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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
Legendairy · 20/04/2024 23:44

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:52

So comments mostly are telling me not to, but voting is much closer.

Would so many people here not speak to a friend again if they offered this, really? Even if it was very unlikely you'd ever be able to get together money for a deposit?

I don't understand all the negativity here. If she is a good friend I don't see how this would make her stop talking to you. She can always say no if you put it to her in a way that leaves it open for her to do so.

My main worry would be that you would give it to her with the thought of buying a house but instead she just wastes it, as long as you genuinely don't mind what she does then it's fine, money with a condition on is always stressful.

Pinkmoose · 20/04/2024 23:46

I think it's a really lovely thing to do life can be really hard with no help. For me £50-80k would be a big deal but the way you put it this money would still see you ok. Her life must be significantly hard for you to contemplate it.

SD1978 · 20/04/2024 23:46

I would say yes if offered, and greatfully so. I also know my friendships, and know that it wouldn't change it, because it wouldn't be the over riding factor in the friendship, that once it was done it would be done and wouldn't keep being brought up. I would do it, I would happily receive it. The opportunity to not have to struggle, would be amazing

Temushopper · 20/04/2024 23:46

Thinkonmadam · 20/04/2024 23:43

Apologies if this has already been mentioned (didn’t read all posts) but please take legal/financial advice before doing anything about this as there is a potential tax implication of giving sums this large.

You can only gift £3000 per anum tax free (£6000 if you have not gifted anything last year) above this amount there is a tax implication and the last thing you want is friend spending the money then being faced with a 20% tax bill. There are work arounds such as declaring it as an inheritance but a) I don’t know if you can do that for a friend rather than family member and b) if you die within 7 years of giving the money there is still a tax implication.

Depending on what stage you are at sorting the inheritance then an option might be a deed of variation.

The tax implications for gifts are linked to inheritance tax though and it wouldn’t be the friend who had to pay but whoever inherited OPs estate (& assuming they die within 7 years of the gift).

grinandslothit · 20/04/2024 23:46

Can you ask her first and talk to her about it and see how she feels first? I mean she may just automatically say you don't have to do that but maybe a serious conversation would help

Tillievanilly · 20/04/2024 23:49

I think you need a face to face conversation with your friend. Broach it carefully and go from there. I think it would be an amazing thing to do. But I guess she may not feel she could accept. Or if she does there is no guarantee she would spend it the way you hoped.

Windsofchange99 · 20/04/2024 23:51

Why not just be completely transparent with her as you have on here? Say you've come into a large chunk of money, more than you need. Maybe say you were considering donating to a charity but would far rather help a good friend get settled. Be clear that she's not indebted to you or beholden in any way, but you'd prefer to see the money help someone you care a lot about.
50-80k does seem a lot, so maybe before stating an amount have a conversation about how much she'd need to help her out. She may only need 20-30 💁‍♀️
You sound like a lovely, caring person OP, but tread carefully. How would you feel if she frittered the money and didn't use it for what you intended? Perhaps something in place where you pay a house deposit or such like rather than just handing over thousands??

serin · 20/04/2024 23:52

How will you feel if she spends it on something that you consider "reckless", like meet and greets with insta slabs? A box at Man U? Weekly make overs? A flashy car?
Also your DC might not inherit anything if you parents money and property is used to fund care costs.

RosesAreRedRight · 20/04/2024 23:52

How would you feel though if she DIDN’T spend it on a house deposit and instead used it to fund other things you’d consider trivial? What if she uses it to travel, buy things, take a few months off work, and runs through the money in a couple of years with nothing to show for it in the end? Would that affect your friendship and how you view her?

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 20/04/2024 23:53

You can give it to me if you like 😉. That amount of money is life changing. Your friend is very very lucky.

Nevermind91 · 20/04/2024 23:54

Wow, that's an amazing gesture you are considering. Incredibly thoughtful.
Being comfortable now is no guarantee that you will be in the future.
Families can quickly change financially if one or more parents/grandparents find themselves in a nursing home.

Sasqwatch · 20/04/2024 23:56

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/04/2024 20:48

Also-you don’t know what life will throw at you. You might have need further down the line.

Put it aside for your DC for their future.

drymascara · 20/04/2024 23:58

Not in a million Years would I give away that amount of Money to a friend, Regardless of how close you are... you have children and no idea what the future holds for any of You..

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/04/2024 23:58

If you gift her this money you have to absolutely forget about it afterwards. You have to not mind if she drifts away or doesn't seem supportive when you are having a difficult time. You have to accept (and not judge) if she doesn't buy a house and 'wastes' the money on travel, dodgy business investments or drugs. If you can do this it is a very generous thing to do.

I think those suggesting much smaller amounts are not acknowledging that you are considering a life-altering amount. £5k isn't much more than a nice holiday. Would you like to simply match the amount her parents have given to her brother? You know your friendship best, I would like to think that in your position I could be such a good friend.

anythinginapinch · 20/04/2024 23:59

Good for you OP. I would do that and indeed have given a similar total away to people I know as well as friends. I find that if you genuinely "don't care" about the money and focus solely on your sense of being able to give it way no strings attached and we never have to talk about it again, then the recipient is just overwhelmed with amazement and happiness. You make a massive difference to someone who you think deserves it - share your luck in life to counterbalance someone else's misfortune, and then you forget about it.
But you really have to be able to 100% let it go and not think about it as "lost" money. And that for me means a serious think beforehand about can I really afford to "lose" this amount.

I'm amazed more people don't do this. For me, it's one of the very few ways I have of rebalancing what I see as a shitty unfair world albeit one I'm a "winner" in.

billybear · 21/04/2024 00:01

i nearly gave an old friend some money when my dad died.then i listened and thought about it, her son is a waste of space doesnt work.they spend money on silly things then cant afford to have the heating on, so i didnt give her any money,6 months on it was the right choice,her son is still not looking for work, he does nothing round the house, think carefully before you do it is my view

Hereyago · 21/04/2024 00:03

I did this. Said I’d come into some good fortune. Said I didn’t care what they did with it and don’t want it mentioned again. Those were my terms. It worked well.

Blibbleflibble · 21/04/2024 00:05

OP I think you're lovely and I think you should give your friend your gift. As for bringing up giving her the cash, I would ask her how much she needs for a deposit and just say listen how would you feel if I just gave you the cash for the deposit no strings attached and you don't want the friendship to change? And take it from there, let her mull it over, don't mention numbers and tell her the offer is open she doesn't have to decide there and then.

I think the people who think your friend will turn into a grabby monster are not being very generous.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2024 00:08

When you look at how much cheaper a mortgage is than rent, the quicker she can buy the better. .

I think it would be a really nice thing to do and it would give her children a more secure financial future as well.

I think that's how I would phrase it. I would say that rather than leaving her children something in your will, you would rather help the whole family now.

Oncetwicethreetimesalady · 21/04/2024 00:13

Wait a year. See if you still feel the same.
I would suggest the alternative of you buying a house and offering it rent free. Or you could let her pay you back house price (maybe) interest free and it’s.hers at the end. So you’re effectively being her mortgage lender and she won’t need a deposit. If you do anything like this, make a watertight legal agreement.

taylorswift1989 · 21/04/2024 00:14

anythinginapinch · 20/04/2024 23:59

Good for you OP. I would do that and indeed have given a similar total away to people I know as well as friends. I find that if you genuinely "don't care" about the money and focus solely on your sense of being able to give it way no strings attached and we never have to talk about it again, then the recipient is just overwhelmed with amazement and happiness. You make a massive difference to someone who you think deserves it - share your luck in life to counterbalance someone else's misfortune, and then you forget about it.
But you really have to be able to 100% let it go and not think about it as "lost" money. And that for me means a serious think beforehand about can I really afford to "lose" this amount.

I'm amazed more people don't do this. For me, it's one of the very few ways I have of rebalancing what I see as a shitty unfair world albeit one I'm a "winner" in.

I think this is a good approach (and if you would like to bestow some generosity upon a struggling writer then I know one who would be eternally grateful!)

raspberryberet7 · 21/04/2024 00:14

I wouldn't be offended I would be eternally grateful. What a lovely friend you are

Carouselfish · 21/04/2024 00:28

I'd say, look, I think what happened about your house deposit and brother was really unfair. I've had some good fortune and I'd like to balance things out a bit - if you find a house, I'll cover the deposit. Dont worry about paying it back just think of it as the universe balancing things out again.

SoWhat21 · 21/04/2024 00:29

I have done something similar with a smaller amount of money. I approached it in a very matter of fact way. ‘ I got this money I was not expecting I don’t need it and I know it will help you so here it is’ I made it clear it was a gift no strings no expectations. to be honest I know it was still hard for them to accept. Even with the best will in the world it still feels like charity. You should do it because you will make a difference to someone’s life but be prepared for an underwhelming response

blueshoes · 21/04/2024 00:30

If you give away so much more money at once, the risk is that the recipient will think that there is more where that came from and will tap you up for more soon enough. It will alter the dynamic of your friendship, not necessarily for the better.

No good deed goes unpunished. Be very careful. Money does crazy things to people.