to think people automatically think single parents have no free time compared to married couples… but it’s actually not the case

[Treeplll]

Basically my sister and I each have a two year old. I’m married and sister is a single parent. Her ex husband sees their daughter usually at weekends. Sometimes she will go with them it going somewhere nice or she’ll have the day with a friend etc, hairdressers. My husband works shifts and I haven’t had a day to myself for 7 months. He also gets back late so rarely does bedtime.

Anyway, getting to the point…our parents are very elderly and can’t help practically, but they are ALWAYS saying at social events how resilient and great my sister is … I know being a single parent is hard I used to be one! But AIBU to think sometimes as a single parent you get more of a break?! I have zero credit for doing it all and I do… not because my husband is shit but because of his work pattern!

im probably having a bad week this week but I just feel nobody notices it at all, anyone who is a single parent is automatically seen as stretched for time etc yet my sister has had several hair appointments and catch up with friends in the last month… that’s a once every few months thing for me!!!

What kind of shift pattern means that you don't get a day to yourself for 7 months? Does he ever get a day to himself? I bet he does.

@Eze she isn’t shouldering it alone though? She has money each month for dc and then has nearly all weekends to do as she pleases. I’m not saying it’s not hard for her, I’m just saying there’s this idea that single mums never have time and it’s simply not always the case!

And your thread title should be 'to think people automatically think single parents have no free time compared to married couples… but it’s actually not the case, where partners work shift patterns that apparently don't facilitate any time off for their partner for 7 months (or where the partners are shit)'

I am a lone parent, ex husband has abandoned DS, I have no free time. I last went for an evening out five years ago and that was only because it was my 50th birthday. DS has SN and is not yet old enough to be left alone.

I've just left my husband. We have a 2 year old and 9 week old.
Single life is easier than married was.

Op you need to stop focusing on what you think single parents get and talk to your husband about why you haven't been able to get a day to yourself in 7 months. Your sister may get 2 days a week to herself at the moment ,this won't last when the kids are older and don't want to be dictated to every weekend. Your sister will have no one in the house to help her when her kids are ill, throw a tantrum, need help with homework, refuse to get up for school, refuse to go to bed, have to be in two place at once for activities, and unless she has a very generous ex partner or is a high earner she will be constantly juggling to make ends meet, despite the 'luxury' of being able to have a hair appointment and a coffee with friends as you keep mentioning.

Yes, this.

YOU appear to have a really shitty situation regarding time to yourself. That's not because you are married and she is single. It's because you and your DP don't seem to have got a good system in place. His shift pattern really means you haven't had a break for 7 months? How many breaks does HE get?

There are pros and cons to both. PLUS, a shitty partner is almost always worse than being alone.

Don't blame your sister and family for the fact your life is not going great. Your sister will have other challenges. And other single people will have their own challenges too.

I'm a widow. I'd love to have someone to share the responsibility with.

That's because you had a shit husband, If you'd had a loving supportive hands on husband and father I guess you would be sorely noticing the difference right now. When I ended my marriage I kid you not the only two things extra I had to do was put the wheelie bin out and mow the lawn, it was a stark reminder of how unavailable and removed he was from me the kids and home life.

Is that your understanding of what I've just written?

Having been a lone parent, with no co parenting, and a married parent, I'm not sure why you find my exact experience laughable.

Both are relentless. Both gave no break (for different reasons.)

My idea of laughable, is a parent who hands their children to the other parent on a weekly basis, for overnight stays, whilst insisting they "do it all."

Hope that helps you understand what I wrote the first time.

You can’t generalise because circumstances vary so much.

It sounds like you need a break OP - does your h get a break too? Can your h switch jobs or ask for flexible working while the kids are young ? 7 months without childfree time is tough- haven’t you even had some time to go to a hairdresser or trip to the shops? 2 is such a full on age so lots of 💐 to you.

Having a h who works away is nothing like being a single parent. I found it easy to suck up having a spouse who worked away because it meant that I didn’t have to worry about money. As a single or lone parent, the financial loss is all on me.

My ex has the kids sometimes but it’s around his job and like this weekend, he can just not turn up and there’s no repercussions. My kids are old enough to not need childcare but my free time is normally work because there’s just me, CoL and all that. I would love some emotional support as I have so many worries atm but unfortunately ex will piss off the kids with his reaction if he knew so I will keep yet another worry bottled inside.

Yanbu to be annoyed that your parents are comparing you to your sister and not offering sympathy on how tiring 2 year olds are.

I got far more free time as a SP than a married one. EOW off and maybe a week in the summer.

BUT! That has to be balanced with the relentlessness of being mum and dad for them all every other time. Especially if dad is a jerk so you have him there pratting around and you have to be a supermum to make up for his lack. Or I felt I had to.

@gano yes this is my point that you can’t generalise! Yet people do all the time about single parents

You're absolutely right. People have been asking me how I'm coping.. I couldn't understand the first few times, why would it be harder? I have less to do now.

Loving, supportive partners must make life much easier, but if you've not got a good partner they increase the workload.

Lots of people with children and in bad relationships end those relationships because they know that being separated is psychologically less stressful than remaining in a relationship with someone unkind / difficult / abusive / lazy / adulterous / incompetent. Those people are banking on the fact that despite the loss of ability to go to the shop alone for a few years, or whatever other meagre advantage their partner brings, that things will get easier in some important ways once they split.
The there are the people whose relationships end without it being their decision - partner dies being the absolute version, but also partner moves abroad, is put in prison, or just leaves. These people are dealing with grief and loss, and are not in control.

You have choice, OP. Continuing as you are is one. Breaking up is another. Reconfiguring how things are done so that you get a break would likely be the best, but you'd need to get husband on board. If he won't, it will be hurtful to come to the realisation that he chooses not to prioritise you.

Interesting that you ignored all the questions in that post about how much your DH pulls his weight, and whether he works 7 days a week?

That’s a lot of assumption that the father is even vaguely involved in school runs, taking to activities, being interested in discussing anything or even caring. My kids had them 4 days a month and had no contact in between, has never done a parents evening or a school run or any of those things. When I had major surgery our autistic teens had to go into respite care because he wouldn’t have them. Having another parent in the country does not mean you are not a single parent.

I've mixed feelings... easier to be single than in a shit relationship. Managing a good / effective co-parenting relationship isn't easy. Having an unreliable dad etc... Having one income isn't easy. Not having another person to talk things over with, really on for emotional support is also hard. When your kids are sick and you are too... horrendous.

I wouldn't consider an eow Dad to be particularly hands on so yes I would imagine with a 2 year old your sister life is pretty tough.

2 separate issues
Yes you're right -a single parent with 1 child who does 50/50 in both care and finances with a helpful ex is in a completely different position to a single parent with 4 kids whose ex doesn't help at all, so it's not helpful to generalise.

Your own specific issue with your dh and your sister seems like a dh problem. Unless his shifts are 14hours a day 7 days a week he should do the same amount of hours as any other full time person just at different times. He might not be able to do bedtime but if he's on nights he could take them to school before he goes to sleep? Or he could take on all washing and food purchasing and cooking as recognition that you do all the childcare?

Being resentful of your sister because your dh doesn't pull his weight is unfair. Perhaps your parents don't congratulate or recognise you for "doing it all" because they think you're a bit of a mug for doing so rather than deserving of praise!

It’s more often the case though.
assuming your husband doesn’t work 7 days a week, why are you not getting a break?

It's not judgmental just an observation

It IS judgemental though.

I became a SP after 15 years, does that mean I qualify to be in your little gang of knowing what a "real" relationship is? FFS!

Going back to the OP, I think her issue is the husband.

Someone shouldn't feel so exhausted and have had so little time to themselves in a healthy, balanced relationship.

Yes my friend said the best thing about her dh leaving her is all the time she gets to herself now. Never had that before.

@WittiestUsernameEver

Single parent is a parent who is single.

Your sister is a lone parent.

I think you are getting confused with a lone parent and a co-parent.

I have an EOW co parent set up with my ex but I am single so I class myself as a single parent.

Your sister doesn't have any help from her children's father so is a lone parent.

And to answer the op. I do have more spare time now I'm single parent than I did when I was married but I do have to use my time differently. So it's swings and roundabouts really.