To break up over this joke?

[hollyfrost]

The man I’m dating recently made a casual joke (talking about something he and his friend found funny) that’s been bothering me, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not - paraphrasing, “what’s the difference between a woman and an egg? I don’t laugh when I beat up an egg”

For context, I’ve been seeing this man for a few months now and our relationship seemed to be very promising. He’s very kind, charming and generally a lovely person as far as I can tell

What I can’t understand is how he possibly found this even slightly funny? I wouldn’t take offence at a slightly vulgar or disrespectful joke, but this surely goes beyond that

that said I appreciate he’s a man and possibly I’m being naive and too sensitive about this. Other than this he’s shown me no reasons to be concerned

I’d appreciate any advice, thanks

I would be concerned he thought the 'joke' was worthy of repetition. Is your BF a massive misogynist? I'd have thought he must be if he thinks stuff like that is funny.
Tell him his friend is a prick and making jokes about beating up women is absolutely fucked up. Ask him why he doesn't challenge this person? Would he like someone to talk about his Mum like that?

I'm not shy when it comes to offensive jokes but there's a scale that needs met with funny and offensive, if a joke is going to be wildly offensive it needs to be really wildly funny or clever and something that makes you think for it to pass.

This has none of that. This just suggests someone who's a bit stupid at best.

that said I appreciate he’s a man and possibly I’m being naive and too sensitive about this

What does the fact he’s a man have to do with it? It’s ok to make jokes about beating women up if you’re a man? 😵‍💫

If this is the ONLY red flag then maybe he just has dark humour?

Both me and my partner have dark humour, and whilst i wont sit and rae about me being nice and normal - i will fo rmy partner. He is kind, caring, selfless, hard working, a family man - but enjoys a dark joke.

If its not your cup of tea then fine, but there are plenty of dark humour comedians around (Paul Smith, Ricky Gervais), so it is abrand of comedy people enjoy.

I find it more concerning that he described the person who told him this joke as 'one of the most entertaining people he met' than the fact that he told OP a distasteful joke. Retelling the joke could possibly (and only possibly) be misunderstanding the 'joke', or not thinking of the implications etc. If this was the 'joke' he decided to use as an example of how entertaining the man was, I think it's highly likely that the rest of that person's humour was also pretty unpleasant. The fact that he was impressed would really put me off.

" - a person who perpetuates domestic violence wouldn't tell it."

Maybe not. But the very many men who collude with the men who perpetuate domestic violence would.

Weird joke. He sounds charming

Very grateful for everyone’s opinions. I’m going to bring this up with him and gauge his response, hopefully he’ll be apologetic. But much as I want to believe this was said without malice/misogyny I do feel justified to be somewhat upset about this

@pizzaHeart the country is Georgia - not too familiar with cultural norms there TBH

That's ridiculous. Following that logic, only a non-racist would tell a racist joke?! 🙄

Of course people who believe offensive things may tell jokes about it and it can reveal their thought processes.

There is room for : people who might be ignorant and not realise the implications of what they're joking about, or people who might think it's funny to be "edgy" and claim it's satire/"people are too uptight" these days.

But people who do believe the offensive things certainly have no qualms about getting people laughing along with their "jokes".

Gender Inequality Index - Wikipedia

He has a purile sense of humour.

Turn it around and make a bad taste joke about men and see how he reacts.

"We have entered a bizarre eon of society where apparently we must all be serious all the time and frankly dark humour gets a lot of people through the tough parts of their lives."

That really is bollocks. What tough part of a man's life would he need to make jokes about beating women to help him through?

CurlewKate
"We have entered a bizarre eon of society where apparently we must all be serious all the time and frankly dark humour gets a lot of people through the tough parts of their lives."

I'm not serious all the time. But my bar isn't so low that I'd stand for a man 'joking' to me about beating up women. He'd have to fuck right off.

Why would you not ask him at the time why he thinks violence against women is something to mock? I would be so shocked if I heard anyone speak like this in my circles and would definitely call them out at the time, it’s horrendous to allow people to speak to us like this. OP find a decent man it’s not this one.

I should have probably, I wish I did. I was just taken aback and also didn’t want to overreact in case I was being too sensitive. This was very all very out of character for him

OP if he's comfortable saying these things in front of you, imagine how he and his friends talk about women in private

That's not a joke, it's a comment that he sees nothing wrong in abusing women. He will say that he didn't mean it, that you're overthinking it, but the fact is that he holds these misogynistic feelings. Think very seriously about whether you should stay with him. The alarm bells are ringing.

I could not get past this. It’s pure misogyny

He sounds very immature.

And a little thick, if that's his idea or wit and humour.

Other than your new romance goggles, what exactly makes you think he's "kind, charming and a generally lovely person"???

Because that joke is the complete opposite of all three things you describe him as.

Get out now!

I'd see it as the universe doing you a favour.

Anyone telling a joke about beating up women is bad enough. For someone to then repeat it to a woman they've only been dating a few months is even more concerning IMO.

Why take the risk.

This 👍

An ex of mine told a story about how he had been in a car that hit a rabbit and how funny it was and I was appalled. He was a kind person in general and it was out of character but I couldn’t ever forget about it, even after he apologised. I just kept thinking would I want a person who had no empathy for a rabbit being a father to my children. And the answer was no. I would be worried and it would dent my trust if I was in your position. That ‘joke’ is just not funny on any level.

I think this is a very definite danger sign. I would not continue with this relationship, however charming he appears on the surface.

It’s definitely not funny, but I can think of exactly the kind of men who would tell this joke in the local pub Germany. Casually misogynist, most definitely playing big/hard men who pretend that they are in charge, but I think the vast majority would not beat a woman.
I am by no means defending OPs bf, but I think he needs a serious conversation rather than being dumped immediately.

Do you still find it funny if another word is inserted instead of "woman"?

E.g. Jew, Black person, Gay/Lesbian, Pakistani

Still funny then?!

Jokes about harrowing topics can definitely be funny, but when they're punching up, not when they're punching down. Jokes that punch down at an easy target are lowest common denominator shite.