To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

[Sosospring]

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

@ilovegranny

”She used to buy me packs of thank you cards as a Christmas present!”

😂

There is nothing wrong with "old fashioned" and usually means good mannered.

Did they bring you flowers or chocs when they arrived? Because some people show their appreciation up front.

I wouldn't get too hung up on them not texting you the next day. You might find at the next group meal out together, that you receive compliments and appreciation for your meal.

But I suspect, if you usually go out to eat, some people may not be aware or familiar with how much effort goes into hosting a dinner party. It is hard work and a lot of planning, researching recipes, shopping, cleaning, cooking - and then cleaning up after everyone. And expensive.

But I'd wait until after your next meet up to decide whether you were appreciated or taken for granted. And then decide whether you can be bothered to host them again at yours.

Just send a text.

I think complaining about not receiving a thank you card - in real life, to someone’s face, not anonymously on Mumsnet - qualifies as equally poor manners.

Agree OldPerson as this is a regular meet-up situation, they may be waiting until the next occasion to say something.

It's just rude in my opinion. I always follow up with at least a text, and for something like a formal dinner party I'd send a thank you card too, as well as bringing flowers or wine on the day itself.
My other pet peeve is that children so rarely send a thank you of any kind after receiving birthday/Xmas gifts. In this day and age it doesn't need to be letter,a simple text or phone call would suffice, but often it's a deafening silence from both child and parent.

Old fashioned can definitely be wrong.

In this context of this thread, it can also mean unnecessary.

From Debretts to this poster😳!

I would have sent a thank you text the next day and would just consider that basic good manners for the effort and expense that's has been gone through.

BimbledAgain. Thank you.

MariaVT65 Good manners are never out of date in my part of town

But some things that were once viewed as good manners are no longer considered good manners (some might even now be considered offensive).

Obviously that isn’t the case in the context of the OP, but “old fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean “good mannered”.

Just to show manners have if anything become more elaborate. This is from 1962

If you host I think you have to enjoy the hosting and that's the pleasure. Watching people eat your food and relax and laugh - that's the best thank you.

It is really expensive hosting, so my mates will give me nice presents or they all contribute £20 and I'll buy all the food and booze. I also take requests for food!

Yes, it is good manners and etiquette to follow up the next day and just reiterate your gratitude and appreciation to your host. In the past it would have been a card but nowadays a text, email or phone call usually suffices.
If we stay over then I always send a card in the post!

I’d always send a thanks again message, especially if someone had made such an effort.

I agree with you OP - very bad manners. I always send a text thanking my host, companion or visitor e.g. ‘home safe and sound thanks for a lovely evening’ or ‘really nice to have spent the day together, appreciate you taking the time to come and visit’

Thank you, this is exactly the point i was trying to make. ‘Old fashioned’ can also be a negative thing, it certainly doesn’t mostly mean ‘good mannerer’. I had a go at my mum last week for having old fashioned views about women.

Out of curiosity, who are people having dinner parties with? Who are people inviting to their house?

I’m in my 30s and don’t really have ‘acquaintances’. I have very close friends, and we are very secure in our friendships. If we happen to have some free time the following day, we may text eachother anyway tbh. But to be all like ‘oh thank you so much again for such a wonderful evening etc’ would actually be a bit random and formal just for that purpose alone. I might say ‘how u doing today, how’s work, do u fancy doing something next week’, but probably more informal than that, and i may say ‘thanks again for last night’.

I think this also begs a wider question of what kind of hosting or favour or anything needs several thank yous. Someone hosting a meal doesn’t need to be showered in medals. Other people do nice things for their friends too and don’t need multiple thanks or thank you cards etc.

I'd probably send a text just to say great night last night, thanks again for having us... Although judging by the OP tiredness, yawns and hangovers probably didn't equate to a great night actually.

Maybe they wished you hadn't bothered so they could have stayed home.

Love this!
Here's the entry from my Debretts Guide to Modern Manners written 1992!

How can you not have acquaintances? Surely it’s normal to have a circle of close friends, and then a wider group of friends (who you may not have known a long time and aren’t quite so close), and then ‘acquaintances’ who you know to say hello to (through work for example).

Not everyone has their close friends living nearby. I’ve moved around a lot in life, and inviting people round for dinner (neighbours, mums you meet at the school gate, friends met through hobbies) is a nice way of getting to know people better. It doesn’t have to be formal.

Excellent! You mean 1962?