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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 20/04/2024 20:54

53103min · 20/04/2024 20:40

It will be the end of your friendship, I fear, whether she accepts or not.

Why not invest it for your children?

Why? My inlaws were only able to buy because their best friends business did really well and they gave them a deposit to buy a house.

They are now in their 80s and are still best friends.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/04/2024 20:54

Sorry as kind as the thought is don’t do it- this is your childrens money and will ruin the friendship. It makes a very uneven playing field for a friendship.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 20/04/2024 20:54

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:42

@IncompleteSenten it basically is like winning the lottery. I did almost nothing for the money, having already been so well supported by my family. It's just been given to me because I am my fathers daughter.

I could tell her that tho, as I am known for dabbling in the lottery

Please do it. It is a lovely thing to do. I would do it too.

Bumblebeeinatree · 20/04/2024 20:54

Don't do it. That is a huge amount of money offer a much smaller amount to help out. Give more as necessary if you want to.

daisychain01 · 20/04/2024 20:56

There are many worthy causes out there who could make good use of that money. Not the big charities, but the small local ones that are struggling right now. I wouldn't give the money to one individual.

A local hospice
Childrens hospital
Animal charity
Military Veterans charity
Homeless charity
local school to buy computer equipment, books, refurb part of the school, make a beautiful garden for the children to learn about nature.

spread the love so that many more people get to benefit.

AnnaKristie · 20/04/2024 20:56

Alwaysalwayscold · 20/04/2024 20:48

I'm assuming the people saying not to do it are jealous that nobody has done this for them. I think it's incredibly generous of you.

I'd maybe try and have a chat about what amount of money would change her life and see what she says. If she says £25k for example then offer her that much.

I really don't think it's jealousy. Yes, it's very generous to have thought of it, and the OP seems like a lovely person and a great friend
But, people can be very funny about money. The friend would feel embarrassed, and it would definitely change the dynamic of the friendship.
Is she expected to be grateful for such a gift, and how would the expectation of gratitude change things?
What would happen if the friend just accepted the money and the OP never heard from her again? How would the OP feel?
It's just fraught with difficulties. Far better to invest it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/04/2024 20:56

God, don't do it.

She will not feel able to take the money from a friend (if she has any decency), so she will have to say no. In her situation that will be painful, and she will also never be able to mention the financial and housing aspect of her life to you again.

fancyfrogs · 20/04/2024 20:57

It's a really lovely thought but that's a LOT of money. I'd feel incredibly awkward and definitely not want to accept if I was offered that from a friend I barely saw and it would change the relationship quite considerably for me.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 20:57

@WillJeSuis it's really not about being a savior. But that's how I'm worried about it coming across. It's really that it could be a help to her and I guess I feel a bit awkward about having so much when it could make a much more meaningful difference to someone else.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I'm not sure. I think she would, I don't think she has debts, and I think she wants to be able to buy. She's just had a rough start in life and so doesn't have the savings at the moment. But I wouldn't want it to add stress onto her life.
That's sort of why I think I need to speak to her about it and not do it anonymously probably

OP posts:
Niegenug · 20/04/2024 20:57

You think you are being well meaning but you haven't considered all the ramifications. As others have said you will ruin the relationship. Your briend will feel beholden to you even if you say it is a gift without strings.

What if she has debts and decides to pay them off or think she will enjoy a few cruises? She won't want to tell you about them so may not talk with you at all.

Also, the future isn't guaranteed. What if your parents and parents in law need care and all their assests go on care home fees. What if you and DP lose your jobs or have health issues. Your children may not get the idyllic life you hope they will and you may come to regret helping your friend so generously if you are unable to help your own children in future.

quizzys · 20/04/2024 20:58

Could you buy a property in her area (in your name) and let her live there rent free? I haven't thought the logistics through TBH, but you will have the asset and maybe a profit if you sell it in the future, and friend will not have rent to pay.

PizzaPastaWine · 20/04/2024 20:58

I wouldn't do this. You say you have DC and you're essentially taking money from 'their pot' if you don't need it. You also mention their grandparents will leave them financially well - can this be guaranteed? Do you know exactly what's put in place for them and if its ringfenced against care fees etc.

You also don't know what's going to happen in the future for yourself - the breakdown of a relationship/disability etc. You may need this at some point.

If it was me and I was desperate to help my friend I'd buy a place for her to live on a buy to let basis. Charge her enough to cover the mortgage so she's not having high rent and let her get on her feet that way.

Desecratedcoconut · 20/04/2024 20:59

I think it is kind but you need to know that it may jeopardize your friendship. If she didn't accept the money then she might spend the rest of her life hoping that you offer again - and that will bring resentment. If she accepts the money then her quality of life will improve but only as a result of your benevolence and with that indebtedness and the shame which follows.

ComeOnThenFanny · 20/04/2024 20:59

Such an amazingly generous gesture, OP. What a great friend you are.

I am absolutely brassic. I was born into, have always lived in, and will die in poverty. I don't have any wealthy friends - but even if I did, I don't think I would be able to accept it, even a much smaller amount. My pride wouldn't allow it. That being said though, I would never, ever forget such a kind offer.

GingerIsBest · 20/04/2024 21:00

Here's what I never understand. All these "your friend will be beholden" "it will ruin your friendship" comments.

Do you know what, if OP really really thinks her friend will benefit from the money, that's a risk I think she should take. I know I'd rather lose a friendship but know the person has financial stability than maintain the friendship with someone who doesn't.

Bumblebeeinatree · 20/04/2024 21:00

If you must can you do it anonymously? I would still just offer a much smaller amount and then more if necessary. Too much for anyone to accept really.

Upwiththelark76 · 20/04/2024 21:01

How wonderful that someone is a fortunate and privileged position wants to help a friend.
I think this is so generous and considerate . Do it . Help some one else and spread the good fortune to those less fortunate than yourself

Desecratedcoconut · 20/04/2024 21:02

GingerIsBest · 20/04/2024 21:00

Here's what I never understand. All these "your friend will be beholden" "it will ruin your friendship" comments.

Do you know what, if OP really really thinks her friend will benefit from the money, that's a risk I think she should take. I know I'd rather lose a friendship but know the person has financial stability than maintain the friendship with someone who doesn't.

Really, you'd happily lose a friend and £80k for a nugget of feel good factor?

Spencer0220 · 20/04/2024 21:02

You are a wonderful friend. But I'd be extremely hesitant to accept if I was your friend.

I'd suggest talking to her, and listening. If she wants a loan, would you accept this?

Whatever you do, please let her keep her dignity.

Pippa246 · 20/04/2024 21:03

@Marven - when I can’t sleep at night I imagine myself winning the lottery and I go through all my friends and family and how much I would give them!

Could you buy a house and let her live in it rent free? That way you are helping her but without actually giving the money away. Is that something that could work?

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/04/2024 21:03

Would people feel differently if it was a lottery win? We often talk about who we would help if we did?

RandomMess · 20/04/2024 21:04

You could offer to buy a house with her? Basically a silent partner.

It helps her still?

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:04

To those saying offer a smaller amount - I absolutely could and will consider this. But it's not like she's struggling to pay her rent exactly, it's just that without a big lump of money, you just can't get onto the housing ladder. And her family can be really shitty to her generally, but also, they're just not going to have that money again (having given it all to her brother).

A few people have said that if I never heard from her again, or she went on a cruise or whatever - I honestly wouldn't care. I mean I would if I lost her friendship but not if she spent it all on travel. She travels a lot at the moment. It would be her money to do what she wants. I really wouldn't ask or want to know. I would just want her to be happy.

So many people saying don't do it tho, is really making me wonder. Seems such a shame to not even offer it and to just carry on hoarding it. But I wouldn't want to make her feel bad. That's obviously the last thing I'd want

OP posts:
MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 20/04/2024 21:06

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:53

@whatthehellnow23 how would you bring it up?

@MalibuBarbieDreamHouse yes I think lottery works nicely. Have you had any other ideas about how to do it?

Ultimately, it depends on your friendship with her. I know my friend is family, she doesn’t have the support I have, but she offers me so much support. DH and I have agreed that the least problematic way to do it is to say we’ve had a big win on premium bonds or something and we’d love to share some good fortune with her, we are going to reiterate that it’s NOT a loan and it’s hers to do as she wishes. We will never ask for it back etc.

AnnaKristie · 20/04/2024 21:06

GingerIsBest · 20/04/2024 21:00

Here's what I never understand. All these "your friend will be beholden" "it will ruin your friendship" comments.

Do you know what, if OP really really thinks her friend will benefit from the money, that's a risk I think she should take. I know I'd rather lose a friendship but know the person has financial stability than maintain the friendship with someone who doesn't.

How would the OP know that her friend has financial stability, if she never hears from her again?
It's fairly easy to spend £50 - £80k these days. A nice new car, a cruise, a deposit on a property that's too expensive to maintain....Then it's gone, and there remains the possibility that the friend might ask for more.
However you look at it, it's going to change the friendship.

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