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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 21/04/2024 21:36

It wouldn't occur to me to say thank you again by text the next day unless I had something else I wanted to say, when I would include another thanks for the event. I usually comment favourably on the food anyway as I'm eating and then do a general thank you as I leave. The main thing is you all had a good time - that's what it is all about. Meals do take a lot of preparation but if everyone has their turn over time, then all appreciate the effort involved.

RampantIvy · 21/04/2024 21:36

They have thanked you.

Original poster
Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

OP posts:
Sagarmatha · 21/04/2024 21:37

I thank anyone who feeds me in writing. Otherwise, why should they bother. It's just common courtesy.

shepherdsangeldelight · 21/04/2024 21:38

I wonder if your friends realised that it was a "dinner party" and not just a meal at their friends' house? Perhaps that makes a difference in the level of thanks given versus that expected?

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:38

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

Have you heard from them at all? Is there a chance they've all come down ill?

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:38

Sagarmatha · 21/04/2024 21:37

I thank anyone who feeds me in writing. Otherwise, why should they bother. It's just common courtesy.

I will start doing this with my husband

shepherdsangeldelight · 21/04/2024 21:40

Sagarmatha · 21/04/2024 21:37

I thank anyone who feeds me in writing. Otherwise, why should they bother. It's just common courtesy.

<stops feeding children immediately>

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 21/04/2024 21:41

YeahComeOnThen · 21/04/2024 21:29

I don't see it as a kind thing to do & it's certainly not kind if it's expected.

its not about how long it takes, its about it being entirely unnecessary between real friends

Show quote history

Each to their own. I thanked my mates for coming last night to watch my band. They all made an effort to come, said thanks at the time and again today. They wouldn't have minded me not but it's the way we are. We are all very close friends and see each other a couple of times a week and text most days.

ohtowinthelottery · 21/04/2024 21:42

I'd be miffed too. In our circle, there's always a WhatsApp 'thanks for a lovely evening and delicious food/great hospitality' message the following day, regardless of thanking the hosts as you left.
We're 60 so it may be a generation thing although we have good friends in their 40s who also message.

Notreat · 21/04/2024 21:42

Surely saying thank you when they left is thanking you. I'm not sure why they need to thank you again the next day

Isittimeformynapyet · 21/04/2024 21:42

Pomegranatecarnage · 21/04/2024 21:28

In my friendship group we always say thanks on the night and then follow up with messages of thanks and appreciation the following day.

Mine too.

Of course everyone says thank you as they leave, but if you've really had a great evening you'd still be grateful the next day.

I think a text afterwards feels like a more considered and genuine sign of appreciation.

I wouldn't necessarily notice if I didn't get one though.

Bumblebeeinatree · 21/04/2024 21:43

Never would expect more than a thank you on the night, hopefully the food or xxx was delicious would be nice. Anything more and I would have to be thanking them for their thanks....

IfIwasrude · 21/04/2024 21:44

I always write a note and post it.

pictoosh · 21/04/2024 21:45

And then there is just endless thanking.

Fgs.

They said thank you. They meant it.

Original poster
Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:46

exactly this @ohtowinthelottery ... exactly this.... AND we are in our 40s! And not British! i think it's just about humans appreciating other humans doing things for them. AND... we text the same friends who came round to thank them whenever they invite us!

OP posts:
Waitingfordoggo · 21/04/2024 21:46

I would usually send a text the next day saying ‘Thanks again for a lovely evening and the efforts you went to with the great food etc Our turn to host next time!’ But I wouldn’t be put out to not receive such a text from guests- I wouldn’t expect it.

Mrsphilmiller · 21/04/2024 21:49

Message them and say “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY THANK YOU MESSAGE??”

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/04/2024 21:50

EmmaEmerald · 21/04/2024 21:13

I’ve kind of been you OP

i have learned that my ideas on thanks are old fashioned and nobody cares if you’ve cooked. I won’t be bothering again even if I do find new friends.

That’s a shame. I think it’s more your idea of formally thanking people the next day that is the old fashioned thing rather than the gratitude itself. I would always profusely thank someone for their hospitality when I leave. I wouldn’t necessary thank them again by text next day though if I was then occupied all day.

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:51

Did you say anything controversial last night?

WimpoleHat · 21/04/2024 21:54

ohtowinthelottery · 21/04/2024 21:42

I'd be miffed too. In our circle, there's always a WhatsApp 'thanks for a lovely evening and delicious food/great hospitality' message the following day, regardless of thanking the hosts as you left.
We're 60 so it may be a generation thing although we have good friends in their 40s who also message.

Same here (in my 40s) - would always send a “thanks for a lovely evening” text if someone had cooked for me. And have always received one if I’ve been the host.

Maddy70 · 21/04/2024 21:54

They thanked you on leaving. Why would they do it a second time?

Moonshine5 · 21/04/2024 21:54

There's a classic Seinfeld episode (comedy) about this. The recipient thanks the person profusely at the time however the person is insulted not to receive further thanks.
It's ridiculous. It was a meal (with effort that you offered).

Moonshine5 · 21/04/2024 21:55

They thanked you

darkchocolatecoffee · 21/04/2024 21:56

I usually send a message when I get home that day or the next day to say thank you.

Thank you at the time is the bare minimum - and I think it shows the gratitude by sending a thoughtful message like ‘thanks for having us over. We really enjoyed XX that you made - would love the recipe. Can’t wait to catch up next time’ (only if I do want the recipe!)

Out of my circle, some do this and some don’t (and I don’t take offence to those who don’t because there’s no bad intent just a different way of communication)