To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

[Sosospring]

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

My parents used to send flowers the following day as a thank you if it was a reasonably formal/ several course thing.

I would always send a follow up text or email simply because the thank yous at the end are normally issued in a flurry of departure and good byes when the host is retrieving people’s coats etc , and the act of thinking of them next day signifies lasting gratitude. And it’s so easy to do …. So why not ? It only had to be a line.

I would text and be put out too op.

I had a phone call a week later from a family member to say thanks for a lunch we cooked. Maybe your thanks are just running a bit late?

I’d only do this if someone had taken on the task of booking it/ inviting us all/ liaising re timing etc. But yes, if they’d done that, I would.

But going out is entirely different from organising something at your home. Most parents of my dcs’ friends send a quick “ little Johnny had a wonderful time!” text next day even for a children’s party.

This

i think it's just about humans appreciating other humans doing things for them. AND... we text the same friends who came round to thank them whenever they invite us!

THEY DID THANK YOU!

They appreciated what you did for them. You sending a text the next day is up to you. It's not mandatory and actually doesn't mean much appreciation wise, especially if you do it automatically anyway. It's just a habit. They appreciated it in the moment and they thanked you. You're being ridiculous and not actually being a great host getting all "we did all this for them and they didn't thank us enough". You did it by choice, no one made you, and - one again - they did thank you. That should be the end of it.

Because it takes 5 seconds and will make your friend/host feel appreciated

Because it's polite

Clearly it does mean a lot. To many people.

Realistically though the host moves on less quickly as they are doing the washing up etc next day… It’s lovely to get a text during that process .

I think you’re right to be disappointed OP. A text thanking you for hosting the evening is entirely appropriate.

Everyone says ‘thank you’ automatically as they leave. As someone above said, it’s normally done in a flurry of finding coats and goodbyes.

To say thanks the next day with a quick text shows that you’re really acknowledging the effort the meal took and are grateful. It adds a personal touch and makes the host feel appreciated. I’m always really happy to receive such a text and I’d notice if someone didn’t send one.

What is the point of saying thank you in a text when they had already said thank you in person?
I don't get it.

Text at the very least, card if I was in the mood.
I would also have taken flowers or something with me for the host, not the meal.
55 grew up on council estate.

Nor me!
She was thanked for the evening.
Why isn't that enough?

Clearly it does mean a lot. To many people.

Eesh well fine then, go ahead and get all upset about the lack of a text and let it cast a pall over what was actually a nice evening when the guests did thank them. I'd prefer to feel glad the night had gone really well and that i did get thanks but if people prefer to make a deal of a text and turn it into this big disappointment both in this friendship group and humanity overall, go for it.

People have become so addicted to the little dopamine spasms that their phones can give them that real life just doesn't cut it for them any more.
They need actual gratitude of actual people in the actual flesh to be replicated as a grotty little set of pixels , or they get jittery.

I don't understand how an oral thank you isn't a thank you.

They already said thank you on the night. Some people text the next day as well. I do sometimes but not always. The whole thing can then get a bit ‘thank you for the thank you’ and it’s not necessary.
We went to a party recently which was really nice - I thanked both hosts at the end of the evening. Big hugs etc. I gave a present - haven’t texted. These are good friends who host us a lot and we always take wine/chocs etc. (I invite them here but they seem to prefer us going there).

Exactly, @pinkdelight - focus on what a nice evening it was and how your friends appreciated it.

I would have sent a follow-up text too, to double acknowledge your effort.

Rude that one was yawning through being tired by work... didums, , you sort of make an effort to hold it together when out , and another with a 2 day hangover??

Don't give up on dinner parties, maybe invite different people, maybe it's time for new friends? ( meet-up app)

It is a thank you. I think this is a case of validation by phone update.

It they said thank you already. I’ve noticed a few school mums always text after a play date to say thank you when they’ve already said thank you, I find it a bit weird and over the top.

The text is just the modern way of saying thanks for a great evening. It used to be a card or a phonecall. It’s always been good manners to thank a host the day after they went to the effort of cooking for you.

How much effort and expense can a dinner party for 4 adults really be? A reasonably decent cook wouldn't exactly exhaust or bankrupt themselves to organise such an event to a high standard.
It's not a wedding for 400 people.

They already said thank you and, hopefully, have been gracious and complimentary about the meal during the evening.
No further texts required.

(The card thing after a dinner with close friends is just bonkers to my mind. I'm sure there must be 'thank you for sending me a card' cards in this country.!)

As a guest to a dinner party, I'd always take flowers and wine and some dessert item from a good independent cake shop. And would be genuine in my thanks to the host on arrival, during the meal and on leaving. I don't get drunk so it would be genuine and considerate and from the heart. Me writing a text or sending a card the next dat, would not be the real me, it wouldn't be a genuine gesture.

Actually I don’t think phones have precipitated a ramping up of thanks but rather the opposite: you can send a quick text where once you might have sent a card or phoned.

Manners ARE essentially things you don’t HAVE to do, but do do because they make people feel thought of, happy or at ease. You can pick your nose on the bus if you want. But it’s not good manners because it makes people feel disgust. When you strip manners out of life it starts to look a bit bleak in many places. Manners are among the little warm spots in life that make us feel pleased to be human. I don’t think phones have heralded the advent of manners - probably quite the opposite when you look at people in cafes not engaging but scrolling.