to think people automatically think single parents have no free time compared to married couples… but it’s actually not the case

[Treeplll]

Basically my sister and I each have a two year old. I’m married and sister is a single parent. Her ex husband sees their daughter usually at weekends. Sometimes she will go with them it going somewhere nice or she’ll have the day with a friend etc, hairdressers. My husband works shifts and I haven’t had a day to myself for 7 months. He also gets back late so rarely does bedtime.

Anyway, getting to the point…our parents are very elderly and can’t help practically, but they are ALWAYS saying at social events how resilient and great my sister is … I know being a single parent is hard I used to be one! But AIBU to think sometimes as a single parent you get more of a break?! I have zero credit for doing it all and I do… not because my husband is shit but because of his work pattern!

im probably having a bad week this week but I just feel nobody notices it at all, anyone who is a single parent is automatically seen as stretched for time etc yet my sister has had several hair appointments and catch up with friends in the last month… that’s a once every few months thing for me!!!

This seems entirely reasonable!
Some single parents I know feel the need to continually mention it.

One of my friends lives with her mother so essentially has a built in babysitter. The kid's dad has them every other weekend so she uas those free. She works inna school so she has all the holidays to d fun stuff with the kid as well as holiday with her friends separately sometimes.

She also owns her own property that she rents out.

Really honestly I don't think her life is that hard.

I know a married couple who have three kids and were made homeless because their landlord evicted them. They were housed in a cheap hotel while waiting for council accommodation because they can't afford to buy, for 7 months. No cooking facilities in this place.

People's situations are all different. Being single or otherwise is not always the determining factor.

Pretty sure most of us single parents have been in relationships so I think we can safely say, we know.

I'm pretty sure single parents know what it's like to be in a relationship and to make time for their partner...unless you are implying that all single parents came to be so through one night stands/FWB

@Stressfordays was meaning long relationships... most of my single parent friends were in very sort relationships so have no idea what it's like to be with someone for decades. So yes was only commenting from my own perspective here.
It's not judgmental just an observation.

I actually have no free time at all. I work full time, am interviewing for a job as will be losing my other one shortly. I do a speech course online for 2.5 hrs at the weekend to help my dd with speech at home. i do not see friends, i do not watch TV, its literally like hunger games everyday non stop!
I pick up and drop dd to nursery and if shes unwell, i need to drive and pick her up again in the middle of the day. I wake up at 6am everyday , no lay ins on the weekend and am spent by 9pm. Even to get my hair done has to be organised well in advance. nails are a long gone desire.
The buck stops with me. No father in sight.

"Short relationships" that should say.

She's still doing more than you. Although I do know a handful of single parents who have holidays and a social life. It's not too bad for them.

Lone parents have them all the time and no nights off.

If a person has a partner as is more tired than a solo parent, that's because the partner is not pulling their weight. Most men don't. It's quite simple.

I don't think a 10 years is a short relationship. Many of my single parent friends were in 15+ year relationships. It is judgemental. Not only that, if the single parent wishes to date again then they still have to juggle that. It's not easy.

@Starseeking most of my single friends left their partners quite early on in their kid's lives as it was apparent to them that they would be better off raising their kids without them.

They are all without exception, amazing mothers with well brought up children. Regardless of how crap their ex's have been.

I'm not criticising them. I'm saying that they can't know what it's like to have been with someone for 20+ years.

Likewise, my friends with one child can't possibly know how much more work it is to have 3.

It's 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. Being alone with kids is hard, when you're the only adult, you don't get a second of time off all day and night for days on end, there's no one even to voice to. And alot of the time you don't even speak to other adults for days, maybe the woman at the counter at softplay, maybe a passing comment with another mother. Being in a partnership is so much easier day to day.

But yes, single parents usually get more child free evenings than most parents if the other parent is involved.

I would rather have a good partner and less free evenings than be alone.

@Stressfordays my point is it's nit easy for lots of people. Being a single parent isn't the only deciding factor.

It's impossible to say if you've not been in that situation.

I'm not a single parent, but I have friends who have 50/50 custody with their exes, and essentially get half a week/every other week "off" from day to day parenting, and therefore a lot more childfree time than I have.

Of course the other 50% of the time they are doing it all alone, so is that harder than sharing the load 100% of the time?

And that's only the best case scenarios - I know people where one parent isn't involved at all, or only take the children at weekends (when the M-F parent then has to work back to back shifts).

OP's sister is a single parent, in that she's not married, but she isn't a lone parent. She has a decent co parenting arrangement.

I don't think all single parents have the full financial responsibility or mental load. Not all situations are the same and there are dads out there who do pay their share and actively parent the kids.

I can see why the OP is a bit resentful - it might be nice if her parents offered the same acknowledgement and help to her as they do her sister.

How come shift work means you have never had a day to yourself for 7 months @Treeplll

You are being unreasonable because you're still part of a couple and share the family unit responsibilities.

Someone I know said they find it frustrating when coupled up people say they know what it's like to be a single parent because their DP or DH works away because it's not the same. A single parent has the full weight of the household, and finances and childcare in their shoulders 24/7 without the other child's parent to share some of that load. Even in co-parenting arrangements with amicable parents, it's rarely close to 50/50 and both parents still have the weight of running individual households. It was the first time I'd thought about it like that. Being a single parent is more than who does the most day to day tasks.

My ex does not see DS at all so I've done it all completely alone since he was 10 months old, barely any family help either. Just depends on the level of support you have.

I do have an idea, having been one, with an entirely absent father, and it was far easier for me.

You get 4 days off a month. A day a week in effect. It's not about being a single person, it's about getting a break for yourself without the children.

Guess what, I do everything you do and never get a break. I'd be laughing only having DC half the weekends.

If you haven't had any time to yourself in 7 months, that must mean your DH is pretty rubbish at sharing the parenting load. Get him to do more instead of focussing your anger and jealousy on your sister.

Or, as PP says, it's because my DH works very hard and long hours. Far from him not pulling his weight. I'd like to know how he is supposed to do more.

I think a lot of single who are actually co-parents think they are heros for doing it all by themselves without any recognition that they get a break regularly that is essentially life-changing and a huge benefit. Actually many married people are doing it all by themselves because the other partner is working very hard elsewhere.

True single parents where there is no shared child care/no break, are more similar to my married position.

I hate married people with partners who work a lot comparing. It is not comparable. Example of this is my Friday night when my daughter became very unwell in the night with appendicitis. I had to ask my neighbour to come and sit in my house with my other children while I took her to the hospital. Then ask friends/my mum to take turns caring for them while I was in with her. It was that or drag 3 kids to the hospital. Your husband would just come home in that situation.

Being a lone parent is not similar to being married with a partner who works long hours. It's laughable that you'd think it is.

Your problem is shift work!

A single mum with no father on the scene would be under more pressure than you!

Though you and your sister could look after each others kids for alternating afternoons if you each needed time.

It’s very tough with kids and elderly relatives all needing you but divisive generalisations don’t help.

Single parent without any other person to shoulder any of it. I do not get any break.

Parenting in its many forms is hard.
I hope your week improves.

Single parents have the mental load and very often the financial responsibility. All the planning and thinking can be overwhelming.

And not the case for your sister, but a large percentage of the non resident men do zero of the parenting.

It's swings and roundabouts I suppose.
Someone I know was on very good terms with her ex and had many weekends on her own while he had her children or she had weekends away with her family or friends , she also had her mum living near by with child care there for school runs and all sorts. She was able to work four long days a week.
Many people don't have this and find it incredibly hard to parent on their own without any outside help at all and family are not available. It's much harder for them without any kind of back up for even emergencies

I'm a single parent and yes my DC do see their dad, and whilst they are, I work longer days and repair the house/garden (if on a day off) so that we don't live in a shithole, but he is the one that still makes my life difficult by making changes in his life that constantly has an impact on my DC emotionally and physically and undermine what I try and put in place for them (which then impacts their expectations and behaviour when they are with me) so you can all DFOD with your 'you are not a single parent shit'.