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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:07

@GingerIsBest @Desecratedcoconut that's sort of what I mean really - imagine me knowing I've got all this extra money just sat away for some day in the future - in addition to my house and other savings - and she can't get on the ladder, because honestly who can without help?

OP posts:
Tiptoptum · 20/04/2024 21:08

Personally I think this is an amazing thing to offer and I would be so happy if a friend did this for me.
If you can gift it then I think that’s better, I wouldn’t like it portrayed as a loan as I would feel duty bound to try to pay it back. Gift implies just that.
Its really kind

Tereseta · 20/04/2024 21:08

I think your heart is in the right place but this will change your dynamic totally. I would part buy a house with her using that money and have a silent beneficial interest in the house. She could pay it back if she sells in the future.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:09

@Pippa246 I'd actually feel more awkward buying a house for her to live in. Because then if she wanted to move it would be complicated, it feels much more strings attached than just a lump

OP posts:
nonevernotever · 20/04/2024 21:10

I would sit down with her and have a long talk about it and include all the options gift, loan, house deposit and leave it to her to decide whether she wants to accept and understand what conditions. Anything else isn't allowing her her space as an adult and your friend to come to her own decision.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:10

I could offer a loan if that made her feel better, but I kind of feel like that will be more stressful? It'll always be hanging over us. And I don't want it back. I can't see either (touch wood) that I'd ever need the money so much that I'd regret having helped her out

OP posts:
nonevernotever · 20/04/2024 21:11

And I wouldn't buy part of a house or a house for her to live in because that's risking a whole pile of extra complications

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:11

To those saying it's too much - if someone doesnn't have loads of savings, how much would actually help you buy a house (in the north). There's no point it not being enough, but I can see that there's a scale of what's acceptable

OP posts:
KidsandKindness · 20/04/2024 21:12

quizzys · 20/04/2024 20:58

Could you buy a property in her area (in your name) and let her live there rent free? I haven't thought the logistics through TBH, but you will have the asset and maybe a profit if you sell it in the future, and friend will not have rent to pay.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest, as someone I know was recently under threat of being made homeless when their rented house was sold out from under them. They really struggled to find another rental property, so if the OP were able to buy a property which she could let her friend live in rent free, she would also be giving her the security that you simply don't have when you are renting. This could also give the friend the opportunity to save the rental money, and use it as a deposit to buy her own place as and when she could afford it.

Maybe OP if you were to tell your friend you're thinking of buying a house as a long term investment, but don't want to rent it out to other people for fear of them not taking care of it, and then ask her how she'd feel about living in it rent free to keep it up together, for you etc. pointing out she'd be doing you a favour, and that it would also give her the opportunity to save a deposit for her own place, or something like that?

Like the poster who put the idea up before me, I haven't thought any of this through to that degree, but it just seemed like a possibility which enables you to help your friend out, without giving away your capital, which as others have pointed out, you might need one day. Maybe you could tell her you wanted to give her the money, but figured she might be offended, but this way it benefits you both? All just thoughts for you to chew over.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:12

@nonevernotever thank you that's really helpful.
How would you bring it up? I think I'd have to arrange to go and see her. Don't think text would do it!

OP posts:
patchworkpal · 20/04/2024 21:12

It will really ruin your friendship

quizzys · 20/04/2024 21:13

I mentioned earlier about YOU buying the house and letting her live there rent free and expenses/bills free for say 5 years, or however long you want. The asset is still yours, and she can save a lot by not having to pay rent and bills so she can get the deposit for her own house together quicker. Maybe an idea??

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 20/04/2024 21:13

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:10

I could offer a loan if that made her feel better, but I kind of feel like that will be more stressful? It'll always be hanging over us. And I don't want it back. I can't see either (touch wood) that I'd ever need the money so much that I'd regret having helped her out

A loan comes with strings… if you ever fell out, she’d feel the urge to pay you back. Or that she has to maintain a friendship with you in the future because you gave her such a big loan… when you may naturally drift. I personally think a no strings attached gift, is the best way to do it. Hint, you’re giving her this morning to get on the property ladder, could even offer to support her looking for a place.

NiceDayatlast · 20/04/2024 21:14

I think it’s too much money. She would probably be happy with £1000 but it’s still a bit unusual to give a friend a cash gift and they could even be offended. I wouldn’t loan it either. Why don’t you give a big donation to charity?

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:14

@quizzys @KidsandKindness yes I hadn't thought about it that way - that each month she's saving that's good for her and means she can buy her place on her own terms later on

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 20/04/2024 21:15

I did this many years ago when I came into a large inheritance. I gave my best friend a fairly large sum. Twenty years later she is still my best friend and the money enabled her to buy a house and be secure from a very young age. It's pretty much forgotten now - somethings, like the fact she sat at my sons side when he was in nicu when I was too sick to be there myself, are far more important and more worthy of remembering.

coodawoodashooda · 20/04/2024 21:15

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/04/2024 20:48

Also-you don’t know what life will throw at you. You might have need further down the line.

This.

hopscotcher · 20/04/2024 21:16

Hmmm, I don't know, it's a kind idea but a very awkward gift to accept. I don't think I'd be comfortable with a friend, particularly a not-very-close one, offering me this. And are you sure you could do it with absolutely no expectation of reimbursement or anything in return?

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:17

@NiceDayatlast I could give the lump to charity and if I don't give it to her than I absolutely will. It's just.... It's hard when lovely people, through no fault of their own, have all this shit to deal with, and then some people like me, through nothing I've done, have everything on a plate. We're all getting to points in our lives where this stuff becomes more noticeable

OP posts:
Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:20

@Mama1980 that's so lovely. Your friendship sounds really special. How did you go about the conversation?
She isn't my best friend, but a lot of how little we see each other is distance and jobs and little kids.
I think in some friendship circles it's not necessarily those who you see all the time who are your closest.
And to some other pp - even if we drifted, it wouldn't change anything or make me regret it

@hopscotcher I genuinely wouldn't. Because otherwise I wouldn't even think about it. It's not a power play, she's likely to never have the money to repay me. That's sort of the point

OP posts:
Arrestedmanevolence · 20/04/2024 21:31

You will care what she does with it. What happens if she doesn't use it for a house and fritters it on rubbish?

I think you put it in trust for your DC so they can buy houses/go to uni/start their own businesses.

What happens if you have health issues and suddenly need round the clock care.

I think you'd be mad to give it up for this friend you barely see.

Hopingtobe4 · 20/04/2024 21:34

I think you are very generous and brave if you can do this. I personally wouldn't be able to,as I'd always have the what ifs in my head. Like my what if my child needed x,y,z or what if something happens etc.

Although I've never had 500 spare never mind 50k so maybe thay would change things.

I would speak to a financial advisor about my money and savings in general before Gifting anything.

ShillyShallySherbet · 20/04/2024 21:39

Could you use the money to buy a small property where she lives as an investment and let her live there for a favourable rent for as long as she wants to? Or give the money to her anonymously.

DrJoanAllenby · 20/04/2024 21:40

What happens if something in the future goes tits up for you and that money would have helped you or your children but you've given it away to an old friend?

You sound like you want to be lady bountiful and as others have said it will end the friendship as she will feel beholden to you.

Keep the money for your future and your children who are more important than this old friend!

Xmasbaby11 · 20/04/2024 21:43

I can understand your intention but I don't think I would do it. She would, if she accepted, be forever indebted to you, and it would change your friendship forever.

You don't know when you or your family may need the money. It's security for you, even if you can't imagine needing it.

I would consider lending her a lesser amount on generous terms, or being generous in other ways (treating her to a weekend away, Xmas/birthday parents).

I am the friend with less money in this set up and this is how I'd want to be treated.