I don't really understand getting married

[Springisnear4]

I don't really understand the point of it other than it being a party and you get presents. I know some people do it on a budget but generally you spend loads of money, is it about showing your love to the world? I don't know, I don't get it.

You can't. Some of them relate to the way the state treats you.

But that only strengthens your point. If you want these things, marriage or CP are the only mechanisms to get them.

That's a good point.

We got married for the legal protection it gives us both.

Well I loved the party and I've loved being married for 36 years.

Definitely didn't do it for the presents, although we are still using the brown and cream 1988 Kenwood Chef my Uncle Roy and Auntie Barbara gave us.

You sound quite naive if you don't mind me saying. Marriage goes a hell of a lot deeper than a party, presents and the papers you sign. I had a small, family and friends only intimate wedding in a registry office because we didn't want to spend money on a lavish Church wedding. The money we saved then went on a deposit for a house. We are still madly in love 9 years on and have about a fifth of the mortgage left to pay. Unfortunately no DC yet, but we are still trying as ever.

On a legal level it made sense for us. DH is the high earner and he owns the house we live in. We’ll both be level in time but I’m doing professional qualifications at the moment and we wanted a baby. Though I can’t say that was my thought process when I said yes to marrying him.

Quite simply, we love each other and wanted to be husband and wife. We both come from families where our parents have loving and successful marriages of over 30 years and as a result both see that as an important part of showing our commitment to each other and being a family unit. I took his name because it was important to me to have a shared family name when we had children.

At the end of the day it’s a personal choice. We have friends who have beautiful relationships but have never got married because they don’t see it as important. I don’t see them as any lesser. If you don’t see the point in it then don’t do it but don’t be judgemental about other people’s choices that aren’t harming anyone.

Then don't.

Usually on MN, 'I don't get X' is code for 'I don't like the idea of X and I assume anyone who does is stupid/old-fashioned/common etc'.

Aside from the very obvious legal reasons for marriage (which may benefit many women but not all), surely you are aware that rituals and ceremonies marking major events, stages or decisions in life, or changes of status, have been enjoyed and valued by people throughout human history? It's fine not to value those things, but it would be very odd not to understand the concept.

Then you are very, very naive and need to educate yourself fast. It may well be that marriage isn’t for you, but deciding that without understanding what it means, is bonkers.

Marriage isn’t for you, and that’s fine. But surely you can se the point for other people with different circumstances.

@Vod

Its a fair cop. Maybe not as binary as that but certainly I think marriage is always a bad idea for a female breadwinner. The questions of inheritance tax etc don’t really come into the equation until near the end of life and I don’t think its worth the risk of having to hand unearned assets over to a man.

You sound very young and/or naive op.

Marriage = legal protection
Wedding = expensive party

This x 10000.

As a retired IFA when I was working I used to point out to non-married couples that a single piece of paper - a marriage certificate - gave the same amount of financial protection to the surviving spouse as a whole briefcase full of lengthy legal documents. Plus it never needed updating.

Marriage was originally a formal contract between families regarding financial arrangements. It dates from antiquity and any religious connection was bolted on long afterwards.

If you don't want to get married, fine. BUT be sure all your paperwork is complete and up to date. I have literally known people made homeless because they thought a so-called"common law marriage" was just as good as a formal one. When their partner died, they found out "it ain't necessarily so".

You’re right you clearly don’t understand marriage as it’s not about the party. We eloped just us and our dog.

Theres many legal benefits to marriage such as asset sharing without tax implications, protection if you have children for the parent that perhaps slows their career down to care for the kids, be the next of kin. It’s also a commitment to each other to show love.

Oops - I’ve just read that you’re 35!

You really should understand the benefits of getting married for some people by now.

Let me guess... OP is a woman who is living with a long term boyfriend, has a few kids with him, and he won't marry her. So she's trying to convince herself that it's all fine and dandy with her "just a piece of paper" argument.

We had a wedding because we wanted to be married. We wanted to formally and legally connect our lives forever. We wanted to declare our commitment in the eyes of God and before all the people we loved. We wanted to celebrate that commitment. So we married in a church with all our families and friends. And then we had a brilliant party.
Our marriage has lasted 27 years now and we have provided a safe secure home for our children to be raised in.

Does that help you understand?

I will never understand the party side to it (I see it as an intimate/personal thing) and I personally would never want to get married but I do understand that it’s a way of showing total commitment (even though that doesn’t mean much to some people) and for legal or financial reasons, especially if you have kids.

Legal protections for me.

I wanted children. I was not prepared to have children without the legal contract that gave me a set of rights that would give me some security since I was going to take the career hit.

I am not romantic. No hearts, flowers and happy ever after for me.

If I'm having your children I want half your pension if you decide to fuck off one day.

Not every woman gives up work and makes the compromises and for them, the legal stuff around pension, housing, etc is therefore not a factor. Arguably they're the most sensible out of the lot of us!

If you are going to choose to have a gap in your NI or take a career break then you get yourself covered legally first imo.

Secondary consideration is the next of kin stuff. Who make the decisions should the worst happen?

Which leads to wills. If you aren't married and your partner dies without a will, guess who is not inheriting. Yup. You.

Basically I am not romantic and I don't trust anyone enough to not ensure they sign on the dotted line before I make myself financially vulnerable as part of a becoming a family unit and assigning responsibilities deal.

Given how bloody hard gay people had to fight for the right to get married, posts like this really piss me off. If you don't want to get married, don't get married! But don't act like marriage is pointless and unnecessary for everyone.

Usually.

op, it is a legal ceremony. The point is legal protections. It has nothing to do with a party.

For me it does depend any couple who are thinking good starting a family together, buying a house etc the legal protection marriage gives for both of them is paramount. It is exactly why I got married.

for blended families - no protect your assets and keep things separate that you want and together that you want.

my SIL got married to a man with his own flat and daughter and neither of them have wills, she will often say it’s his fkat and she has no right to it but they are 12 years married. She is about to get a fairly hefty inheritance from my FIL and it baffles me they haven’t thought how to protect their assets. If they were both in a car crash and he died first all their joint assets would come to us rather than his daughter (which I would make sure didn’t happen) which is just ridiculous

Also I hadn’t realised the inheritance tax one either, if you are married and joint tenants on the death of the second both inheritance tax allowances kick in so we don’t need to pay inheritance tax - that one is huge for anyone unmarried with children and a house over 500k

Nope!

Spend 5 mins on mumsnet and you'll unfortunately see very quickly the benefits of marriage that so many people don't realise until too late. Too many unmarried woman are left financially vulnerable after having children.