AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

Also agree with this. It's nothing to do with jealousy - no idea why that excuse is wheeled out for every single issue. If you only see her once every few years you have no idea what her finances are really like- if she can travel regularly she's doing pretty well I'd say. Lots of people I know cant afford to travel that much so she must have some spare cash to be able to do that.

Absolutely, if it's within your means, of course you should do it! My best friend came into some money last year and although not on the same scale, she just randomly put a lovely gift into my bank account. Surprisingly, I didn't 'cut her off' or start getting entitled (🙄), I actually just felt quite emotional at the sweetness and longevity of our friendship. If it was the other way round, I'd do it for her in a heartbeat.

In your scenario though, as it's potentially a life-changing sum of money, you might actually be better doing it anonymously via a solicitor (if such a thing is possible). You can assure her (via the solicitor) that it's nothing creepy or criminal but that you just wish her to be the beneficiary of some good fortune that's come your way. That way, if she doesn't know it's you, it won't alter the dynamics of your friendship.

That is of course, if this thread is real!

Some of us have learned by bitter experience that generosity is not always respected or rewarded. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that if you started a thread asking people to relate their stories of lending friends money, the majority would be negative. Understanding how human nature works within the context of money and a friendship does not make people cynical or joyless, it makes them wise.

I think it’s lovely you are thinking this way rather than just adhering to this ‘keep it in the family’ mentality that means the rich get richer etc.

if she has discussed deposit woes before, use that as a starting point. I’m sure she knows you’re well off so I assume she doesn’t resent your different situations at all. Sound her out about it in a ‘I know money is a weird subject but this is something I’d like to do if you will take it?’ Sort of way

Yes, this. I'm sure she'd love the money but you'd lose the friendship as she would (subconciously or not) see it as condescending charity, even if she didn't say so. And the money should be for your children anyway, not your distant friend.

I do wish people would stop with this nonsense about the money should be for your children as if there’s some Immutable law that says money has to stay within a family. OP’s children will never see this money, if her friend doesn’t get it she’s giving it to charity.

I think next time you see her, say you're buying a lotto ticket does she want to go halves, and then a few weeks down the line say the ticket was a winner and that you've cashed it in and give her her half - would that work?

^^This. It's infuriating. People are answering an unasked question. Missing the point.

By the way, if anyone has 50k they’d like to give me, I promise we can still be friends. #selfless

I'll be your friend. 😉 something like this only happens in dreams I'm sure of it. You know if I had enough money to think about giving away, I would actually get a lot of enjoyment from giving small bits to people daily or weekly. Pay for a strangers full shop that sort of thing. I'd love to touch as many people as possible something like that would give me immense joy knowing I've made someone's day changed their week or possibly their out look on life. In this day and age the way the world is there needs to be kindness like that in it.

£50 - 80,000 is not life changing long term. It might work as deposit / part payment towards a house, yes, but there would still be a mortgage (payments vary as we know according to interest rates), house repairs and improvements etc, that she might not be able to afford.

I'd wonder why her parents gave her brother money for a house but not her. Are they toxic or was there a good reason? Does OP know them or just know what her friend has told her.

Travelling doesn't have to be mega expensive but not travelling is definitely a good way to save money if one is wanting to buy a house. If we never took holidays, our joint income would far exceed our outgoings other than when we need building work, but because we like to have a couple of holidays a year, it doesn't.

Has she actually said she wishes she had her own place? Or is this OP's view of what her friend desires.

Consider if she spent it in a way you disapprove of and later a divorce, re-marriage, sudden accident or long term care meant inheritances or income dwindled or disappeared.

It's a really hard subject, mixing money with friends is never easy. There are unspoken obligations that come with it. That being said, I do have one friend who I will share some inheritance (if there is any) with. I have already agreed this with my parents and tbh they would put her in their will but it would make it awkward with friends wider family so we have agreed a less formal route. Friend is not aware of this.

If I won the lottery or got a random lump sum somewhere else, I would give her some of it. I guess a lot of if boils down to your relationship, it isn't a one size fits all situation.

"£50 - 80,000 is not life changing long term."

I totally disagree. For me, 80k would pay off my mortgage which would mean I could drop to 3 days a week at work which in turn would give me and my family a much, much better work/life balance.

For others it could be the difference between getting on the property ladder or life long renting. For others it could be the capital they need to start what will become a successful business.

It's all relative to your circumstances.

Totally agree! If everyone adopted that approach, nothing would ever get funded. Look after your kids by all means but if you have enough and they have enough, share the joy with others outside your family walls.

I think it's interesting, though, many many people are well-off on Mumsnet, in the higher earning and inheriting brackets, and almost no-one has come on and said either they did this or they had this done for them and it worked out well.

Get real. Would you like your mother to give this much money to a friend instead of you? Not many would.

Could you buy a house near her & offer to rent it to her at a discounted price that way you're helping her financially but not directly offering her money. It's easy to broach the subject with her. Tell her you've got this money & want to invest in property & thought you'd get more for your money spending it up North. You thought of her as your Tenant because you value your friendship & trust her to look after it & you'd not have to travel all of the time to maintain it as you'd leave it up to her to arrange & then just transfer the cost.

What difference would it make whether it’s given to a friend or given to charity? I wouldn’t be getting it either way. I’ve never been a fan of people being told what to do with their own money.

I’m still not sure how you think she will
a) get a mortgage
b) pay a mortgage and
c) be able to work part time with her health.

You buying somewhere and asking for a peppercorn rent and paying for the upkeep of it would give her greater stability without the mental strain of her having ongoing funding issues, if that’s where you’re heading. That way you both win.

what did you end up deciding @Marven x

Offer to give her the deposit and she pay the mortgage. Get a solicitor to draw up a contract that says you own X% of the house and if she sells she has to give you back that X%. It will feel less like charity to your friend if you frame it as you are investing in a property rather than making her a charity case.

@Whatwasthatshow I've taken pp advise about spending some time with her, chatting more and seeing what she wants out of life. There are a few ends to tie up with the money and I don't want to promise anything until I have it ready to go to her, given what happened with her brother. So haven't mentioned it yet. But I do plan to.

Nothing complicated, no strings , no rules. Just hers to do with what she wants

@Marven

I'm waiting for the call

@littlestarlittlemoon 🤣