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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
AquaBee · 20/04/2024 21:43

Personally, no.
The only time I would do this is if I had the funds to pay for lifesaving treatment for someone who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford it.
As others have said, money complicates friendships.

DoThePropeller · 20/04/2024 21:44

I would buy a place, offer her the opportunity to live in it for a small rent, then in a couple of years gift it to her - then she can do what she wishes with it, but it’s a more gradual gifting and it will be her home by then so she isn’t likely to say no.

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:45

@Xmasbaby11 that's a good idea - might not be a deposit but treating her to some things is a really good idea

OP posts:
hattie43 · 20/04/2024 21:46

Would the person gifting you money be happy for you to give it away .
As nice a thought as it is money comes between friends and changes the dynamic . I wouldn't do it

Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:49

@DrJoanAllenby I don't want to be lady bountiful. That's not it.
Without coming across as a massive knob, in the grand scheme of my life, I don't think this money is going to be the be all and end all to me and my family. For me to need this money and regret giving it to her, things would have to go so wrong for me and so many people in my family.
But at the same time, we'll still have had more than she did, so if I have a bit less and she gets to buy a house, I think that will be ok

OP posts:
Original poster
Marven · 20/04/2024 21:52

So comments mostly are telling me not to, but voting is much closer.

Would so many people here not speak to a friend again if they offered this, really? Even if it was very unlikely you'd ever be able to get together money for a deposit?

OP posts:
patchworkpal · 20/04/2024 21:54

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:52

So comments mostly are telling me not to, but voting is much closer.

Would so many people here not speak to a friend again if they offered this, really? Even if it was very unlikely you'd ever be able to get together money for a deposit?

Yes

Calllalllama · 20/04/2024 21:57

what about you tell her you want to invest in property with her and ringfence the 25K deposit to you, she can pay the reduced mortgatge and get on the property ladder, she will get a step up and if she sells you can decide what to do with your deposit then.

FangsForTheMemory · 20/04/2024 21:57

Could you suggest buying a house for her to live in between the two of you so she has a low mortgage and you own a percentage of it?

Twistie · 20/04/2024 21:58

You’ve said that she travels a lot so how much is she spending on travel? Is she prioritising travel experiences over saving for the deposit for a house? Maybe she’s not actually in financial dire straits and is choosing to spend her money on things like travel rather than saving for a house deposit - people do this, which is fine, as long as you understand that you are then at the mercy of the housing market. Everyone has different priorities.

I would offer her something like £5k with the story that you’ve had a small lottery win. Invest the balance for your children’s future as you can never guarantee that their grandparents will look after them financially.

Fluffyowl00 · 20/04/2024 22:00

I would get her talking about houses and what house she’d like to buy. How much would it cost etc. How much money has she got for a deposit? If she’s got £10k but wants to buy a £300k house I’d suggest £50k (or £30k or whatever she suggests) as a loan or a gift, as she prefers. If she has nothing and wants a £500k house I would not say anything but say I’d had small win on the lottery and offer train fares and to treat her for weekends or to pay for short holidays so you get to see her more.

I had a small deposit when my parents offered me a larger amount as a loan/gift which I took. I am paying it back very slowly ( I know I don’t really need to) but if something came up I would do so immediately.

When I was young and foolish at uni I received a small inheritance and gave/lent a friend £500 who wanted to do a placement abroad. Not only did he pay it back but he recently commented how this made so much difference to his life. Still friends now.

You know your friend. Do what is right. What a lovely friend you are

crockofshite · 20/04/2024 22:01

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:53

@whatthehellnow23 how would you bring it up?

@MalibuBarbieDreamHouse yes I think lottery works nicely. Have you had any other ideas about how to do it?

It's a lovely gesture.

If you're worried about it ruining the friendship I'm sure a solicitor could help with getting the money transferred without her knowing where it came from.

Thank you for doing a good thing for a friend.

Catterbat · 20/04/2024 22:09

Well I say go for it! It’s a lovely idea and if I had loads of spare money (which sadly I don’t!) the first thing I’d do is help out people I care about who need it. I mean why on earth wouldn’t you? Some of these replies are baffling. It’s not like you’re lending it to her and might not get it back. If she doesn’t feel comfortable accepting it she can say no but who in their right mind would be ‘offended’ by such a kind gesture? You’re in a position to completely change someone’s life. Please do it! The world would be a much nicer place if people gave away what they didn’t need. So many, through no fault of their own, have nothing.

Hiphopopotamonster · 20/04/2024 22:11

Bloody hell please at least ask her and speak to her! I’d be absolute gutted if my friend almost gave me 80k but gave it away to an anonymous charity instead because strangers on mumsnet would personally be hypothetically offended. I can guarantee any friend who gives me a life changing sum of money would be a friend for life. You people are utter weirdos. 😂

Catterbat · 20/04/2024 22:19

I suspect some of the previous posters are people with large amounts of money who feel uncomfortable that someone else might be generous enough to share.

movinghouse23 · 20/04/2024 22:21

I really wouldn't do this. It sounds like you're very kind and generous but I really don't think it's a good idea. Put it away for 5 years and reconsider then. Money does very strange things to people....

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/04/2024 22:24

I've always hoped to be in this situation, to be able to help my friends. So I'd say "I've won some money and want to share" and tell her she's in a long list of people you're sharing with. Please do it, I'm really shocked at the people who are saying don't. I'd do this in a heartbeat for my friends as they would for me. You don't need to make a big deal, just "take it, enjoy it". You're a lovely friend Flowers

RandomButtons · 20/04/2024 22:25

How old is she and is £80k going to get her a mortage for the type of property she normally lives in?

If she’s Mid/late 50’s and a property would be £400,000 in you area she might not get a Mortgage.

Owning a property isn’t everything.

Jeannie88 · 20/04/2024 22:26

Wow, your friend would appreciate this, as would anyone. If I won the lottery I already have in my mind these special friends I would gift to. I can't believe those saying not to do it, who wouldn't be delighted? I certainly would and would think evern more of my friend to think of me. Xx

RonObvious · 20/04/2024 22:26

I was offered something similar by a friend, and wasn’t offended at all! Their reasoning was that they had had help from parents to get on the housing ladder, and I hadn’t, so when they came into money unexpectedly, they wanted to help me out. It was incredibly sweet and touching of them, and, although it didn’t happen in the end, due to other financial complications, I really appreciated the thought.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 20/04/2024 22:27

IncompleteSenten · 20/04/2024 20:40

That is so lovely of you.

Maybe tell her you won some on the lottery and want to spread your good fortune about.

This

OnHerSolidFoundations · 20/04/2024 22:30

DefinitelyNC · 20/04/2024 20:49

Just ofer it as a loan you’re not in a rush to have returned. I would go for that if I was in dire circumstances but wanted to have my dignity intact.

Yes this is also really kind but allows her some dignity.

You can also, in your mind just write it off.

Tel12 · 20/04/2024 22:31

Definitely share your good fortune. It's what moneys for. Just tell her that.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 20/04/2024 22:32

If I had more money than I needed, I'd totally give it to a close friend if they needed it.

Ignore all the people telling you not to do this op. It's really lovely. Just do it sensitively.

Moro93 · 20/04/2024 22:35

Ok…

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