to think people automatically think single parents have no free time compared to married couples… but it’s actually not the case

[Treeplll]

Basically my sister and I each have a two year old. I’m married and sister is a single parent. Her ex husband sees their daughter usually at weekends. Sometimes she will go with them it going somewhere nice or she’ll have the day with a friend etc, hairdressers. My husband works shifts and I haven’t had a day to myself for 7 months. He also gets back late so rarely does bedtime.

Anyway, getting to the point…our parents are very elderly and can’t help practically, but they are ALWAYS saying at social events how resilient and great my sister is … I know being a single parent is hard I used to be one! But AIBU to think sometimes as a single parent you get more of a break?! I have zero credit for doing it all and I do… not because my husband is shit but because of his work pattern!

im probably having a bad week this week but I just feel nobody notices it at all, anyone who is a single parent is automatically seen as stretched for time etc yet my sister has had several hair appointments and catch up with friends in the last month… that’s a once every few months thing for me!!!

I hear you. I had absolutely no time to myself when in a relationship I did everything. Then single I suddenly had weekends off was a striking difference. Then the dad decided he wants his weekends and I'm back to doing everything. It's less work single however as I don't have a man child to pick up after.

But a decent partner and father would make life easier than if I were single.

Everyone's situation is different we shouldn't judge or be resentful. I would raise with your partner you need some time to yourself. Shifts or not he's not working 24/7 he can step up somewhat

Your friends are lucky as it's not usual that exes split childcare and pay maintenance

Yes this

I'm still missing your point, as I believe you're saying, I have the choice to leave DH and let him have the children EOW for example?

Then I'd get my break. Which would be lovely.

Which is kind of the point of the thread, I'd get more of a break being a co-parent. People are insisting this isn't true and that people who don't look after their children full time are still "doing everything."

I'd have one hell of an easier life. Not a happier one, but an easier one.

I've been in both situations

I became widowed when my boys were very young. My own family lived thousands of miles away so no support from them. It was so difficult and so v lonely at times. Everything rested on me financially, physically and emotionally

When my husband was fit n well he was an amazing support and was truly my soul mate......but life was not without difficulties

I think we can all be a bit judgemental at times (myself included).......but if we can try to be encouraging and lend a helpful ear, it goes a long way........ and OP it prob does get a little frustrating that you don't get time to yourself

That, or he could change jobs, work different shifts. The point is that you are not solely responsible for all childcare + finances + admin + the emotional impact of making every choice for your child and their future, as well as dealing with the potential fall out that a relationship breakdown/partner dying has on the child. It's not just the lack of childcare and time alone that impacts on a single parent. Easier depends completely on your point of view, and the place you are starting from. And you are presuming that your DH would have them every other weekend, which is not the case for most single parents I know.

Everyone’s situation is different. There are some single mums who definitely have good set in stone contact arrangements that their children’s father sticks to. Those single mums can make
plans easily and be confident that they will have some regular respite. Added bonus is when their children’s father is easy to co parent with, pays maintenance, doesn’t hassle the mum for “help” on his contact time, knows it’s also his job as a parent to help with school work/take them to hobbies/buy extras/take them to parties/appointments etc… Those single mums definitely live in a healthy situation.

There are some single mums though that might as well be called lone parents. They definitely don’t get a breaks physically or mentally because their children’s father is so lacking in everything in terms of regular contact, providing financially, and everything else.

Then there are some single mums who are a bit in the middle. Their children’s father has them EOW but doesn’t do much else. The break they are looking forward to could be pulled from under their feet quite easily too.

In all cases though, all of those single mums are much better off than a mum who is in a miserable relationship.

Whatever, OP. I have been a single parent for 15 years. Sure, I get the odd night to myself. And I clean, tidy, sort life admin. I actually worked every other weekend, on top of my full time week day job, for a number of years to help financially. I still have ad-hoc work available to me which I have to take to help with the general cost of living. I have to manage a household on one wage - no support from the ex for his children. I have all of the stresses of being a parent and no one to discuss it with. No one to cry on. No emotional support. Just me.

I don't think single parents always realise that juggling /making space for a relationship is also demanding sometimes when you have kids
LOL. Just LOL. Most single parents weren't always single. And the vast majority go on to have additional live-in relationships where they have to juggle the demands of two sets of children and 2 sets of partners. It's hardly a walk in the park, is it?

No, I'm not presuming he would have them eow.

I'm saying (the thread is saying) that if he did, I'm not "doing it all" as I don't have my children in effect 1 day out of every week. And whilst people like to scoff at that as "nothing" it's 52 days a year. Just short of a couple of months. That's a lot of time. And there are co parents who have more than eow contact. Yet the resident parent still says they do it all.

A lone parent, is someone with zero presence from the other parent. They do it all. Even if they receive CMS, they still do everything.

Difficulty is, both camps call themselves single parents, but those in the former have it far easier than the latter.

She has her child 5 and a half days per week without another parent as back up or support.

@Treeplll You haven’t explained if your husband works 7 days per week for 12 hours per day. You’re angry and resentful towards your sister. Where the heck is your husband in your life?

@Tahinii yep, like me when DH is at work!

I cannot believe you’re comparing being a single
parent to having a husband who works. Have you been a single parent?! You’re so bitter, it will eat you up.

In the same way once your child is in school you're not 'doing it all'? Very very few people are genuinely doing 100% of the care of their children unless they are very small babies.

The problem is that there are so very many variables. My ex has my dd 8hrweekweek (when I have to work to support them), my ds never (ds's choice). Never overnight. Does that make me a single or loan parent? He sees her. And pays 200 a month maintenance for the 2 of them. He has no input in their day to day lives. My DS has autism and learning disabilities, my ex has no idea what's happening in his life at all. He doesn't try and contact him or attempt to be a part of his life. I do everything for them. He has far less input in my kid's lives than their teachers do. Is that parenting? I would say not, so at what point does it become parenting? Or does that not matter, because he does pay something towards them?

My ex had the DC for approximately 6 hours per week. If I was lucky he'd feed them lunch and dinner, but it was often only dinner. Even at age 12/13 they were being given the same size portions as their toddler siblings so had to eat again when they came home.

I was definitely "doing it all"

Married people vs single people
Married parents vs Single parents
Lone parents vs Single parents
Single parents with financial support vs those without
On And on, etc etc and so forth and so on…

Everyone’s circumstances differ. Your difficult is different to mine.

Dad having the children at the weekend doesn’t mean she’s less resilient. Maybe as a single parent she has learnt time management, so is able to go out.

You shouldn’t have a husband and spare income and not be able to make time for a haircut or a coffee. Unless you’re saying he works every hour of everyday and the children are always at home with you alone.

I was at the hairdresser last year and there was a nursing mom with her husband and toddler in tow. When the baby had nursed, he took them for a walk up and down the high street.

If your children are in nursery or school, you prioritise time to do something for yourself. And the point of your husband is to help you get this time.

Being a single parent is so much easier than being married to someone who doesn’t pull their weight and you have to do everything for aswell.

I definitely got more of a break once I got divorced because I didn’t get one at all before and I had to pick up after a grown adult which built resentment.

YANBU - For some single parenthood is harder, for others it is easier.

No. It's not the same. And you say you were a single parent? I seriously doubt that.

No, it's not the same as when you put your child in school. That's not in the care of a parent, nor is it of an extended period that would actually give a working parent a break, because they are at work.

I didn't realise such common sense would be deliberately ignored. It's pretty obvious we are talking about when a parent takes a child for a decent period, ie overnight, which enables the other parent to rest, to catch up on admin, to not be on call to a child, to book appointments, to see a friend, sleep properly or lie in.

Our DTwins are in nursery. I work 4 days a week. The 5th day, they still go to nursery and I do things like make all the phonecalls I need too. Because it's the only 6hr slot in the 7 day week that I can call whichever company without noise, interruption etc. The amount I can achieve in that 6hrs is frankly staggering. And that's through paid childcare. Co parents get this free. For much longer usually. Lone parents could pay the same as we do.

Single parent here, 50%. I definitely get more time to myself than when I was married.

That said, half of the week it's impossible for me to do something like nip to the shop for milk, work 10 mins late, accept requests for work travel or any socialising, no matter how important. I turned down a job offer a while ago for 10k more because I couldn't commit to working away from home. So it's swings and roundabouts really.

so tell your husband he needs to step up and do more, that you have to do everything by yourself and you might as well be a single parent. Well, apart from his pay cheque, which your sister doesn't get the equivalent of.

Why has he worked every day for the last 7 months with no time off? And if he has indeed had time off, why can't you have time to yourself?

Surely this depends on the DH? Some do actually help out and pay half or more for everything. Others, yes, you might as well be single parents.
As mothers we need to teach our DS's that women won't put up with less. Harder if your current DH is doing the bare minimum and you are not leading by example.

No, not like you when he’s at work, she has no one else to talk to about any worries with dc, she had no one coming home each evening, she has no one if she’s unwell to help with the kid at night, she has no one to help make decisions with. It’s not the same. Your problem is your husband.

You are ridiculous. Your problem is your marriage isn’t working to facilitate the family set up that you want.
That doesn’t mean you should be acknowledged for how hard you have it versus your single parent sister. That means you need to sort out your family set up to work for you better. Massive difference.
Start focusing on the right things and you will be happier.

Saying "single parents have..." is like saying "size-6 shoed people have..." There is a huge range of people in the bracket of single parenthood. Lifestyle, income, outgoings, savings, debts, social network, reason for single parenthood, emotional state, number and age of kids, career, family, age, health etc. will all vary hugely from person to person as they would across any other demographic of society.

You are tired, but your sister's single parenthood is not the cause of your workload, or your DH's shift patterns and saying she hasn't got it as hard as you is not going to cure your problems.