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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't really understand getting married

284 replies

Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 08:24

I don't really understand the point of it other than it being a party and you get presents. I know some people do it on a budget but generally you spend loads of money, is it about showing your love to the world? I don't know, I don't get it.

OP posts:
bluetopazlove · 22/04/2024 03:31

My husband is related to me by law same way my children are related by law
That's the way we like it .

AlcoholSwab · 22/04/2024 03:33

Given the divorce rate and financial consequences, only a blind love sick fool would get married these days if they had assets in place and I include high achieving, childless middle aged women or financially secure divorcees in that, not just men.

There is also a strong social class bias too.

Working class couples generally don't need to bother with.marriage as earnings and assets are not likely to differ much during a lifetime. The state will step in to support a single mum in the event of a relationship break down, so the financial safety net of welfare benefits is ever present.

For middle class women like most on here, marriage still makes sense because hypergamy still plays a major role in partner selection for most women in this cohort. Middle class women are also more likely to have 'careers' as opposed to mere 'jobs', so many do take an earnings and pension hit post childbirth.

notedgy · 22/04/2024 07:09

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Wingingit11 · 22/04/2024 07:16

AlcoholSwab · 22/04/2024 03:33

Given the divorce rate and financial consequences, only a blind love sick fool would get married these days if they had assets in place and I include high achieving, childless middle aged women or financially secure divorcees in that, not just men.

There is also a strong social class bias too.

Working class couples generally don't need to bother with.marriage as earnings and assets are not likely to differ much during a lifetime. The state will step in to support a single mum in the event of a relationship break down, so the financial safety net of welfare benefits is ever present.

For middle class women like most on here, marriage still makes sense because hypergamy still plays a major role in partner selection for most women in this cohort. Middle class women are also more likely to have 'careers' as opposed to mere 'jobs', so many do take an earnings and pension hit post childbirth.

Edited

@AlcoholSwab there is no differentiation in the circumstances you have identified. Maintenance for children would be the same . You might look to a financial settlement but the fact of having children when discussing higher earning females is a separate point. Also nb they might have capital, pensions of their own that is subject to that financial settlement carve up!

NeverEnoughPants · 22/04/2024 07:26

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I don't get your point.

It's entirely possible to be single and want to be in a relationship.

It's entirely possible to want to be in a relationship but not want to be married.

notedgy · 22/04/2024 08:03

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Rocknrollstar · 22/04/2024 08:04

We didn’t have a party, just 6 people at a registry office. The point of getting married is to be committed to someone and to demonstrate that commitment. The state of marriage also confers on the partners the legal rights and obligations detailed by other posters here. Try not being married, your partner is seriously ill and his parents turn up at the hospital with different ideas on his care. A friend of ours has been in a long term lesbian relationship for over 30 years. Her partner is now in a nursing home with dementia and the partner’s daughter has totally shut her out of all decision making concerning her care.

Vod · 22/04/2024 08:18

CurlewKate · 21/04/2024 21:55

@Vod "Where exactly do you imagine you heard this?"
Well,I inferred it from the fact that people
Iiable for Inheritance tax or entitled
to service pensions are the only people who benefit from marriage.

It's not a fact, so that'll be where you went wrong.

First of all, the tax system doesn't just mean inheritance tax. You will have to look beyond IHT in order to understand the difference that being married makes across the taxation system as a whole. Start with CGT, then look at marriage allowance. Neither have anything to do with inheritance tax.

There are other ways that your initial claim about a solicitor being able to replicate all the provisions of marriage were wrong, too. A will in your favour can be changed without you knowing, whereas if your spouse divorces you, you're going to find out. No solicitor can change any of this.

In England and Wales, an unmarried father doesn't have PR until listed on the birth certificate, whereas a married father has it immediately. In UK immigration law, if you're sponsoring an unmarried partner you usually need to show two years of cohabitation, which is more paperwork and faff, whereas this isn't a requirement with a spouse. A spouse has an easier path to make a claim on a deceased partner's estate that doesn't make adequate provision than an unmarried partner does.

On the positive side, not my area but I'd heard pretty much all pensions allow an unmarried partner to benefit these days? It's a lot better than it used to be, in that respect.

Now, not all of these things will be relevant to any given couple. Some of them will be actively undesirable. You might specifically not want your baby's father to have PR at birth, for example. You might never have been abroad and never plan to. You might want to be able to leave your estate to someone other than your partner and them find it harder to challenge that.

But this is why it's so important to understand how all this actually works, and to not generalise.

NeverEnoughPants · 22/04/2024 09:03

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Which makes your point that she's single even less relevant

notedgy · 22/04/2024 12:27

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CheapThrillsMeanNothing · 22/04/2024 14:06

My DH and I got married during covid lockdowns. Just 6 of us plus the 2 registrars. Cost <£500 including giving notice, ceremony, certificates, my dress and rings.
No party or even a meal out.

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 22/04/2024 14:20

I didn't get it either until I met this guy and 7 years down the line he's just asked me to marry him. There was zero hesitation whatsoever. I want a marriage with him as I'm deeply in love and want to make it 'official'. I think personally it's having met the right person that's changed my mind.

Youdontevengohere · 22/04/2024 15:00

Why does it bother you that other people choose to marry, OP?

notedgy · 22/04/2024 15:31

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boozeclues · 24/04/2024 08:55

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/04/2024 17:44

To be honest we didn't have a clue about legal consequences. No one talked about getting married for legal or practical reasons 40 odd years ago or at least no one I knew did.

This is a big part of the problem tbh. People get married because it’s the done thing to do by default and they are not told what the legal and contractual ramifications are.

50 years ago it was just what people did. Partly for religious reasons and partly moral ones. For the vast majority of people those reasons no longer apply but young people aren’t educated properly about the real meaning of marriage.

In fact it needs to be case by case and for every case where it’s a good idea there is one where it’s not.

Bur the miasma of Disney bullshit around it clouds people’s judgment and they can’t think critically about it.

I was coming on to say exactly this. People need to know their rights and only enter into a marriage if they are fully aware of them.

I am not married by choice, but it was an informed choice.

Grumppy · 24/04/2024 09:27

I get you op. Its a bizarre thing to do and a lot of people do it out of tradition and because “everyone else does it”. I did get married, i dont know why as it makes no difference. The marriage tax allowance only applies if you are on low wages. Its basically a legal contract, which i dont think many realise until they get divorced. Honestly, I wouldn’t have bothered if i had my time again…

Redherringgull · 24/04/2024 10:29

I think you're mixing up marriage and weddings, OP.

We wanted to get married to show a loyal commitment to one another. The words we expressed when we made our vows were not said without weighted meaning. We also wanted to be a firm family unit. For me it wasn't about legal protection, mainly because both of us would be fine in life if we split. That said, I'm pleased that all of my assets would go to him in the case of my death.

We had a wedding because we wanted to celebrate it with people we know and love, and tbh I love organising events. Luckily my DH knows this and gave me free rein Grin

GavinStacey · 24/04/2024 13:46

It is, and I quote, " An honourable estate, instituted by God..." You are making a public declaration before God. Sadly the institution of marriage has clearly lost its meaning to many.

Youdontevengohere · 24/04/2024 13:57

GavinStacey · 24/04/2024 13:46

It is, and I quote, " An honourable estate, instituted by God..." You are making a public declaration before God. Sadly the institution of marriage has clearly lost its meaning to many.

It hasn’t lost its meaning to me, it just never had that meaning to me. I’m an atheist, hence marrying in a non religious ceremony. I had no desire to declare anything before a God I don’t believe in, but I did want to enter into the legal contract that marriage represents.

Chersfrozenface · 24/04/2024 13:59

GavinStacey · 24/04/2024 13:46

It is, and I quote, " An honourable estate, instituted by God..." You are making a public declaration before God. Sadly the institution of marriage has clearly lost its meaning to many.

Only in some Anglican churches - many use the 2020 version of the marriage ceremony.

And of course ceremonies conducted by civil registrars use a different wording entirely.

Not to mention all the other Christian denominations and other religions.

user1471523870 · 24/04/2024 14:18

I have your same struggles in understanding it, but I do know I am by far in the minority. My partner and I have been together for 30+ years, have a DS together, share our finances and assets, and life. We never felt the need to get married to show each other commitment....and we feel it's very irrelevant now!
We have all the paperwork in place for the worse case scenario, to protect each other and our son. We both work and would be financially stable even individually.
We also both really really dislike the idea of a party and we are atheist. I give zero importance to surnames etc.
I think we are way too pragmatic!

Pipsquiggle · 24/04/2024 14:24

Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 21:49

Spend a lot making sure if he leaves you you're not left high and dry?

@Springisnear4

You do realise that what you choose to spend on your wedding is entirely up to you?
A service at a registry office starts at £46, after that it's entirely up to you (which is a lot cheaper than going to sort out the same legal protections at a solicitor's)

BIossomtoes · 24/04/2024 14:24

user1471523870 · 24/04/2024 14:18

I have your same struggles in understanding it, but I do know I am by far in the minority. My partner and I have been together for 30+ years, have a DS together, share our finances and assets, and life. We never felt the need to get married to show each other commitment....and we feel it's very irrelevant now!
We have all the paperwork in place for the worse case scenario, to protect each other and our son. We both work and would be financially stable even individually.
We also both really really dislike the idea of a party and we are atheist. I give zero importance to surnames etc.
I think we are way too pragmatic!

Edited

You don’t have to have a party. A civil partnership or civil marriage ceremony takes 15 minutes. You really need to check out the value of your assets, there’s no point in paying two lots of inheritance tax when you could legally not pay any by signing a piece of paper.

Bringbackspring · 24/04/2024 14:30

You've described a wedding. Marriage is what comes after that.

CheapThrillsMeanNothing · 24/04/2024 14:35

user1471523870 · 24/04/2024 14:18

I have your same struggles in understanding it, but I do know I am by far in the minority. My partner and I have been together for 30+ years, have a DS together, share our finances and assets, and life. We never felt the need to get married to show each other commitment....and we feel it's very irrelevant now!
We have all the paperwork in place for the worse case scenario, to protect each other and our son. We both work and would be financially stable even individually.
We also both really really dislike the idea of a party and we are atheist. I give zero importance to surnames etc.
I think we are way too pragmatic!

Edited

@user1471523870, I hope both of your estates are valued below the IHT threshold or you or your DP will be paying inheritance tax.
That's one of the reasons we got married after 36 years, plus DH has to very dodgy greedy siblings we don't trust at all.

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