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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 20/04/2024 20:37

It's a very nice thought BUT involving money in friendships can lead to toxic dynamics.

I would tread carefully.

patchworkpal · 20/04/2024 20:39

I wouldn't do that I really wouldn't.

Timeforabiscuit · 20/04/2024 20:40

Is there anyway you could gift this anonymously through a solicitor as a gift?

It's a large sum of money, and the dynamics it can throw up might be unpredictable for your friendship.

IncompleteSenten · 20/04/2024 20:40

That is so lovely of you.

Maybe tell her you won some on the lottery and want to spread your good fortune about.

53103min · 20/04/2024 20:40

It will be the end of your friendship, I fear, whether she accepts or not.

Why not invest it for your children?

menopausalmare · 20/04/2024 20:42

Please don't do this. Keep money out of friendships.

shrinkingbee · 20/04/2024 20:42

A friend you see every few years and you want to give 50-80k? I'm not sure I believe this 😂

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 20:42

@IncompleteSenten it basically is like winning the lottery. I did almost nothing for the money, having already been so well supported by my family. It's just been given to me because I am my fathers daughter.

I could tell her that tho, as I am known for dabbling in the lottery

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 20/04/2024 20:43

Very generous heart.

I think you really need to draw up a contract with a lawyer before you give money to a friend.

You have to consider if its a gift or a loan.

If its a gift, she may spend it recklessly and or cut you off after, that is something you have to accept may happen.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 20:44

To those saying it will ruin the friendship - this is what I'm worried about. She's a wonderful person and she would never be a bitch about it or anything like that, might just change the dynamics. But it seems such a shame for me to have more than I need, when this could help her get on the housing ladder (or whatever she chooses)

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/04/2024 20:45

A kind thought but don’t. You will destroy your friendship whatever happens. Save it for your children to go to uni; it is so expensive buying everything from scratch, plus fees and living.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 20:45

@shrinkingbee well with covid, babies and health stuff, and the fact we live about 5 hours apart that has turned out to be about as often as we've managed lately

OP posts:
Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 20:46

@Timeforabiscuit is that a thing a solicitor could do?
I would be happy not to have any credit and keep the friendship as it is

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/04/2024 20:48

Also-you don’t know what life will throw at you. You might have need further down the line.

Alwaysalwayscold · 20/04/2024 20:48

I'm assuming the people saying not to do it are jealous that nobody has done this for them. I think it's incredibly generous of you.

I'd maybe try and have a chat about what amount of money would change her life and see what she says. If she says £25k for example then offer her that much.

DefinitelyNC · 20/04/2024 20:49

Just ofer it as a loan you’re not in a rush to have returned. I would go for that if I was in dire circumstances but wanted to have my dignity intact.

MTCFO · 20/04/2024 20:49

Be careful, very careful, as it might not be perceived the way you intend and might damage her pride.

whatthehellnow23 · 20/04/2024 20:50

I think this is a wonderful things to do... if you know you have a solid friendship.
If I was in your fortune position I would love to be able to do this for a friend of mine and I know she would be so grateful.
Then I would happily see her own her own home, learn to drive, buy a car and treat herself without ever having to mention me giving it her again. Likewise she would be grateful and emotional but then happily not have to feel indebted to me forever!
If you have this then make your friends day and enjoy it!

Neolara · 20/04/2024 20:51

It's too much. If she accepts, she'll end up feeling guilty and in debted to you, which will undermine the friendship.

Giving her a smaller amount (£5k?) might work.

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 20/04/2024 20:52

I’m currently trying to do this myself, I think it’s easier for someone to accept the money if it’s seen as “I won some money on the lottery” I want to share my good fortune with my dear friends.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 20:52

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 I don't, that's true, but at the moment, I already have a house and this chunk of money is much more than the £50-80 I'd like to give her. And if this money helped her get some stability with her life (sometimes her ability to work is impaired by her health) that would be so much more meaningful than me investing a bit more money. Iynwim

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/04/2024 20:52

Can she afford a mortgage tho, even if she did have the deposit for a property ?

Will she get a mortgage ? i.e. no debts / bad credit history.

WillJeSuis · 20/04/2024 20:53

If this is true then I really really wouldn't. You get to be the saviour and feel good about yourself whereas she gets to be the charity case who will always feel like she is indebted to you.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 20:53

@whatthehellnow23 how would you bring it up?

@MalibuBarbieDreamHouse yes I think lottery works nicely. Have you had any other ideas about how to do it?

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 20/04/2024 20:53

I think this 100% depends on the friendship. If she is a good friend and you have history, I think it woul dbe a lovely gesture. But she might not be able to accept it.

I know a woman who has been the recipient of a similar situation. In her case, her friend inherited the money and she was at the time trying to buy a business (she worked for it already, the owner wanted to sell), young children etc. Her friend wanted to give her the money completely but she didn't feel comfortable with that. So instead, they agreed a loan. I don't know all the details but I do know they got a lawyer to draw it up. I think the loan is indefinite, no interest, and she only has to pay it back at a time of her choosing when she sells the business or something.

Maybe you could do something similar?