To not go on holiday with stepchild?

[Ponnnder8]

My parents are taking mine and DHs child away this year on quite a big special holiday.

DH is now asking that whilst they are away, we take my stepchild away by ourselves, DHs son. I have said no.

I don't want to go away without my child and would rather wait until our DC is back and all go together. I have never asked DH to go away without DSS so I don't think I should be asked to go away without ours.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable not to spoil DSS this time because our child is getting a special holiday. But I just do not want to go unless our child goes too.

This is exactly my point.

We wouldn't not take DSS on holiday just because he went with his mum that year so I don't see why we should not take our joint child on holiday just because he's also going with my parents.

I appreciate this holiday with my parents is a bit different in the sense that it's quite a special one and no, DSS hasn't been on the equivalent with his mum although he does go abroad with her, and us, every year.

I think that is DHs point. It's such a big holiday and outside the norm of the type of holiday we usually do that we should make a fuss of DSS too at the same time. I think this just how it is sometimes when the children have differently families and I don't feel right not taking my DC on holiday with us just to make up for the fact their grandparents have treated them. And I wouldn't expect DH to do that if it were DSS's grandparents taking him.

Ah. Sorry, missed that bit when reading your replies. You still aren’t being unreasonable. He could still take his son away and you can have some time to yourself.

Why would you need to go with them?

Does your DH have form for not wanting to spend 1:1 time with DSS? It seems a great opportunity for the two of them to do something age-appropriate.

Note ..step-mum.

The older child might welcome one to one time with just his Father,not his step mum being super glued to them both.

Yanbu. He chose to have 2 children with 2 different women, and he knew that would bring different separate opportunities for both children because they will have two different families. He can’t now punish his youngest to make HIMSELF feel better!

Will he not feel an ounce of guilt if he takes one of his children away and not the other? Because that’s literally what he will be doing. He’s father to both so he should take both.

And just because your shared dc is having a holiday with their maternal grandparents, why does that even need making up for? Dss will have his own mum and maternal family to do these things with. If his maternal grandparents aren’t alive or in good health etc then that’s just one of those things. It doesn’t mean your dc’s life should be toned down or be apologised for.

My older brother (same dads) went to Disney when he was 15 with his mum and her family.

My dad and my mum took us to haven in wales
I don't remember feeling jealous or even gave it a second thought, I do remember watching the tv because 9/11 happened and worried would he be able to get a flight home.
I was 8 years old
This shit happens.

The point is that your DH should treat his children equally. So yes if DSS gets lots of holidays with his mum then that should be addressed for your child.

But if your child is getting a holiday I think it's only fair your stepson gets one. You don't have to join in.

Surely there's a weekend trip your dh could take your dss on. My sons 11 and if we had a 5 year old he'd love to go do something with his dad like alton towers which normally you'd have to spend time doing age appropriate things for both but without the 5 year old they could spend just doing all the bigger rides. Then you get a weekend of peace.

Edited to add, I think your dss would also enjoy the opportunity to do soemthing alone with his dad without his little step sister and step mum there.

Exactly. Double standards!!

I have actually suggested he go with DSS by himself but he doesn't want to. He wants us to make a fuss of him.

Well that's convenient for him, that he doesn't have to do 100% of the fuss-making. But he 100% should. It's not an opportunity for you to abscond with DH and his DS. It's an opportunity for him to take his DS away for a special holiday. He only wants you to go to make things easier for him, or to create a unit without your joint DS, which I can see would feel weird and wrong for you. You're absolutely right not to go and he needs to take DS away himself and not be a baby, making you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong here.

I'm not stopping him having one. I've suggested DH go alone or we all go when our child gets back and go all 4 of us.

The point of the thread is he feels I'm unreasonable for not wanting to go myself with just stepson and DH.

No I don't think yabu in that respect. I would have thought many men would jump at the chance of a 'boys holiday' and some quality time.

We're a blended family and I love time alone with DD.

But if your child is getting a holiday I think it's only fair your stepson gets one. You don't have to join in.

I would agree with you if OP’s child was going away with his father, but he’s not. He’s going away with his maternal grandparents. So in that case dss isn’t owed a holiday by his father. There is nothing to be made up for.

If dss goes away with his maternal family, I assume you will then say OP’s child is owed a holiday on his own with his father without dss? Hmm?

I think it’s a bit twisted of him to be honest. It all sounds a bit planned out in his head to cause hurt towards you. It sounds so cold and calculated.

He should be happy for his youngest that he/she is going having a lovely exciting time with grandparents. But instead it’s stirred something in him and all he wants to do is plan a trip with you that blatantly excludes his youngest. What a weird man.

Would you be annoyed if DH used some annual leave and some holiday budget to take DSS on holiday?

I think you're being unreasonable. I have a similar setup to you and dh is always coming away with my kids without his. I'd be pretty pissed off if he declared mine weren't worth the effort without his!

Having said that, I don't think you need to make up for your parents taking a child away.. your step child sounds old enough to understand they have different grandparents.

I'll go against the grain here, I don't see an issue with holidaying with DH and step-son whilst younger child away. It doesn't have to be a holiday of a lifetime but a break with the 3 of you would be fine.

I have 5 children (3 from first marriage and 2 from second) and at times have gone away with different combinations. I've taken some on my own, taken the younger when the older children were at grandparents, two of the older opted to stay behind with their step dad rather than a camping trip etc.

I suppose the difference with me is that they are all my own, I don't have any step-children so it might skew my perspective. I think I might be a little miffed if my younger children were away with grandparents and DH refused to go on holiday with me and the older children. I'd think he was being difficult for the sake of it. I'd be basing it on our family set-up (uninvolved other parent, no family on older children's paternal side) and it's down to personal choice. If you feel that you wouldn't enjoy a holiday without your child, who am I to argue differently?

How often do you go with his and not yours?

I wouldn't want to go away with a child and not take my own as well no. A couple holiday just me and DH is different imo.

No, we have separate finances so he can do whatever he likes. I have suggested myself that he take DSS away. I've no problem with it.

If it meant he couldn't afford to go away all 4 of us, I'd just take our child myself later in the year.

What are you on about?

OP’s parents are taking her DC on their own. OP’s DH thinks because of it, him and OP should take his son on holiday and OP doesn’t want to go on holiday without her child and why should she? She is not stopping her DH from taking his oldest on holiday.

Why shouldn’t her DH take his 12 yo son on holiday alone? Why does she need to be involved? Where is your ire towards her DH who is choosing not to spend quality alone time with his own son and wants to exclude his youngest to do so out of what he perceives as “fairness”.

It is normal for fathers and sons to do holidays alone together, using the time to bond and spend time with each other. Bet the 12 yo rather spend time alone with his dad than with his dad and OP.

and your child is on holiday, so hardly getting left out

So next time DSS's mum takes him away we can go away with our child without him? Or would that suddenly be not okay anymore?

"How often do you go with his and not yours?"

Never as they go with their partners now but if asked I could hardly say no!