to think people automatically think single parents have no free time compared to married couples… but it’s actually not the case

[Treeplll]

Basically my sister and I each have a two year old. I’m married and sister is a single parent. Her ex husband sees their daughter usually at weekends. Sometimes she will go with them it going somewhere nice or she’ll have the day with a friend etc, hairdressers. My husband works shifts and I haven’t had a day to myself for 7 months. He also gets back late so rarely does bedtime.

Anyway, getting to the point…our parents are very elderly and can’t help practically, but they are ALWAYS saying at social events how resilient and great my sister is … I know being a single parent is hard I used to be one! But AIBU to think sometimes as a single parent you get more of a break?! I have zero credit for doing it all and I do… not because my husband is shit but because of his work pattern!

im probably having a bad week this week but I just feel nobody notices it at all, anyone who is a single parent is automatically seen as stretched for time etc yet my sister has had several hair appointments and catch up with friends in the last month… that’s a once every few months thing for me!!!

I think this response nails it. But is not about the reality, its about how your parents comments make you feel. The sibling rivalry books recommend not overtly praising one child in front of the other for this reason- it causes resentment! You could say that you admire your sister as well but life is also tough for you in the parenting trenches with a DH working shifts and ask them to validate that too a little bit? They may have no idea of the impact of their comments

It’s not a competition. The amount of free time your sister does or doesn’t have makes zero difference to you or your amount of free time. The resentment you feel for her, however, does impact on you.

If you haven’t had any time to yourself in 7 months it is in fact because your husband is shit and not his work pattern. He doesn’t work 24/7 7 days a week.

This.

OK so maybe he misses bedtime but where is he when he's not working?

You just sound like you have a shit husband tbh. So many men out there choose to work hours that somehow means they can't take responsibility for their own dc/home and appear to care even less about their partners drowning in responsibilities. I can see why you feel bitter but I think you're aiming it at the wrong person. Without exception my married friends get plenty child free time, regular holidays and weekends away sans DH/DC. Much more than I get as a LP.

It's always harder to appreciate other people's situation. The big issue is that his working hours do not suit your family. If you are able to get help by having a cleaner or outsourcing things I would. If your household income won't accommodate that then he needs to look at changing his job to suit your family. I appreciate that won't be easy but something has to give and you need clear, open dialogue with each other to achieve this.

What needs to change to make your life a little better OP eg DH putting a wash on, or you getting a lie in once a week, or you getting a couple of hours child free to visit friends on a weekend (I’m guessing here but you get my point). I would start there with little improvements, if you can chip away on things that are weighting you down you’ll be able to start tackling the bigger things too soon.

It’s not your sister’s fault that you don’t make time for yourself. I think you need to talk to your husband.

I have a great DH who really did share care but do know women whose partners were useless. I also know some single parents. I bet you have the odd laugh in the evening and he makes you the occasional cup of tea. The single parents I know felt very lonely after the kids went to bed as no one to just share the small things with. Just laughing at some crap on the tv or having a complain when some MP or idiot pops up on the news.

The issue is really your husbands shift patterns, what are they?

You have no idea.

At all.

I found when l became a single parent ..100% better.. mainly because l wasn't with my mentally abusive ex.
But l only had my daughters to think about.. concentrate on.. only their clothes to wash and their meals to make.
Was so much easier due to the peace.
We were very poor though..
Back in those days any child maintenance you got.. they took from your benefits..
I worked part time while on benefits but l was only allowed to earn a certain amount of money ..any over they took off you.. about half..
It's not like now with UC.
But we were much happier.
I had my Mum to help and my eldest daughter saw her Dad and Grandparents every weekend and holidays and they treat my second daughter just the same.
Yes l did have loads of free time on a weekend.. sometimes l enjoyed it and met up with friends..but sometimes l was lonely with my daughters.. we would make picnics and go to the park ...Go swimming and on cheap day coach trips to the coast.
They are now adults with kids of their own and they always say we had great times ..just us three.. and we did.
My eldest is a single parent to three teenagers now.. she works full time.. and she honestly prefers being a single parent and has loads of free time.

My husband works shifts and I haven’t had a day to myself for 7 months.

Nah, that's taking the piss unless he works 7 days a week?

So many MNetters with husbands who 'work very hard' so they get a free pass, and never have their kids alone or even lift a finger around the house.

Convenient.

I do get what you mean. Some weekends when my toddler was particularly feral and I was bickering with my OH I would fantasise about being a separated parent. It seemed like a pretty good deal. A predictable, guilt free break from parenting every other weekend and no other adult to have to compromise with throughout the week.

It sounds like you’re working exceptionally hard at the moment to hold the family together. Shift work is horrendous and unless your husband is making massively more money than he would doing a normal
9-5 I would strongly suggest to you that it is not worth it. I gave up shift work so I could be around more for my family. Perhaps he could be picking up more of the chores? Sit down together and write a list. How much of the meal prep, cleaning, laundry etc is he responsible for?

I'm a single parent to a 12 year old SEN child and she doesn't see her dad at all, he lost interest in her a long time ago. I have zero breaks, not even school as she does her mainstream school work at home (that's a whole other post...), and I work full time (thankfully, WFH). My parents don't help. So no, not all single parents are not better off time-wise, it's not a 'one size fits all' equation.

You can't generalise on a topic like this, because individual situations vary so much.

I have a 50/50 co-parenting arrangement with my ex husband and get eow to myself and half the week. I don't feel stretched and get quality time with dd when I have her, and also quality time to myself/to socialise. However, my friend's ex husband doesn't bother seeing the kids. She does it all on her own, day in/day out, without any breaks. One of her children is severely ND, which comes with extra challenges. Our experiences of single parenthood are night and day.

Being a single parent through the early years is the hardest thing I ever did and way harder than all my friends in couples seemed to have it. Until you've experienced it you have no idea. That doesn't mean what you're going through isn't difficult also. But imagine being the only one to organise every single thing for your child, never getting a break or being able to go out in the evening, being the sole breadwinner and all the stress that comes from that on top of raising a child, the only person to cook dinner, do the school run and so on and when you are sick there is nobody to help out. The only person to do DIY, the only person who does anything. You're essentially doing double what any regular parent does, and without a break to recover. Please don't make judgements on how "easy" it is to be a single parent without knowing how bloody hard it is. relentless, stressful, exhausting, depressing, confining, lonely and and also my health has significantly been affected by it over the years.

Doesn't mean you're not under stress or that relationships don't have stressful things but I would never go through what I did again out of choice because it's "easier" for more imaginary "freetime" (not true).

I'm sorry you are having a bad week. If your kids are younger it's definitely harder.
Like others have said, unless your husband is working 70 plus hours a week or constant nights maybe could you divide time a bit better.
I'm in the situation where my kids go to their dads a couple of nights a week but I don't feel like I get a huge amount more time then married people do- the mental load is massive

I think there's a massive difference between SINGLE parents and CO parents.
My sister is a co-parent and she's often moaning about how hard her life is as a single parent but honestly she only has the kids 50% of the time, and her ex has them the other 50%. She gets frequent holidays with just her and her boyfriend - I've never even had a night off. And when she does have them she's living with her boyfriend who will happily watch the kids for her for an hour or so if she needs to go out to the shops or whatever. Whereas I'm on my own with the kids from 7am to about 8pm (and yes I work while they're at school) because DH works long hours and we never get time alone as a couple.
If I'm honest her moaning winds me right up!

It depends on the situation. My boys' dad has never even met them and doesn't contribute financially. One of my boys is severely disabled. I don't have much in the way of family support. I haven't had a break in 10 years.
The difference here is options. I have none. You and your husband do. He could change shifts, get a different job, pull his weight at home. There are both things you could do to make sure you get a break, but, for whatever reason, you aren't.
This is nothing to do with single parents vs married parents, this is about your DH.

A lot of people will disagree with you, but I get where you are coming from. You never have gone when you are totally child-free, whilst your sister does.

No I've noticed the exact opposite, my children's father isn't involved at all, he has never once had them overnight and we split 7 years ago but many people assume I get every other weekend off because that's what "most" single parents get, I've never had a night to myself.

Definitely agree it depends on the circumstances, I have a friend who lives with her mum and dad, 2 children, 1 is a young adult the other doesn’t see her dad. she doesn’t have to do any cooking or cleaning, I doubt she’s ever cooked her children a meal, her mum
does school pick up and drop offs, and she doesn’t have bills to pay food shop etc. she has time to go to the gym on a morning before work, beauty appointments in the middle of the day, disposable cash to have shopping sprees. I have 2 children, married, work part time husband works full time, I have no time to do any of the above, mainly because of my husband’s working hours but also because I’m knackered. She doesn’t understand when I can’t afford a weekend away. But I have to hear about how hard she’s got it as a single parent. Some single parents will have it easy, some won’t, some married couples will have it easy, again some won’t

No, single people do not have more time.

No, married/partnered people do not have more time.

There's no absolute. There are 1000 variables that impact every situation from involvement of the other parent (together or not), to finances, to work situations etc. I am married, and I get plenty of time off. i have married friends who barely get to have a cup of coffee alone. I know single parents who have a great balance as a result of sufficient finances and an involved ex/help from family, and single parents who are on their knees doing it all.

In your case, it's a pity that your parents don't see you struggling. But that is not a uniquely single/not single situation.

I've always found the opposite actually. I've been a single parent for 14 years. If i had a pound for every time someone assumed I had EOW off. Or got loads of maintenance I could have afforded a babysitter once in a while.

My married brother is adamant he and his wife have it harder as they have more DC than me. (They have 3, I have 2). I pointed out that at least one of them could pop to the shop without taking everyone with them.

I don't actually think I had it harder really. But the assumption that they have any idea how relentless single parenting is is laughable.

You have access to emotional support she doesn't. For me that's always the biggest difference. In a couple you have that possibility- as a single/ loan/ co parent you do r. All your decisions, all the time are into yours. There is never any support.