to think people automatically think single parents have no free time compared to married couples… but it’s actually not the case

[Treeplll]

Basically my sister and I each have a two year old. I’m married and sister is a single parent. Her ex husband sees their daughter usually at weekends. Sometimes she will go with them it going somewhere nice or she’ll have the day with a friend etc, hairdressers. My husband works shifts and I haven’t had a day to myself for 7 months. He also gets back late so rarely does bedtime.

Anyway, getting to the point…our parents are very elderly and can’t help practically, but they are ALWAYS saying at social events how resilient and great my sister is … I know being a single parent is hard I used to be one! But AIBU to think sometimes as a single parent you get more of a break?! I have zero credit for doing it all and I do… not because my husband is shit but because of his work pattern!

im probably having a bad week this week but I just feel nobody notices it at all, anyone who is a single parent is automatically seen as stretched for time etc yet my sister has had several hair appointments and catch up with friends in the last month… that’s a once every few months thing for me!!!

Actually no, I think this thread shows that assumption is not universal. It might be with your parents, in which case, your thread really shoul dhave been, "AIBU for being frustrated that my parents assume my sister's life is really hard and mine is easy simply because she's single when actually, my DH is a complete waste of space and his working pattern and finances mean that I've not had a single day to myself for 7 months while my sister at least gets EOW".

This. You have choices your sister doesn't. So yes, you have it easier. If your life would be that much easier if you left then leave. Obviously there are no guarantees your husband would have the kids though. My ex has mine on Sundays. Which I have to work. He doesn't have overnights. He pays 200 a month maintenance for 2 kids. And the oldest one has decided not to go any more, so even in the brief hour between me finishing work and him bringing them home isn't my own. But if the help you would get from your parents outweighs what you would lose from your DH, including the financial side, then that's your problem, not how much help your sister gets. Stop focusing on her and look at yourself and the choices you are making (ignoring lack of help from your dh beingthe main one). That's where the problem is.

I know exactly what you mean. Single mums I know get a weekend to themselves every other weekend. They have beauty appointments, socialise, do errands, date nights without having to pay for a sitter. Lay ins, weekends away. When the parents are together you never get a day off, especially if you works shifts which have to be opposite to each other for childcare.

🤣🤣🤣

So leave. Obviously everything will be easier then! Problem solved.

Depends on the circumstances. My ex moved abroad and had the children for one week a year. Other than that, I was definitely a single parent!

I respectfully disagree. I'd assert that a single parent is one that is a parent doing it on their own. It's is the same as a lone parent.

The child is being raised by one single parent. As one. Not two.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/single-parent

https://g.co/kgs/bwPFwUa

But never mind.

I'm a single parent and get no weekends off, no lay ins, no weekends away, no time for beauty appointments etc etc.

Also, with people in couples - if you're not arranging between yourself for one partner to take the kids out so the other can have a lie in, day off, or let you go out for a night then that's a choice, or a problem with your relationship/partner if they refuse to do it.

@WittiestUsernameEver

So by that definition I'm a single parent. How would you class my situation then?

Instead of being envious of your sister, why don’t you leave your husband and enjoy the additional free time? It sounds like your husband doesn’t pull his weight and you’re projecting that frustration onto your sister.

So, you think single parent and lone parent are the same. Because they "do it all."

Jane, who I work with, doesn't have her children every weekend. Not even every other. Every.

And she's the first to tell you what a hero she is, doing it all. Except Jane isn't doing 104 days a year. Just under a third of the year. Doesn't sound like every weekend could possibly be that much, but there you go, there's the maths. Jane is always the first to point out how restricted her social life is because she can't do the evening Zumba class on a Tuesday as well as have every single Friday and Saturday night free

Even with EOW, if the other parent picks them up from Friday after school, and returns then Sunday evening, that's all of Friday, Friday night, all of Saturday, Saturday night, all of Sunday. Which actually is a fuck tonne of time off as frequently as every other weekend for the other parent. I can't imagine the shift in mental load to be able to drop my kids at school on a Friday morning and not have to lift a finger for them until Sunday night, every other weekend! That's bloody loads.

Lone parents don't ever get a break from their child, because the other parent never takes them. They are doing it all.

I'm now on 4yrs 4mths of no break from my kids. And despite some people not being able to get their heads round it, not because I have a shit DH. My DH is about to start a new business in the industry he's worked his arse off in. In order to have the right frame work, back up funds, everything ready to go, he works and works and works. We will all reap the benefits of that when that day comes. Still doesn't change that Jane's life (regarding being a parent) is a fucking doss compared to mine. Or to an actual lone parent.

'We will all reap the benefits of that when that day comes'

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn But there's the difference. You will benefit from it. And it is a choice. You could leave. But as you say, you will gain in the end. Single parents aren't making a choice, they are doing what has to be done. You could choose for your husband to do more, but you don't. Which is why you have every right to say you've got it tough, but you also need to acknowledge that you can opt out of the things that make it hard.

Slightly odd to pick just that one sentence. It's kind of irrelevant that its the reason my DH isn't just "shit and not pulling his weight" which is as far as many people's thought processes go.

How about he's an on call nurse. Works all hours. Pay not that great. Still doing an essential and amazing job, but our family won't reap any notable benefits from that. Now what?

Go through everything I wrote and don't focus on the one non-point in order to gloss over the rest that's actually relevant. "The difference" as you call it has now gone. There is no difference.

I cannot imagine how your husband working shifts means you haven't had a day to yourself for 7 months. You have a DH problem. Let him look after his own children while you get your hair done, or go out, if that's what you want.

I don’t think this was aimed at me but if you work opposite shifts it’s entirely possible. When our kids were younger there was a period of about a year when we got one day a month where neither of us were working. We weren’t going to then sod off on the one day we had together as a family each month.

Nope! As your sister might get a few hours to herself every other weekend that you don't get, but she is on duty 100% of the time the rest of the fortnight. She cannot do anything at all for herself. I am single mum to a toddler here is what I can't or really struggle do during the week-

• have a bath
• exercise class
• just pop out to corner shop
• go to loo alone
• scroll my phone
• reply to messages
• tidy up
• clean

She is making all the kids meals, doing all ththe bath and bedtimes. No 'break' doing washing up while partner bathes the kids, that job just waits till later

They probably assume you get help from your DH. Don't you?

I would probably label your friend a coparent rather than a single mum

You still have choices. That's my point. That's why it's different. Whatever the reason your husband isn't around you can change it, if it's that important to you. Either way its a choice you make, which as a single parent you don't have.

You'd think so wouldn't you - apart from the fact that he is useless, as I said. I really think he only has them that much because it benefits him financially. And I think a lot of people are in that situation with their (usually male) ex partners.

I definitely see her as a single mum.

Apologies as I'm sure this point will have been made but for me, the SP thing is less about what "time off" I get once a month for a couple of days max and more about the fact that I have to struggle through my teen ND kids' assessments, behaviour, school refusal, lack of independence, fear of vaccines, dentists, new experiences, sensory overload by myself. They are in mainstream school, "high functioning" but so many things that ought to just happen don't or take a huge mental effort from me (I also work ft). Dad is minimally involved and has no useful input on any of the above. I'm no expert, I have no idea what to do or say to them to get them to do X, but I do wish all of that wasn't on me. Well meaning relatives talk and listen but always end by saying "it's up to you, you know best" and I want to scream that no I don't, I'm fucking terrified of getting this wrong (again) and looking back seeing clearly I should have done Y. I have no partner in parenting and the weight of that is fucking heavy and not alleviated by time to go to the pub once a month.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum she has every weekend! 12pm Saturday to 7pm Sunday (when her dc is in bed)

Yanbu - it shouldnt be a default assumption that being separated from your kids father is automatically harder, that you must have less money, less time.

I know several women i'll refer to as "co-parents". They are divorced, but receive a big slug of cms due to high earning exes, their ex takes DC for an overnight every week plus every other weekend & splits childcare costs so they are able to work & have decent careers.

They have it easier than other married friend. Her & partner on low wages & topping up with second jobs. Have basically no time or money.

You can't make assumptions - every situation is different.

*. I am single mum to a toddler here is what I can't or really struggle do during the week-

• have a bath
• Go to loo alone*

This is any parent of small kids from 8am to 6pm while partner at work. For me it was from 7.30 til 7.30pm due to DH commute & working hours.

Can't you have a bath in the evening when toddler is in bed?

• *scroll my phone
• reply to messages
• tidy up
• clean

Most parents do all these things every single day with toddlers underfoot.

Often if you have a partner and two kids you never quite get a chunk of child free time - you often end up taking a child each.

No the bath running wakes him up 🙈