To not go on holiday with stepchild?

[Ponnnder8]

My parents are taking mine and DHs child away this year on quite a big special holiday.

DH is now asking that whilst they are away, we take my stepchild away by ourselves, DHs son. I have said no.

I don't want to go away without my child and would rather wait until our DC is back and all go together. I have never asked DH to go away without DSS so I don't think I should be asked to go away without ours.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable not to spoil DSS this time because our child is getting a special holiday. But I just do not want to go unless our child goes too.

Suppose that's easy to say when you've never had to actually do it! But each to their own, I personally don't want to holiday without my child but nothing stopping him going.

Op.. I am with you. There are two aspects to this..

Your child is away for a substantial amount of time. You have child free time. You are not a 'default' parent. I bet your DH expects you to 'mother' DS whilst on holiday giving him a free ride .

My step children went in all inclusives ti Egypt, Turkey Greece etc .. whilst mine went camping but only when they were home from their other holidays..

When I had the money I would take mine away to an Airbnb etc without DH..

Just get them to plan a boys holiday and tell DH to put his big boy pants on and parent his child alone for a few days.

I am in your husbands position but I can see where you are coming from.

My son goes abroad with his dad every summer. I am now married to DH and we have a daughter.

Whilst DS is away abroad, we usually do a 3 night break somewhere in the UK. So we are doing something but it is not on the same scale as an abroad holiday.

Would I go abroad without DS but with DD? No I wouldn't. However I wouldn't want her thinking we are not doing anything at all whilst DS is away.

Does my DS mind we are doing something without him? Not really, he's having the time of his life elsewhere.

I would 🤷🏻‍♀️, we don't really keep track of who's been where with who. As long as we all have some time together and a break away (finances allowing).

Your DH is being unreasonable. He has a perfect opportunity here to spend some real one-to-one quality time with his son, with a special father and son holiday.

I have no doubt that his son would absolutely love that.

If your DH doesn't want to do that, then that's on him, not you. And if you were to get to the bottom of it, I expect it's because your DH doesn't fancy doing 24/7 parenting for the holiday on his own, which is a poor excuse.

If my oldest is away with school or friend I wouldn't take my youngest away at that time. I would wait until 4 of us can go, and mine aren't step siblings.

It would reassure dh you to care for step child but holiday is better for all 4 of you, reminding him that you wouldnt go away without step child either.

Yes!!! Unless it’s a trip of a lifetime that you know the other child would be missing out on, it’s perfectly acceptable for separate families to holiday separately when both are going away at the same time, why wouldn’t it be.. both children are getting a holiday so what would be the problem in that? Who’s losing out?

if DSS is away with his mum, you, DH and your child can go away as a three.

if your child is away, you DH and DSS can go away as a three.

if DSS has never had alone time on holiday with you and DH since your 5 year old was born, why can’t you make the exception for him this one time, it’s a great opportunity where there’s no down side to it that I can see, so why dig your heels in?

no wonder you DH is disappointed in you.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable, not least because you've said that you can't afford an equivalent holiday for your stepson. If he wants to go, he can chat to his maternal grandparents.

Completely agree with you op. I would not go away without my child. As u said what’s the difference when dss mum takes him away, do u and your husband take your little one away because dss is away! Stand your ground

This. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors.

husband and his son should go away on their own!

There's no way a 5 yo and 12 yo are going to enjoy the same things on holiday.

your DH needs to convince his parents or his family members to take SS away on holiday without 5yo so both boys get a holiday with their grandparents.

Or why can't DH take his own 12 yo son away on a boys trip? Ideal opportunity.

He wants you there to do the 'mum work'.

Stand fast OP.

If the sexes were reversed, I doubt anyone here saying that he only wants you on this holiday to ‘parent’ his son, he wants you there so it’s a family holiday for your DSS like I’m assuming it used to be before you had a child together.

What’s wrong with wanting your wife/husband to want to come on holiday with you with one or more of your kids? Your joint child isn’t missing out having the time of their life at Disney, so why can’t you take this opportunity to spend a bit of quality time with your step child, where they are focus of the holiday this ONE time, it doesn’t have to be anything amazing, just a few days.. it says more about you as a step parent that you’re not interested in going, then it does you DH for wanting you to come.

why would you feel sorry for the SS. You have no idea about his life and what he gets given by his mother and her family. How do you know the 12yo hasn't had some amazing experiences with his family that the 5yo will never have?

If dad felt so strongly about both boys getting the same why didn't he arrange a trip to Disney for the 12yo when he was younger, or for both boys to go now? Because somebody else did it for him, that's why.

My issue wouldn't even be with the holiday!

My main reservation would be from an annual leave perspective.

No way would I be taking a week's (or more?) annual leave that doesn't cover looking after my own DC. I use ALL my annual leave to cover my DC's school holidays and it wouldn't be feasible for me to have a week off when my DC's are not even at home!

OP has said she suggested this herself and OH said no.

also yes with the age gap - surely sometimes seperate holidays make sense - Husband has a 15year old and we have a 3 year old together

step son wont come to a butlins tot break with us

step son wants to go to a few music festivals and stuff in the summer so husband takes him to those

and husband and him happily go off to some city breaks and adventure type holidays together

sometimes i take my toddler to Butlins or centerparcs with my sister and her daughter

don't have to always do everything together!

Didn’t you learn, OP, it is always fine to exclude children from the 2nd family but an absolute no no to exclude the ones from the 1st family?

If DSS, maternal grandparents were to take him somewhere this doesn’t give you a free pass to go on holiday with just your son, however if your son’s maternal GP are taking him somewhere you of course have to go on holiday with DSS.
Seems fair, no?

Seriously, of course YANBU. Any treats/holidays with grandparents shouldn’t be compared for two children having different grandparents. As long as you include him in family holidays (as in you/DH/DS/DSS) things are fair.

If my OH DC went away to anything approaching Disney with her Mother or GP on either side (and his youngest DD is the same age as my DS) my son wouldn't give a monkey's. I wouldn't consider anything like 'making it up to DS' because OH DD is going somewhere considered fun. that is life.

@Ponnnder8 's DSS is 12 and DS is 5. These are not that similar in terms of what each would want to do at a theme park, it's not compatible

@Ponnnder8 What is tragic is that your DH has considered that his DS needs to be compensated for his other DS trip with YOUR PARENTS but isn't using this as a great opportunity to do something fun with his DS without hauling you into a holiday - Why could he not got to Alton Towers or something and stay a couple of day? Can't he manage the childcare alone?

Your H needs to understand that his kids have different lives with some of the same people, but other separate people. They will understand, he needs to deal with this stupid guilt - or do something about it HIMSELF.

Missing the point I know but I’d be devastated my 5 year old son was going to Disney without me to be honest. Missing seeing his little face and all the excitement, I’d rather save up and take him myself.

I’d happily go on the holiday with dh and dss whilst my child was at Disney with grandparents, provided there was also funds for another holiday with both children. If I was only going to be having one holiday all year, yes I’d want my child there too.

I’m curious as to what you think the real reason is for him wanting you to go.
I’ll admit that life has made me cynical.
My first thought is that he thinks it’ll be a bit boring and hard work, so he wants you there to do some of the hard work bit for him and also for company instead of embracing the 1:1 time with his son.
I do know some amazing married and single fathers, honest… but amongst my divorced friends, there’s quite a large number of dads who won’t take the kids on holiday… until they get a girlfriend.

YANBU anyway, but you are doubly NBU is any part of this request is laziness. Which is where my money is 😉

Well I'm glad non of you are my step parents.
When you got with this man/married him you knew about DSS.
What DSS dose with his mother isn't anything to do with your child.
BUT because you are blended that makes his children FAMILY! Children shouldn't be left out and my parents no if step.children are not involved then non are! We are family!
I feel sorry for your step.son and see DH point of view!

Maybe if it’s just the two of them then your DH can spend the money that would have paid for you to do something extra nice for DSS? Sell it to him that way.

Does DSS live with you or more precisely will they be scheduled to be in your care for that period your joint child is away? if they are due to be at mums for that time period i'd not be amending any custody arrangement.

My first thought was it'd be a perfect opportunity for you to go away as a couple