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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go on holiday with stepchild?

183 replies

Ponnnder8 · 22/04/2024 08:43

My parents are taking mine and DHs child away this year on quite a big special holiday.

DH is now asking that whilst they are away, we take my stepchild away by ourselves, DHs son. I have said no.

I don't want to go away without my child and would rather wait until our DC is back and all go together. I have never asked DH to go away without DSS so I don't think I should be asked to go away without ours.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable not to spoil DSS this time because our child is getting a special holiday. But I just do not want to go unless our child goes too.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 22/04/2024 12:52

Children shouldn't be left out and my parents no if step.children are not involved then non are!

I think you are making OP's point for her @SmellyNelliey unintentionally I presume?, she doesn't want her DC to be left out of a family holiday. OP is very much of the opinion if her child isn't involved then she doesn't want to go.

She has suggested OH take DSS away himself.

Mothership4two · 22/04/2024 12:55

Luxell934 · 22/04/2024 12:32

Missing the point I know but I’d be devastated my 5 year old son was going to Disney without me to be honest. Missing seeing his little face and all the excitement, I’d rather save up and take him myself.

Edited

Having been to Disney in Florida prechildren, I would have paid someone generously to take mine there without me! 😂

BIossomtoes · 22/04/2024 12:59

LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 08:57

That is harsh. One step sibling going to Disney. One step sibling staying home going nowhere. Assume it's school holidays though you've not stated ages.

Harsh is exactly the right word. My parents would never have done this. I can completely see why the kid’s dad wants them to have a holiday that’s just for them.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 22/04/2024 13:06

Perhaps you should go away to Disney with your parents and your 5 year old, as then your DH might understand what you're saying....

Tyiue · 22/04/2024 13:11

Oh Lord, I pray. Please save my dc from shitty step patenting situation like these.

A 12-year-old is a totally different age from 5 yo. I feel for your dss. Obviously, you shouldn't have to holiday with him if you don't want to. And obviously, AGAIN, your parents aren't obliged and shouldn't be obliged to take him along with them.

However, this is where empathy comes in. He is your child too, and a little empathy with your dh would go a long way. He wants your dss to be made a fuss of BECAUSE dss will understandably feel bad foe missing out.

He wants it to be with you as it signifies a family unit. Just as his ds has gone off with grandparents.

I suspect you just don't want to because you don't view your dss as dear at all. You tolerate him rather than love him. And so everything you do around him is a chore rather than done out of love for family.

RetroTotty · 22/04/2024 13:19

Hoppinggreen · 22/04/2024 09:59

You aren't stopping DH from having a holiday with his son so I dont see his issue - unless he doesnt want to do all the parenting

I was thinking that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/04/2024 13:20

Your husband should be jumping at the chance to go away and spend some quality 1:1 time with his son!

YANBU OP

Original poster
Ponnnder8 · 22/04/2024 13:23

I suspect you just don't want to because you don't view your dss as dear at all. You tolerate him rather than love him. And so everything you do around him is a chore rather than done out of love for family

What a huge reach!! I absolutely don't merely tolerate him. But no I don't view him as my child either in the same way my child is. It would feel wrong to me to holiday without my child, in the same way DH wouldn't like to holiday without DSS.

I am not preventing him from being made a fuss of, I have suggested myself that DH go and do that. I don't think I need to be present for that to happen. I do not want to go on a family holiday without my child, it would feel exclusionary and wrong.

OP posts:
RetroTotty · 22/04/2024 13:32

DSS has a father who CBA to take him away by himself.

Lovesacake · 22/04/2024 13:45

I think you’re being unreasonable, it would be a nice thing to do and the three of you could do things that wouldn’t be fun/possible with a younger child there

SalmonAndHorseradish · 22/04/2024 13:49

YANBU. Your kid is going away with his maternal grandparents. Your stepson also gets to go on holidays and trips with the maternal side of his family. That's fair. They won't always get to do the same things at the same time, but that's part of being a blended family. If your DH doesn't make a big deal of it, neither will the kids. If your DH starts rushing around trying to 'make it up' to DSS, he'll start thinking there's something that needs making up for, and that's when resentment starts growing.

It would perhaps be nice to take DSS to a theme park or something, just because it'd (presumably) be the school holidays and a rare chance for him to get to do something for older children that he presumably couldn't when his five year old sibling is there. Not as a way to make anything up to him though.

Gymnopedie · 22/04/2024 14:07

I can see your DH's point of view. Joint child is getting the holiday of a lifetime, DSS isn't. 12 year olds aren't the most emotionally mature to understand that joint DC is going with grandparents and he has grandparents of his own, and DH doesn't want DSS to feel that because he isn't he's somehow less. Less loved, less valued, less important. And I think that's why he wants you there - not for childcare but to show DSS that you both value him.

Even if your parents were willing to pay (and they have no reason to be, but if) it wouldn't work The needs and wants of a 12 year old are very different to those of a child aged five.

When I first read the OP I thought YANBU. But reflecting on it more I can see where DH is coming from and perhaps a shorter holiday focussed on DSS isn't unreasonable.

Sillysausagedog · 22/04/2024 14:08

Its not excluding your child if you go away when the child is already on holiday with grandparents.

I can see why you wouldn't want too though and would wait until later in the year when the 4 of you can go together.

I don't think you (or your DH) need to 'make up' for Grandparents taking their Grandchild away on holiday. You don't 'make up' and go on a holiday every time DSS goes with his mom or other Grandparents do you?

If DH wants to take him, fine, but I don't think you should be forced to go.

Amberjane41 · 22/04/2024 14:20

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I think your DH is the one being unreasonable here laying a guilt trip when you’ve already suggested they go just the two of them.

No offense to you or your relationship with your DSS here but I bet your step son would rather just go away with his dad for a bit of father/son bonding time and he would have his dad to himself. I actually find this weird that your DH doesn’t want to do this? Do they spend much time alone together?

It would be way cheaper as well if it were just the two of them. Maybe he could even stretch to a couple of days in Paris or something and then get a day ticket to disney from there

Whatifthehokeycokey · 22/04/2024 14:33

I think even if you have a great relationship with your stepson, you're not going to want to use up leave to go on holiday with him and his Dad without your own child. Options are, he stays with his Mum that week and you and DH go on a couples holiday, or his Dad takes him on holiday somewhere.

stepasidebiatches · 22/04/2024 14:45

@LittleMonks11
Would you say it was harsh if DSS family took him to Disney and DS was left at home?

i think he’d just be expected to suck it up to be honest and the double standard boils my piss

caringcarer · 22/04/2024 14:45

Ponnnder8 · 22/04/2024 08:49

I don't see how it's any different to DSS going away with his mum and then also coming with us (as is what happens). We don't go "perfect, he's going away with his mum so we don't need to invite him with us then this year".

Point this out to DH. Some years DSS gets 2 holidays while your DC only gets 1. This year your DC can have 2. One with her dgp and one with your family. DSS can have one with all of you going together.

caringcarer · 22/04/2024 15:00

Go on a short break with your DH. Your DC is with grandparents and DSS can be with his Mum. I'd be looking for a romantic little city break. What about Venice?

turkeymuffin · 22/04/2024 15:06

Capmagturk · 22/04/2024 10:24

Surely there's a weekend trip your dh could take your dss on. My sons 11 and if we had a 5 year old he'd love to go do something with his dad like alton towers which normally you'd have to spend time doing age appropriate things for both but without the 5 year old they could spend just doing all the bigger rides. Then you get a weekend of peace.

Edited to add, I think your dss would also enjoy the opportunity to do soemthing alone with his dad without his little step sister and step mum there.

Edited

This.

But on top if that, is there no way you want to go with your 5yo? It's a big trip to do without you?

ClareBlue · 22/04/2024 15:12

You have said numerous times you don't want to holiday without your child. But then say you will holiday with your partner as long as it is without his child. So you basically won't holiday without your child, if his child is there but as long as his child isn't there you have no issue with going on holiday without your shared child.
Why not just say you don't want to spend your valuable holiday time with your step son.

Mothership4two · 22/04/2024 15:23

There's a difference between a couples holiday and a family holiday @ClareBlue. Obviously no children go on couples holidays! OP doesn't want to go on a family holiday without her own child.

gobbledoops · 22/04/2024 15:28

RetroTotty · 22/04/2024 13:32

DSS has a father who CBA to take him away by himself.

Nailed it.

elevens24 · 22/04/2024 15:30

Aside from anything else, if I'm getting a child free week/ 2 weeks then I don't want to be doing something extended (like a holiday) with another child.

If your dh feels bad then it's up to him to organise something. I'd imagine your Dsd would love doing something special just him and his dad.

MrsMiddleMother · 22/04/2024 15:48

If your dh feels he has to make up for a holiday that is nothing to do with him, then he can take his child on holiday. There really is absolutely no need for you to go, unless as pp said he doesn't want to do all the parenting himself.

WaitingforCheese · 22/04/2024 15:51

Without knowing your SS I can tell you the ideal outcome for him is to go away alone with his dad! No SM, no younger brother. A boys trip away will do wonders for him and will be really special esp as something his little brother isn’t getting.
I can’t believe a 12 year old would be desperate for his SM to be there.

Dad just sounds like he can’t be arsed with having to entertain him all on his own.

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