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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 21:57

Appreciate everyone thinks about this differently but for people asking “why would you thank them the next day as well”, usually the reason, as well as being polite and wanting to acknowledge the host’s efforts, is that it’s an opportunity to comment briefly on something you found particularly nice when there wasn’t an opportunity at the time (because of general chat) or it let’s you comment or follow up on some point of conversatio that was interrupted.

Edited to say: that makes it sound awkwardly formal but in reality would be simple like, “loved the coffee cake and here’s the link you were after”

m00rfarm · 21/04/2024 22:00

The point here is not whether you agree that they should or should not send a text (in my view they should). The point is that for every other occasion thanks have been posted on the whatsapp group - and silence for this occasion.

DGPP · 21/04/2024 22:03

I always send a follow up text the next day, even if I have said thank you as I left. I think it’s polite and nice to say thanks again and what you enjoyed. Everybody in my social circle do the same

ichundich · 21/04/2024 22:04

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

I totally agree, OP. The polite thing would be to send a thank you message after getting home or the next morning. In my experience it's usually the same people who say thank / don't say thank you. Sometimes it's cultural, but English people should know better.

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 22:07

You may get a message when people are back at their desks tomorrow morning op.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 21/04/2024 22:10

They obviously all said thank you as they left last night

Why do you need more?

KindaBinding81 · 21/04/2024 22:10

I think you're massively overreacting (so I really wouldn't raise this with your friends!).

I'm also a bit confused about numbers - you say it's just three couples - I assume that includes you and DH?

If so, then was it you two, another couple plus one of the other couple, so five people?

If so, then you're upset that you didn't receive two texts to thank you the next day - one from one of the couple and one from the lone person who came?

Jeez...

Maelil01 · 21/04/2024 22:10

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 21:19

Each to their own but I don’t think saying thank you when you leave is enough when someone has invited you to their home and shopped, cooked and served three courses. It’s expensive to host a dinner party nowadays and takes a lot of effort.

I would usually send a text or an email thanking the host the next day, or put a thank you card through their door if they lived locally.

People are not taught good manners any more, YANBU op.

I guess the only difference here might be that if this is part of a series of meet ups, and you were filling in a gap as it were, your guests might have framed this in their minds as “regular meet up” rather than “special night out”.

💯
Manners are becoming a thing of the past. It’s very sad.

Noyok · 21/04/2024 22:10

I have always followed up with a text,call or card to thank people for hospitality or a special treat /theatre etc . It’s definitely what we do amongst our family and friendship groups.

Teddleshon · 21/04/2024 22:12

For a formal dinner I would always write a thank you note and for something informal would always send a text the following morning. We entertain a lot and it is very rare that I don’t get a text at least.

Remoteaccess · 21/04/2024 22:15

Absurdgiraffe · 21/04/2024 21:21

They did thank you.

I would send a card rather than text, though.

Card is weird sorry , text next day definitely appreciated though

BotterMon · 21/04/2024 22:19

I'm with you OP. I would definitely send a Whatsapp next day to thank a host. It's a lot of work and expense, not to mention stress, to host. Manners makyth man (and woman)

Tahinii · 21/04/2024 22:19

I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t get a thank you text but equally, I always send a thank you text - either later that evening or sometime the next day. Just an extra little acknowledgement is kind. All my friends do it too.

BodyKeepingScore · 21/04/2024 22:21

Do you expect people to say things twice usually before you take them on board?

ouch321 · 21/04/2024 22:23

Odd thread.
They said thank you at the time.
Did it come across as insincere or something?
Otherwise there is no good reason to expect them to repeat themselves.
You sound as if you're looking for a reason to be narky with them.

Original poster
Sosospring · 21/04/2024 22:23

As mentioned earlier, I'm not even British and I don't do cards at all, for birthdays, Christmas etc. cards are a very British and formal thing. But I do text and I call and I reach out to people individually to show them I care and I remember. I'm in my 40s, I'm not old. I really think it's about this extra individual touch to reach out and say thank you for all the work you've put it, we've noticed it and we appreciate it. I know this is why do it. Saying thank you as you leave the house at 1am semi drunk, struggling to put your coat or shoes on... I'm sorry but it's just not the same. I don't think it's about being formal, it's about being cultured and well mannered. It's never even crossed my mind not to do it! I text to say thank you even after the evening when I didn't have fun or didn't enjoy much, because the people still made the effort

OP posts:
PurplePumkin · 21/04/2024 22:24

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

Awh maybe they thought it was a 💩 evening then. What’s not being British have to do with the price of fish?

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2024 22:25

Agree op very rude

Noseybookworm · 21/04/2024 22:43

They already said thank you in person. Why should they then text to thank you again? It was totally your choice to cook 3 courses from scratch and buy expensive wine!

PoppyCherryDog · 21/04/2024 23:15

They said thank you though. If I’d already said thank you in person then I wouldn’t say it again in a text…

AliTheMinx · 21/04/2024 23:18

YANBU. It's incredibly poor manners. Like you, I would always follow up with a text/thank you note.

FollowTheFuckingInstructions · 21/04/2024 23:19

FiveShelties · 21/04/2024 21:17

Before texts I would have rung or sent a thank you card.@SmallIslander

This.

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/04/2024 23:24

Did they bring anything with them
Like flowers or a bottle op ?

Golftennis · 22/04/2024 00:13

are you French op?

@Sosospring

Agapornis · 22/04/2024 00:14

Depends on the culture. In my experience, it's 50/50 whether you'll get a thank you from Dutch people. I think it's rude not to, but clearly not everyone feels the same.