To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

[Sosospring]

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

“Older people above 40!” 🤣

@Calliopespa

Is there a book or a printout? I can't manage my social life adequately.

Do I send a Thank You card to guy at work who brings me amazing home-made cakes? I think he's trying to get in my pants - I don't want to encourage that. But I don't want to discourage the cakes! What's the correct thing to do??
I need my own thread. OMG.

I always follow up with a thank you text the next day. Especially if someone has gone to a lot of effort. It's just a nice thing to do. My friends would do this too. I am British, 60s.

I think some people resent saying "thank you"

I think your multiple mentions of how much money you spent on the evening says a lot. You either went way over the top and turned it into something far more formal than people may have expected (or that you've imagined it was), or were trying to show off and are flouncing that people haven't been falling over themselves about how amazing the night was.

Your guests did say thank you and it would be way over the top to then expect a card or something the next day too, it would never enter any of my friends minds to do that and no one would be upset in the slightest. We regularly host gatherings/dinners parties (we wouldn't call them dinner parties as that's far too formal and trying to be pretentious), we get together as friends as we enjoy each others company.

I think hosting isn't for you.

I think some people resent saying "thank you"
You mean saying 'thank you' more than once or twice?

Thank you means 'I am grateful for what you've done for me'. Why would it be required to be said on more than one occasion if it was meant sincerely the first time?

They did say thank you!

Well at any rate you don’t thank solely because your motivation is wanting more cakes - any more than you don’t thank someone for letting you host them, which was your previous attempt to demonstrate that thanking is ludicrous .

I’m sure you can find a book: try Amazon.

It’s not “required.”

But because the spoken thank you is often delivered amongst the distractions of departure, it can be nice to take the time ( really a very little bit of time ) to ensure the thank you registered properly.

I think it was probably just when none of the guests bothered to do so, OP felt a bit taken for granted.

Also spoken thank yous can differ. I’ve had to speak to my dcs before when I’ve had to prompt them ( what do you say? Did you thank x for the lovely day? Etc) and it’s really frustrating when they look at their feet and mumble “ thank you.” At that point it’s worth next to nothing. I’ve told them to really make the effort to make the host feel appreciated, look them in the eyes and say unprompted and with sincerity how much you’ve enjoyed being there. They are getting much better but lots of adults are even pretty perfunctory. I’m sure if OP had something more than a “ well I’ll be off then, thanks” she wouldn’t feel so bad. But I’m guessing she got one of the standard issue departure mumbles .

I have a few groups of friends and have noticed that the rougher (forgive the linguistic shortcut) lot don't thanks via text the next day.

It's disturbing to think that people may resent saying thanks as a pp mentioned. Why would that be?

We are in our early 50s and have always done this. It feels very natural to me to send a message the next day saying something specific about the food or the evening. Having thought about it, we also do this when we have been out to dinner as a group. We usually exchange comments about the night out. Whether that’s a group of mixed parents from school, or a big night out with friends.

it kind of adds to the enjoyment, discussing the event the next day! I would not be offended if somebody did not text me thanks the next day. But it is pretty much normal for us. We are British by the way.

@Chocolatelabradorsarethebest you can enjoy hosting and still notice the spend, the tidying and clearing up afterwards. Doesn't mean you're not a great host, just wd be nice to be thanked thoughtfully via text (not card)

Like you, I don’t personally thank by card for a meal or dinner party, but I know some people who do and I’m always quite happy to get it. 😊

If this is the usual protocol, then I would be thinking what your probably thinking, but don't like to say - they didn't really enjoy themselves, probably due to hangovers or tiredness or the group atmosphere was different in a smaller group, in someones house. I would just stick to going out in future and don't worry about it anymore.

Why do people say this nonsense?? Do you think posts only ever happen once on MN? That once a topic has been ‘used’ it can never be posted again? That’s there are not new users every day? That people might have missed the first thread? That more than one person can have the same experience?

What was the point of this I’ve definitely seen this posted before. ?

What a strange post!

grotty little set of pixels
I think you need to have a break from your phone ;-)

Also the point is that the grotty little pixels have been commanded to say thank you by a sentient being who wants to … thank you!

Yes, the entitled ones

I find the non thanking arguments strange.

We’ve already said thank you once isn’t that enough / accusing the hosts of wanting accolades ?! Wtf. It’s a lot of work hosting and that needs to be acknowledged in the cold light of day or the host can feel abit used. What wrong with appreciating efforts made for you at minimal personal cost? If you are on mumsnet you can post “thank you for last night delicious food and great company “. Why would you not?

You can take extend that argument to absurdium though. Why is a thanks on the night and a follow up text a day after the "right" level of thanks?

I think someone texting "thank your for last night delicious food and great company" shows a an insultingly minimal level of effort. I'd like at least a properly punctuated message and something that mentions something personal about the evening rather than something you could have scheduled a bot to send. Actually, given the effort you go to host a dinner party, a text is pretty casual. A phone call or a card would be better. Actually make that a text AND a phone call/card. And if you were really appreciative then you could post on social media too, so that all my friends know what a great host I am. otherwise it's as though you don't want to acknowledge my efforts in public.

As long as people thank me in some way and recipricate in the future, I'm happy. I have friends over because I like my friends, not because I want thanks. Actually I'd say the reciprication is as important as the thanks - otherwise you can start to feel taken for granted.

This is Debretts take on it and I agree with them!

Debretts! 🤣 Fabulous. Well ladies there we have it!

Thanking someone with a considered message the next day is just a nice thing to do. It makes the person feel appreciated.

It’s like choosing and wrapping a birthday present with care rather than hastily sending a last-minute Amazon gift. Or handwriting and posting a birthday card rather than sending a quick WhatsApp or Facebook message. These things take a bit of effort but they make a person feel good.

I wouldn’t hold it against someone if they didn’t send a thank you message but I’ve noticed how nice it is to receive them. So I always take the time to do this myself. It’s hardly a big effort sending a message, is it?

"An informal supper by old friends" is giving me Hyacinth Bucket vibes 😂
Are they candlelit suppers?
Don't forget to invite the Vicar and try not to sing too loudly at poor Emmet 😁

No, obviously I don't.
Obviously you have a choice!