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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't really understand getting married

284 replies

Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 08:24

I don't really understand the point of it other than it being a party and you get presents. I know some people do it on a budget but generally you spend loads of money, is it about showing your love to the world? I don't know, I don't get it.

OP posts:
Hopingforno2in2024 · 21/04/2024 08:27

Fundamentally it is a legal contract which grants certain rights and contains certain conditions. Everyone should read up on what those rights and conditions are and decide whether the contract is the right decision for them.

Obviously for some people it also has religious meaning.

Whateveer · 21/04/2024 08:28

I didnt have a party at all, nor get presents from most people as we eloped. We done it because we wanted to be husband and wife, simple.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 21/04/2024 08:28

🙄 try harder

EggChair · 21/04/2024 08:29

That’s a very naive post. It’s a legal contract. You can draw up a document separately which includes most but not all similar rights, protections and entitlements, but simpler just to marry. Party not necessary. We just had two witnesses.

BusyCM · 21/04/2024 08:29

It's a commitment. A legally binding contractual commitment of your relationship. It gives both parties protection in law for your financial stability and is proven to be more stable for children of that relationship (parents who are married are less likely to split than those not married).

Solgrass · 21/04/2024 08:29

OP you sound very young

BippityBopper · 21/04/2024 08:30

How old are you @Springisnear4?

Youdontevengohere · 21/04/2024 08:30

Marriage is a legal contract, under which the parties have certain rights and are subject to certain obligations. The wedding is the party, not the marriage.

thanKyouaIMee · 21/04/2024 08:31

I mean it's a legally binding commitment and also (for me!) a religious commitment before god.

It's not really just a party with presents, that's a birthday, not a wedding!

Perhaps you've not met someone yet that you feel that way about? Perhaps marriage isn't for you?

Didimum · 21/04/2024 08:31

You’re confusing marriage with weddings.

Zampa · 21/04/2024 08:32

OP - do you mean having a wedding rather than getting married?

My husband and I eloped, with two Mumsnet witnesses and our children present. I didn't want to spend thousands on one day.

But marriage, with its legal protections was and is important to me.

AmaryllisChorus · 21/04/2024 08:32

For me it was a symbol that I felt differently about DH from any other man. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and believed we stood a good chance of doing that.

Contractually, I understand it protects women better than just living together. A friend gave up a high flying career to raise two DC, one SEN. Her husband's career rocketed, and now he's left. She gets half his very generous pension. Not sure if it would be that straightforward if they'd not married.

Imisscoffee2021 · 21/04/2024 08:33

All sorts of reasons, from legal to lovey dovey. I was with my partner 12 years before we got married, we didn't necessarily believe we had to but our families are from opposite ends of the country so wanted to get them together once in our life, and I got a really good deal of essentially being able to use my workplace free as a venue (and it's a historical palace😂) We splurged on the food and drink but other things werent hugely pricey as wed rarher soend monry on travelling etc.
I kept my last name and we thought nothing could make us feel closer after an extremely happy 12 years, but to our surprise we did! Even found ourselves tearing up during the vows, and it was such a fun day, everyone had a great time so its one of those lovely anchors in time and life for the family.

Pearsplums · 21/04/2024 08:34

TBH I felt like this when I was in my 20s. Then got married at 30 not really understanding the contractual side of it. As it turns out the contract is not at all beneficial to me as both the sole earner and the mother, but fortunately it hasn’t been an issue.

I do feel that when you apply for the license it should be spelled out in legal terms.

Peonies12 · 21/04/2024 08:34

A wedding and marriage are not the same. Marriage is about a legal commitment which offers protection typically to the women, and particularly if the women chooses to reduce her own income because of being a parent. I wouldn’t have kids unless married. We did have a typical wedding, it was lovely to have all our friends and family together, particularly just after Covid. But we’d already been together 10 years and we knew being married was so much more than the 1 day

GRex · 21/04/2024 08:39

It was important to me so that if one of us dies, the other doesn't need to sell our family home to pay inheritance tax. That alone gives more stability for DS. We already planned to stay together forever, and share finances, so those parts weren't even a question. Aa the higher earner who is supported by DH doing more pick-ups etc, I believe that agreeing to share is fair. The wedding was something our families wanted, and contributed towards, so that was nice.

If you don't have someone who you see as a partner for all your life, and you don't need financial protection for your children, then it is pointless, yes.

Revelatio · 21/04/2024 08:40

I think you are thinking of a wedding. Do you actually not understand the concept of marriage? Here is an explanation
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage

Marriage - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage

CelesteCunningham · 21/04/2024 08:40

There's the legal and the social.

Both legally and socially, there is no doubt that DH and I are each other's partner, next of kin etc.

Socially, our marriage is the foundation on which our family is built, the family in which our children are being raised.

Legally we are committed to each other, and that gives both obligation and protection.

Legally, I wouldn't be without the security of marriage.

Socially I wouldn't be without the commitment of marriage, and our wedding (small enough to be MN-approved, but it was a destination wedding which obviously makes me a terrible person) was part of the social side of that - committing in front of our loved ones and then celebrating with them.

I agree your OP is very naive, perhaps intentionally so.

socks1107 · 21/04/2024 08:41

It's gives me certain rights if my husband were to become ill, or pass away ( otherwise his daughter who won't speak to him has those rights) it means I own half the house and assets as his wife and I love being his wife. Mrs especially when travelling together feels nice.
We didn't have a huge party either it wasn't about the day but about the rest of our lives

AnnaMagnani · 21/04/2024 08:42

It's a part of human culture for milennia

It's a firm commitment to one other person

It demonstrates that commitment to your community

There's a whole heap of legal stuff that goes with it, without which I was not prepared to even think about having a child.

NeverEnoughPants · 21/04/2024 08:42

AmaryllisChorus · 21/04/2024 08:32

For me it was a symbol that I felt differently about DH from any other man. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and believed we stood a good chance of doing that.

Contractually, I understand it protects women better than just living together. A friend gave up a high flying career to raise two DC, one SEN. Her husband's career rocketed, and now he's left. She gets half his very generous pension. Not sure if it would be that straightforward if they'd not married.

It doesn't specifically protect women. Had I been married, it would have been to my detriment when we broke up, my ex would have had the protection.

LongCareerOfNearMisses · 21/04/2024 08:42

Compare the legalities of marriage, civil partnership, or nothing (no such thing as common-law partner in law in much of the UK) and decide for yourself what you think the point is.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/04/2024 08:47

As others have said it’s a legal contract which governs the distribution of assets within a partnership. If you don’t work or plan to stop working for a period of time while you raise children marriage is extremely important as it limits the extent to which you can be shafted financially if your partner runs off with a younger partner etc.

But you have hit on something quite important here: Other than insurance for a SAHM there really is very little point to marriage nowadays. And in fact if you have your own money you should avoid it like the plague. Marriage is increasingly a millstone around the neck financially for women and it rarely makes them happy.

Its an outdated and largely obsolete institution in my view and if more women looked after themselves financially we wouldn’t need it at all.

Maray1967 · 21/04/2024 08:48

AnnaMagnani · 21/04/2024 08:42

It's a part of human culture for milennia

It's a firm commitment to one other person

It demonstrates that commitment to your community

There's a whole heap of legal stuff that goes with it, without which I was not prepared to even think about having a child.

Thus - plus religion for me, DH not religious.

No way would I have had a child without the legal protection of marriage.

FarmGirl78 · 21/04/2024 08:48

You say you don't understand getting married but it seems to be the event of having a wedding that you have issue with. They're two separate things.