluding if it's at the same time. I think knowing the ages would bring perspective. Do they both live with you full time?

Well yes it’s absolute shit for his son who’s not going - of course you can see that as well and as a family unit that you are - I guess your husband just wants to do something with you and him as well to soften the blow. You can not go if you just don’t want to of course but I see his view and I can empathise with him.

I think then that you can wait until the little one gets back and all go together somewhere nice. If you can only go on one holiday during this time period.

I think it would be really nice for his dad to take him on his own. I don't know why he wouldn't want that.

Surely it's only as shit as if it were the other way around though? Which may well happen at some point.

Imo this is just part of blended families. The children don't get exactly the same experiences all of the time because they don't share all of the same family.

I wouldn't expect DH to come away with me and our child when DSS went away with his mum because it was unfair. So I don't see why I am unreasonable in his eyes for not wanting to do the same.

Honestly the best answer is DH takes DSS away just the two of them and you get some time to yourself. You say DH wants you there I would argue back at 12 he probably would prefer just him and dad perfect time as a almost teen to go away with dad and then you take a few days off and chill out !!!

If his dad is so bothered he should take him somewhere - just the two of them.

I cannot understand what the issue is here, and making it one will cause resentment between the siblings. They have different mums and different sets of maternal grandparents. Not everything will be the same and constantly trying to apply 'what is fair' is illogical and always destined to fail.

If you were all going to Disney and dss wasn't then there would be a point. But as it stands YANBU.

He’s ridiculous.

This is exactly my point. It's just not possible to be fair all of the time because they are always going to have varying opportunities with differing families. It just is what it is.

I think if he were going to be totally honest, he's upset that DSS hasn't been invited. But I don't think that's reasonable, and I imagine neither does he really which is why he hasn't outright said it. Which is where all this about us needing to spoil DSS has come from.

So he feels bad that one of his sons is going to Disney and the other one isnt..

Well that's life in blended families. I don't know how close you are to dss mother but I personally wouldn't be at all comfortable for my child to go abroad with their half siblings gps. In fact, I wouldn't agree to it.

He is entirely unreasonable and bordering on absurd to feel your parents should be talking dss too. I can only see in cases where the step child lives with you full time or/and no contact with other parent and side of that family where leaving the child out would be wrong.

But in the same way it would then be hard for OP's child to hear they were then excluded from a family holiday as well. It wouldn't be fair on OP's child. It's fairer on the SS as he also holidays with his mum's side of the family by himself.

Be honest with yourself, if it was your child left at home while the step child went on a once in a lifetime’s holiday- what would you do?
Do nothing and carry on as normal?
Have a couple of treat days out and spoil him a bit?

Come on, you’d do something!

YANBU

As you say he's going with your parents, who probably don't have the same relationship with DSS. Therefore can't be helped.

It sounds like DH feels guilty his son isn't going so is trying to compensate. But it DSS went with mums family he probably wouldn't do the same with DC.

I would just say no, you aren't holidaying without DC and explain that it's the same when DSS goes with mums family etc, he can take him if he wants but you won't be going.

She’s not stopping him doing anything he likes with his son. He just doesn’t want to do it without her. How sad for his son.

Your idea is the one that makes sense. Book a family holiday for all 4 of you when your Dc is back.
If your dh wants to spoil ds then he should. He could take him away for a weekend, maybe a theme park if he would enjoy that or whatever else would be fun for ds.

He needs to step up and take his son away if he's so bothered.

Why does he need you there, is it to make it more fun or he'll be bored with just his son for company.

He should welcoming this time spent with his older child.

Don't let him guilt trip you in to anything.

I agree. It is really sad for the son.

I might be wrong but I am getting the impression the op doesn’t really like the SS?

I think it’s unpleasant not to compromise and do one big treat day as a three. And then dad/son to go off and do something else together. Camping or hotel stay or something!

Poor DSS.

I don't dislike him at all. And I don't have a problem going out for a day. I just don't want to holiday with him and not my child which is what I'm being asked to do.

I would defo do something special with DSS, sounds like a perfect opportunity! You DC is already having a lovely time with your parents on a holiday of a lifetime, why not treat your DSS. If your DSS was on a holiday of a lifetime with his mum, would you not want to do something special with your DC? I feel so sorry for Step kids on this forum 😢

I might take my child away but I wouldn't expect my husband to come no.

I suppose because she is the child’s step mum?

Ah okay fair enough. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

As a former step child it’s just the way in blended families, my dad took me on holidays my step brothers missed out on, just like their mum took them on holidays I missed.

It’s only unfair if the family unit excludes kids, ie if you took your son with your DH and not his child. When it comes to the wider families it’s luck of the draw, just like some kids in their classes might go Disney and they won’t. Different families have different experiences and that’s life.

I don’t see the problem to be honest, if your child is going on holiday with grandparents to be spoiled rotten, why can’t you and DH take you DSS away? It would give you some one on one time that I assume they haven’t had for quite a long time if your joint child is 5, they are also quite a bit older so would get to enjoy more activities too that they are probably more limited on normally.

you refusing on the grounds that you wouldn’t enjoy it to be honest sounds quite selfish to me, and unfair on your DH and DSS, what did you do before you had your 5 year old?

if DSS step son went to Disney with his mum are you honestly saying that you & DH wouldn’t take your joint child away at the same time on principle because ‘it’s not fair’, I can’t see the problem if it was that way round either, it’s a good opportunity for some one on one time, if you normally all holiday together, one time every few years wouldn’t make any difference whatsoever.

the only way it would be unfair is if you used the opportunity of one of them already going away to have a big ticket holiday that the the other would prefer to the holiday they are going on.. but that’s not the case here.

Your DH can't give his son a Disney trip, but he can give him his time.

Why doesn't he arrange some father-son bonding activities and really focus on his eldest?

It must be difficult for your DSS to see his dad living full time with his other child but not him, now your DH can give some one-on-one time with his eldest son; he should be grabbing that opportunity and making the most of it.

Soon DSS will be in the grumpy teen phase where he won't want to holiday with you 😂