To break up over this joke?

[hollyfrost]

The man I’m dating recently made a casual joke (talking about something he and his friend found funny) that’s been bothering me, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not - paraphrasing, “what’s the difference between a woman and an egg? I don’t laugh when I beat up an egg”

For context, I’ve been seeing this man for a few months now and our relationship seemed to be very promising. He’s very kind, charming and generally a lovely person as far as I can tell

What I can’t understand is how he possibly found this even slightly funny? I wouldn’t take offence at a slightly vulgar or disrespectful joke, but this surely goes beyond that

that said I appreciate he’s a man and possibly I’m being naive and too sensitive about this. Other than this he’s shown me no reasons to be concerned

I’d appreciate any advice, thanks

I would proceed with caution

Allowing for ‘it seemed funny at the time and Brian is just a funny bloke’
You are aware and tuned into misogyny in all its firms and so if you want to discuss it as a topic or express concerns about an incident eg in the news - you may get met with a blank look. This lack of awareness may well lead you to arguments and frustrations

Its one thing to guffaw at an inappropriate joke - it’s another to repeat it ( never mind English as a second language- the wording was simple)

Dump dump dump.

I would put on an innocent face/voice and ask him ‘hey, I’ve been wondering, the other day when you told me a joke about how funny it was to beat up women, was that because you expect me to think it’s funny to beat up women? Do you think it’s funny to beat up women?’ And see how he reacts.

That’s is you don’t just dump him first, which personally would be my reaction.

On reflection having a re think i agree with@Lassiata too

I’ve just asked my husband and he doesn’t find it funny at all. It sounds very much like a massive red flag to me. I would break up with someone over this. He’s showing you who he is. It’s important that you listen and act accordingly.

In which case I’d be having a word. A strong one at that, but I would have done it at the time to be honest.

Please do speak to him about this. Your follow up posts haven’t said you plan to.

If he is testing your boundaries, you need to assert them now. Firmly.

At the very least he needs to be educated that these ‘little’ jokes perpetuate VAW by normalising it.

That's the first thing I thought too. So he's not just an arsehole and misogynist, he's a thick as mince one. What a catch.

No decent man in my circle would dream of thinking that comment is funny. Blinking ‘eck OP. Think about it.

An alternative interpretation (which isn’t any better) is that I’ve heard of ‘beating’ as an analogy for sex.

Finally, they say you can judge someone on the company they keep. I agree.

He must be genuinely quite dim to think it is a good idea to repeat that joke to a woman. The fact that he finds it funny is nasty.

The stupid and nasty combo isn’t very attractive in a boyfriend.

This. This all day long.

I went to see Jimmy Carr many moons ago and he made a series of DV 'jokes'. I'd been working on a DV awareness campaign at the time and realised a third of the audience could be victims of DV. It was foul. He was foul. Such 'jokes' are foul. If he's chuckling over such jokes, then it's a no from me.

Very odd that he repeated it.

Because he thinks it's funny/acceptable?

Not sure I could be bothered to find out the reason tbh.

Not sure Jimmy Carr is someone to necessarily listen to on these kind of matters tbh.

To be honest I was confused why he felt the need to tell me this at all

Could be:

1. Testing the waters for future DV
2. Testing the waters for if you are a 'cool wife' and put up with stupid banter and shitty behaviour
3. Genuinely too stupid to think a woman wouldn't want to hear a joke about misogyny and abuse
4. So socialised to be misogynistic that he doesn't see the issue

The problem with this is that you are 'hoping' he's either stupid or misogynistic rather than violent. Those aren't great options.

I wouldn't expect to hear that from any man that I know.

I think now, at 44, I would just call him a cunt
and end it.
This is the first time I swear like this here.
These "jokes" and similar stuff make me extremely angry.
(Soz).

Urgh I would really struggle with this, it's pretty disgusting. I'm not sure I could continue if that's his idea of humour. Really gross.

Misogynistic. Stupid. Hangs out with, and admires, wankers.

Dump.

You can end a relationship for any reason you like.

Fwiw I'd end it over that sort of 'joke'.

What people find funny reveals things about them.

In my 20s, I would have shrugged it off. Now I'm almost 40 and with a bit more life experience, I'd say it's a red flag. It's disgusting, it's not funny and he should at least be intelligent enough to know a woman won't find that funny.

My exH liked to make misogynistic jokes. Over time, it slowly became apparent he was indeed a misogynist. He said and did most of the right things so it wasn't overtly apparent in the beginning. The mask slipped over time.

okay i accept dark humour but that wasnt even a funny joke so i would just see that as a red flag only.

That's a clear warning. Please take heed.

Idk, you said you wouldn’t take offence to a vulgar/distasteful joke then took offence to one.

Some people like dark humour, find someone more suited to you