To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

[Sosospring]

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

I have to admit to not thinking that sending a text is such a great thing anyway. I mean if it was still etiquette to actually write a thank you card to the host of a dinner party, I'd slightly understand OP being annoyed at the lack of one.

But I can't see how getting a text saying "thanks for last night; we had a lovely evening" is particuarly indicative of your guests' appreciation on top of any verbal thanks they've already given.

This.

A thank you card is OTT in this day and age.

You are totally right to feel hacked off OP.

It Is absolutely rude not to follow up the next day with a thank you. Nonsense from the “if I said thanks on the way out the door that’s enough” brigade.

Really?

If you actually believe this you are totally deluded your friends think you’re mad cool and can’t wait to invite you again.

I think it’s very odd to expect a text the next day.

A fuss about nothing.

@Tarteline843

Or you know, people are less formal.

im 55, my friends & I enjoy each others company, we have different ways of doing this. Thankfully none of us make a Big Fat Fuss over it or demand multiple 'thank you's

I do it because it's a kind thing to do when some has spent all day making dinner/shopping/tidying up. It takes me less than ten seconds.

They literally thanked you when they left. Why on earth do they need to thank you again today?

In my friendship group we always say thanks on the night and then follow up with messages of thanks and appreciation the following day.

I am on the side of those saying that they did thank you in person. Did they bring something along too? Wine/flowers/whatever?

Did people send cards after a dinner invite pre text messages? I’m 40 and have no idea!

My parents I remember always called (landline) the day after to say thank you for a lovely night. I never got the point of it as they always said it before leaving the hosts.

Bottomline. We don't phone or txt the day after a dinner/other get together stuff.
We always say thank you before leaving. I don't expect more from family and friends than that.

@YeahComeOnThen I just like to thank someone the following day especially when they have gone to a lot of trouble. Just seems to be a very small and easy thing to do to show the host just how much it was appreciated. But as the thread shows we all have different ways of doing things.

I don't see it as a kind thing to do & it's certainly not kind if it's expected.

its not about how long it takes, its about it being entirely unnecessary between real friends

They all thanked you as they left. Would it have been a problem in the days without social media? If so don’t host again. I don’t see the problem myself but you obviously have a problem with it

I always think the follow up thank you text is so the host knows you haven't got the shits from their cooking. They might be sending you a card or flowers OP so a bit premature to think ill of them I think

"They obviously all said thank you as they left last night"

From the OP

Why does the thank you only count if it comes the next day?

I get that a "thanks again" the next day is nice, but your title implies that you haven't been thanked at all, which isn't true. You all had a great time and were thanked at the end of the end of the night.

@FiveShelties thank you for your polite response.

we'll have to agree to disagree though 😄

You say they all thanked you as they left. Why do you want to be thanked a second time?

When was it? We always send handwritten thanks by post, so maybe it hasn't arrived yet?

@Sosospring I just remembered something.

Last time, someone invited me over for dinner, I took a nice box of petit fours. She was very posh and rich.

my friend looked at the box and said “oh no, did you think we were cooking?”

turns out we were just getting takeaway.

I then realised her “come round for dinner“ invitation originally meant that we would get takeaway and all pay for our share?

She was embarrassed enough not to take any money. I did offer it.

It makes me wonder if I am hopelessly out of date.

This happened a few years ago and I’m now 48. She’s maybe 10 years older.

Also the last time I cooked for people, one person came round and said “oh my God, this is actual home cooking?” She was very pleased and said she’d not had it for ages! Took some home with her.

So yeah, I think we’re out of date. Sorry.

They did thank you!

It was a bloody dinner, not donation of a kidney ffs.

They obviously all said thank you as they left last night

Texts the next day are always going to be about personal habit than some accepted rule about etiquette - and I agree that if the meal is part of a bit of a rota then guests may feel the best thank you is to host their own night in turn.

I am assuming you text thank yous when others hosted but it's possible that if the majority of the group don't, everyone's just kind of accepted that as the status quo.

I am, however, enjoying the few posts on here that are lecturing others on manners in a rude and insulting ways. The irony is brilliant

I'd expect a little more than a text for a kidney donation. Perhaps a postcard