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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people automatically think single parents have no free time compared to married couples… but it’s actually not the case

154 replies

Treeplll · 22/04/2024 07:23

Basically my sister and I each have a two year old. I’m married and sister is a single parent. Her ex husband sees their daughter usually at weekends. Sometimes she will go with them it going somewhere nice or she’ll have the day with a friend etc, hairdressers. My husband works shifts and I haven’t had a day to myself for 7 months. He also gets back late so rarely does bedtime.

Anyway, getting to the point…our parents are very elderly and can’t help practically, but they are ALWAYS saying at social events how resilient and great my sister is … I know being a single parent is hard I used to be one! But AIBU to think sometimes as a single parent you get more of a break?! I have zero credit for doing it all and I do… not because my husband is shit but because of his work pattern!

im probably having a bad week this week but I just feel nobody notices it at all, anyone who is a single parent is automatically seen as stretched for time etc yet my sister has had several hair appointments and catch up with friends in the last month… that’s a once every few months thing for me!!!

OP posts:
TheWonderhorse · 22/04/2024 07:28

You're tired, I get it. But resenting your sister? Your situation is nothing to do with her.

Does your husband work 7 days a week? There has to be some leeway for you to get the break you clearly need. I suspect you're only feeling this way because you're tired.

Sleep10 · 22/04/2024 07:30

I hear you on this.
It can be hard being a parent and find even 10 minutes of alone time regardless of our living situations 🫂

Eze · 22/04/2024 07:41

Single parents have to shoulder 100% of the mental load, financial responsibility and all the chores. So on that part YABU.

The problem is married life is not working for you as your so tired. Is your DH working 7 days a week? Does he pull his weight when he’s home or expect you to still do everything? Are you finding that your essentially a single parent as he’s behaving like a third child?

Something has to change within your marriage as the current situation is not working for you. Comparing yourself to your sister is a red herring. I’m sorry things are so tough for you at the moment, I hope you can improve them.

susiedaisy1912 · 22/04/2024 07:42

All depends on the individual situation. I was a single parent for 14 years and their father rarely had them. I worked partime so used up any babysitting favours on those days so I got no free time at all until they both started to school. I also had no other adult company at home and no one to talk to and support me. It was bloody hard work and very lonely.

jobsjkfo · 22/04/2024 07:43

My DH goes away for months at a time for work but I'd never compare myself to, or wish to be, a single parent. Even when he's away, sharing the emotional and financial burden is huge.

ThePoshUns · 22/04/2024 07:43

Your sister isn't a single parent though. Her and her ex are both parenting their daughter.

WittiestUsernameEver · 22/04/2024 07:43

But ops sister isn't a single parent... There's two parents and dad has the child at weekends

Tahinii · 22/04/2024 07:44

ThePoshUns · 22/04/2024 07:43

Your sister isn't a single parent though. Her and her ex are both parenting their daughter.

She is single and she is a parent. It sounds like the mum is doing 5-6 days per week alone. That must feel pretty alone.

WittiestUsernameEver · 22/04/2024 07:44

Eze · 22/04/2024 07:41

Single parents have to shoulder 100% of the mental load, financial responsibility and all the chores. So on that part YABU.

The problem is married life is not working for you as your so tired. Is your DH working 7 days a week? Does he pull his weight when he’s home or expect you to still do everything? Are you finding that your essentially a single parent as he’s behaving like a third child?

Something has to change within your marriage as the current situation is not working for you. Comparing yourself to your sister is a red herring. I’m sorry things are so tough for you at the moment, I hope you can improve them.

Ops sister isn't a single parent though.

AIBunnecessary · 22/04/2024 07:44

The difference there though is you have a husband to financially support you which your sister doesn't, you also have someone to take the mental load with you. Yes she may have the odd day off on a weekend but the rest of the week everything is on her and it's very full on, running the household, childcare, logistics etc and i am sure once your husband is home he helps round the house etc and you can tell him about the kids and what's gone on etc.

Also not all single mums are as lucky as your sister, lots of people have an ex that avoids paying and seeing their children. My ex used to be a fantastic dad (was always a questionable partner) but since being with OW he lost interest in the kids and couldn't separate them from me and so all his resentment has made him take a huge step back. Being a single mum is really hard work.

WittiestUsernameEver · 22/04/2024 07:45

Tahinii · 22/04/2024 07:44

She is single and she is a parent. It sounds like the mum is doing 5-6 days per week alone. That must feel pretty alone.

Show quote history

The second parent is having the child 2 days a week. So there's another parent to discuss/support/do school runs/take to activities etc etc etc

My sister was truly a single parent, father fucked off to Spain 25 years ago when she was 12 weeks pregnant and never heard from him again.

ShipshapeShore · 22/04/2024 07:45

I'm in the same situation, except my sister gets all the help from our parents too. I know it's hard for her but I've spent the last decade slogging away with little free time and she's had loads of girls holidays and nights out etc. But yes, lots of people think my life is much easier because I'm married. It is in lots of ways but I hear what you're saying. Swings and roundabouts I guess!

ringoffiire · 22/04/2024 07:46

My friend is a single parent and their dad has them 2-3 nights a week.

She gets to relax, go on dates, see friends, do life admin etc during that time.

But that doesn't mean that being a single parent is 'easier'. You don't have a team mate. There's no one who has your back. She often struggles because there is a lot of pressure (and their dad is a bit useless).

It's better to be in a stable relationship to raise children.

WittiestUsernameEver · 22/04/2024 07:46

AIBunnecessary · 22/04/2024 07:44

The difference there though is you have a husband to financially support you which your sister doesn't, you also have someone to take the mental load with you. Yes she may have the odd day off on a weekend but the rest of the week everything is on her and it's very full on, running the household, childcare, logistics etc and i am sure once your husband is home he helps round the house etc and you can tell him about the kids and what's gone on etc.

Also not all single mums are as lucky as your sister, lots of people have an ex that avoids paying and seeing their children. My ex used to be a fantastic dad (was always a questionable partner) but since being with OW he lost interest in the kids and couldn't separate them from me and so all his resentment has made him take a huge step back. Being a single mum is really hard work.

We don't know that the dada isn't financially supporting the child.

We don't know that dad isn't ferrying kid to parties etc when he has them

BloodyAdultDC · 22/04/2024 07:49

I did get more 'alone' time as a single parent initially, as my ex turned into superdad on the one day a fortnight he declared he would babysit his children 'for me'.

(That soon dwindled to 3 times a year)

The truth is that when married he contributed nothing to parenting and all the mental load, all the thinking never mind the doing fell to me. When we split up I got 8 hours a fortnight to decompress. To breathe. To not worry what the DC were doing, if they needed feeding, if they needed a wee.

Being a single parent means that 100% of everything falls to you - even down to packing clothes and snacks for when they're with the other parent.

You have a household with two parents, two incomes, should be able to tag-team most of the parenting stuff, but that isn't happening right now, and rightly you feel resentment towards your 'd'h. I guarantee that if you and your dh find a way to split the hard grind if parenting a bit more fairly you will see how hard your sister finds managing being a single parent.

ineedsun · 22/04/2024 07:51

It is situation dependent but we were in the same position as you with shifts etc.

We had no child free time for years and years and it was hard! I don’t resent that as we chose to do it that way for a few reasons but my friends who were single parents definitely did get more child free time on the face of it.

I guess it’s swings and roundabouts.

Pigeonqueen · 22/04/2024 07:52

Well your sister is lucky because she clearly has a supportive family and her ex is involved. Lots of single parents have absolutely no one. I was one of those for many years. My ex upped and moved to the USA. My only family member, my Mum had schizophrenia and I was caring for her too. Life was very hard. No breaks and I worked full time getting two buses and a tube to work everyday to take dd to nursery and then myself to work. I’m now remarried, been happily remarried for 15 years and dd is now 21, life is good but I’m now lucky my dh is an equal parent (we have dc together) but again that’s situational.

Elephantswillnever · 22/04/2024 07:54

I’d agree with you. I get much more free time now I’m single as ex does 50/50. I would say when I was married the bulk of housework/ cooking fell to me. I suspect had he been up for doing his share life would of been easier / more equal.

Elephantswillnever · 22/04/2024 07:54

I’d agree with you. I get much more free time now I’m single as ex does 50/50. I would say when I was married the bulk of housework/ cooking fell to me. I suspect had he been up for doing his share life would of been easier / more equal.

StormingNorman · 22/04/2024 07:56

It depends on individual situations. Some married women are effectively single when it comes to workload and some single mums have a great co-parent.

There is definitely a narrative that single parents have it harder though and maybe the people in your life are responding to that rather than digging into the detail of your situations.

ConsistentlyInconsistant · 22/04/2024 07:59

Yes. All single parents have exactly the same circumstances Hmm

IcyLilacPoet · 22/04/2024 08:01

It varies I'd say. My ex had very little to do with our children when we split up. So I didn't have the free time that you speak of. He did throw money my way from time to time so there's that. In hindsight he was a good 'fun dad' when they were small, but what I understand to be mental load always fell to me. My friend who was single would grumble a lot, despite having regular child free time and decent maintenance for her children. But her ex remained very controlling, whereas I was able to do my own thing.
It's not black and white tbh.

Starseeking · 22/04/2024 08:03

lol, you have no idea what it is to be a single parent.

I co-parent with my EXDP, in a standard EOW contact pattern. This means he only has DC 4 days out of a possible 30/31 days (his choice). I do all admin for DC, he does none. I used to pack bags for each of them until he continued treating me like a laundry service, so I stopped and got him to keep some clothes at his place for them. DC do activities every day after school, their Dad has never dropped them to a single one.

I also work full-time in a senior level job with over an hour's commute each way. Without the support I buy in from my children's Nanny (£££) and separately my parents, I'd have to give up work, sell my house and live on benefits.

It is much much more beneficial to be in a marriage/partnership where both do their equal share. I'm surprised you can't see that.

If you haven't had any time to yourself in 7 months, that must mean your DH is pretty rubbish at sharing the parenting load. Get him to do more instead of focussing your anger and jealousy on your sister.

Stressfordays · 22/04/2024 08:04

Easier being a single parent then having a shit relationship tbh. I'm a lone parent and I find it on the most part easier. It certainly got easier once I didn't have to navigate co-parenting like when we first split. I feel for my friends who have shitty ex's who still (sporadically) see the kids.

However, there are aspects that are so so hard. Single income household, navigating poorly kids, not being able to just pop to the shops or go for a run without strategic planning, having no one to back you up.

I manage perfectly fine and I dislike all the 'praise' I get about how I cope. I don't ask for it and all the faux 'you do so well' is embarrassing. Like did they expect me to crumble? Of course I just got on with it for my kids, like most people out there left in a shit situation.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 22/04/2024 08:05

I don't think single parents always realise that juggling /making space for a relationship is also demanding sometimes when you have kids.

Just like people without kids can't ever really appreciate how tired parents get.

How can they?