To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

[Sosospring]

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

It really isn’t the same.

You mention yawing and hangovers. Are you actually feeling a bit insecure about your night and therefore want further reassurance it went well?

I always text the next day - it takes just a minute and it’s nice to send through details of a restaurant you talked about or share a joke about the evening etc.

• It doesn’t matter whether people do or don’t thank each other in their particular group. The op has said that in this group, the norm IS to thank everyone the next day. The radio silence is odd op. I’d be worried about why too.*

Some people just need things to worry about I guess.

What I find sad is that manners are being replaced by this tendency to analyse everything in pseudo-psychological terms. “Needing validation.” It’s being thanked.

So many other examples of basic good manners come under fire as “passive aggressive.”

I found people going out of their way to do things for the gratification of being complimented and thanked quite a put off. It's really about them and what they get from their efforts rather than a genuine wish to please others.

They said thank you and that should be enough to show their appreciation. Anything else is about your own needs for self- acknowledgment.

People who get on in life socially tend to be those who think of others and have decent manners.

Hosting a meal means quite a lot of work and expense, a thank you text takes just 30 seconds. Is there anyone who would really object to receiving a kind and affectionate text the day after hosting friends?!

I think its not that people are not taught good manners, its that some good manners have changed. Also, as others have said, I think your group saw is as the usual get together. Even in the age where dinner parties a la Margo Ledbetter was a thing, I didn't expect a next day party thank you. I haven't voted Yanbu because it seems like its not something you are used to doing and therefore had expectations.

We do too.
And sometimes a thank you card.

I found people going out of their way to do things for the gratification of being complimented and thanked quite a put off. It's really about them and what they get from their efforts rather than a genuine wish to please others.

But that’s not the case for OP (or I would argue most people who host dinner parties or similar). They / we do it because they enjoy their company, and probably enjoy hosting.

It wouldn't occur to me to say thank you the next day when I'd already thanked the host the night before. I've also never received a thank you text the day after a dinner party.

But that’s not the case for OP (or I would argue most people who host dinner parties or similar). They / we do it because they enjoy their company, and probably enjoy hosting
And therefore a thank you on the day should be enough.

A 'thank you' is that. Not saying at all would be really ride but why the need to be told yet again the next day if it's not for self-gratification.

The choice of how much one wants to put in a dinner party is theirs. Thanks shouldn't be extra just because the host made the decision to go above what is expected.

i make every effort to thank people by text afterwards.

But personally I wouldn’t over think it.

They obviously all said thank you as they left last night

You’re being extremely unreasonable OP. How many thanks do you need? Let it go. Move on.

I'd actually find it start to get irksome if people kept sending me messages for things they'd already thanked me for - the scourge of modern life is that we are bombarded by communications and I'd like to have fewer, not more.

If it was a message that added something e.g. "thanks for a lovely evening; here's a link to that recipe we were talking about" then great. If it's simply to say "thanks for a lovely evening; we really enjoyed ourselves", then fine, but no need to bother (and particularly no need to bother if you expect me to respond to your thank you message in some way).

And if people are only sending these messages because they "should" (which is the word that most of the pro-texters have used) then the notion of gratitude becomes diminished anyway. I'd like people to thank me because they want to and genuinely had a lovely time and want to talk about it some more. Not because of "should".

Of course cultural norms are relevant in a situation like this. That is why the op posted.

Lack of manners fundamentally boils down to an inability to see things from another person’s pov.

Something that is increasingly apparent on this thread.

🤣 how anyone can be bothered with that level of social interaction after being at work all day is beyond me. Admittedly I have a pretty low social battery!

I think social media and watsapp add a whole new layer of fuckery to social etiquette tbh. They thanked you on the way out and your gut instinct tells you they had a laugh. Just let it go and take that as a win. There could be any number of reasons they didn't text but you all enjoyed socialising in the real world. You'll make yourself ill overthinking every social interaction especially the digital ones which are much more difficult to interpret. There's more important things going on in the world. Move on. If it makes you feel better then don't offer to host again but definitely don't make a drama out of this. Aint nobody got time for that.

OP I asked earlier but it may have got lost or you might have chosen not to answer.

Did you say anything controversial?
Have you heard from them since?
Is it possible they didn't like your food/it's made them ill?

I agree I think it’s good manners to message thankyou. BUT I think many would consider the thankyou the night before sufficent. And some would send a written card afterwards.

If it's the norm to send a next-day text amongst your friend group OP, I wouldn't necessarily expect it on Sunday but I think a text on Monday or Tuesday (as the week settles into normal life after weekend plans) is still within a reasonable timeframe.

And since you have a group chat going, you just know that as soon as the first one comes in, they'll all follow suit quite quickly.

I wouldn't write them all off just yet.

I agree @Sosospring we even thank people via text the when there is no hosting involved. Eg) going out to a comedy club or restaurant. We always message and say "thanks for a great evening" when we are home or the next day

I don’t think it’s anything like that. You would t not thank for food just because you didn’t like it ( although who knows: maybe that’s now deemed to be “gaslighting” the host 🤣🙄)

As many on here have said, many don’t bother with follow up thanks. I suspect OP is perfectly aware of that; but sometimes other people’s behaviour does grate / leave you feeling rubbish when it’s not how you would behave to them. Hence the reachIng out on here.

I don't like the sneering / judgement from the "you have no manners" brigade

Well if you have no manners people will judge!