To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

[Sosospring]

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

For us, it is usual to phone up to two days or three days later.
I would always phone and thank in person.

I think thank you at the door is enough. Depends how close you are to them especially the wife? If you text a lot she could have thanked you, but if youre not then i wouldnt be annoyed about it.

My SIL never thanked me when i always take her daughter out and pay for everything. Now i just dont bother instead of winding myself up

They did thank you, op. I'm sure you will hear from them within the next few days with a couple of compliments but you are coming across as rather needy in wanting affirmation by text almost immediately. You know the evening went well, presumably you were happy with it, there's no reason to suppose the others were not. I used to write a note thanking the host or hosts after a dinner but people prefer texts and emails now. I'm sure you will get some but it is Monday, back to work and all that, they are probably busy.

Try to chill out and put it behind you.

This
Your title is misleading, as they did thank you as they left..
They probably don't realise you expect to be thanked again!

They said thank you as they were leaving OP. I've never expected another thank you the day after unless I happen to bump into them somewhere and they say thank you again in passing.

A card/text is ott, unless you're actually writing your original post from the 1950s OP?

It sounds like you’re normally the ones to reach out afterward via text on a group chat, and then everyone else follows suit. If you didn’t text to say thanks the next day, most likely the others wouldn’t of their own accord. So I don’t think comparing the thank yous is useful here!

They did thank you, when they left.!

Being upset that they didn't send a separate message to say thank you again is unreasonable, yes.

This is me, too.

Ime some people follow up, others don't. It tends to be a reflection on their manners rather than how much they enjoyed the evening. The only time I'd be concerned is if everyone usually followed up and they haven't this time, as that may indicate they didn't enjoy the evening. There may also be an element of not wanting to change the usual meals out to at home hosting, and they feel if they make a fuss about how great it was then it might become the new thing for the group.

How many times do they need to say thanks?

You have odd/rude friends. You'd always clarify what was happening before the event so I am cooking x, we will do a buffet, do you want to come round and we can get a takeaway.

The irony being that, if Mumsnet had been around 40 years ago someone would have been saying exactly the same thing about manners albeit would have been about a lack of a call not text.

It's the same as it ever was ;some people have basic manners, some do not, some have different ideas of what are good manners. If the OP had said no thanks on the night that would have been rude.

But surely the hosts chose to do all of that.

if I host dinner it’s because I enjoy it. Not to enjoy accolades for two days.

I feel modern manners are in many ways overly fussy and complicated: gifts for the hostess, bringing bottles, messages of praise by text or WhatsApp, yet at the same time lacking the basic principle of reciprocity. Thank you messages are less important than actually returning the invitation.

Cards for a special meal or where host has made a special effort is what I’d do too.

But nowadays people can be a lot more entitled and think they are doing a favour by turning up and eating @Sosospring ‘s food.

YABU . They said thank you. I would consider the effort / spending if it bothers you - it’s about the socialising!

We host dinner parties a fair bit and it's never crossed my mind to notice whether someone sends a thankyou text or not. When we get invited to dinner parties I will often message the hosts afterwards but it'll be based on our conversations rather than consciously ticking an etiquette box.

Hi OP, was it just one couple that came to your house in the end? The third couple could not make it?

if so, that couple may not have been in the best of form if one still had a hangover from a previous event and the other has been v busy at work. I actually wouldnt be surprised to hear that they didnt really want to go to yours on Saturday night and went along as you had invited them! I could be totally off track there of course.
They could well have been recovering yesterday - by the sounds of it at least one of them sounds to be a heavy drinker.

It may be the third couple in the group and yourselves that insitgate the thank you texts the next day,.

Another question, do ye normally go out to a restaurant when ye meet up? Perhaps with the dynamic changing is another reason for no follow up the next day.

We generally text etc the next day if it's friends that hosted - we dont always if it has been close family hosting as we would be in ongoing contact anyway.

Part of me agrees but another part of me feels more people now actively think they are demonstrating independence of mind ( or something) by snubbing etiquette.

I am not British and even before I stepped foot in the UK, I would send a text thanking for someone making extra effort for me..like in this case, going through the efforts of making food, etc. It does not make that effort to send that text but it shows you appreciated the effort. Noone will leave without saying thanks, that's more out of avoiding awkwardness than showing appreciation.

The issue here is not that OP thought it would have been nice to receive a text, but that she was SO disappointed not to. Disappointment comes with expectations. To add emphasis to it would indicate significant expectation.

Will does it matter SO much when thanks we're already given?

They said thank you

I wouldn't text the next day to say thanks again

I don't really understand. They did thank you on the day. How can "the silence be deafening?". I think you just have an old attitude to formal thank yous. Lots of older people above 40 have this attitude. You were thanked- time to get over it !

Did you formally thank them for attending your evening soiree??

You don’t thank attendees unless it’s a charity function.