To be shocked not to be told trans student sharing bedroom on school trips

[rosesrredviolets]

DD aged 15 shared a bedroom with a trans girl (born a boy) on a school trip. Dd only found out the sleeping arrangements whilst on the trip and we only found out later. I presumed that trans students would have their own bedrooms at this age. Am shocked not to have at least been asked by school in advance. However it would appear that the policy given to schools is that sharing is fine.

Transgender Trend may be able to advise you OP. They have some resources on school policies

https://www.transgendertrend.com/equality-act-boys-and-girls/

It's really worrying that so many teenage girls seem to care more about not being perceived to be transphobic than they do about their own safety and privacy.

After you've spoken to the school I think you need to have a long chat with your daughter about the fact that it's OK for her to have boundaries, and to assert them. Sex matters. It's not transphobic to say so. You should tell her that if she ever finds herself in that situation again on a school trip, which hopefully she won't after you've made your feelings clear to the school, she is to phone you straight away and let you sort it out.

Did you cover the additional costs associated with this?

It absolutely is when their dd is having to sleep beside someone with a penis. She is a vulnerable.

This is a DRAFT guidance which was out for consultation. The consultation is now closed. It is not for implementation (as with anything at consultation stage). When the draft becomes guidance it will still be non-statutory. The consultation process will take at least several months (possibly years).

@Tandora

This child’s genitalia (God, I hate that word) becomes the OP’s business when there is a chance the OP’s daughter might see said genitalia while sharing a space where the children will be getting changed and sleeping.

Or do you think parents of teenage girls should just accept that they might see a cock and balls while on a school trip? No big deal?

You might suggest that the trans identifying male child would be unlikely to get undressed in front of the girls, but the only way to guarantee that is to have the children in single sex spaces. Safeguarding, innit?

I had no idea I would be accused of making it up. If it has never happened to anyone else in England then school are not going to have any defence. I thought based on old posts here on MN that perhaps it was me not knowing the modern protocol. I know all my kids would happily share and believe all that matters is what you identify as. Never ever thought I would not be believed.

With respect, that is the definition of 'troll hunting'. If you report the OP then MNHQ can look into it.

So far I haven’t noticed any post giving current rules making it clear that a biological boy cannot share with a biological girl.
If someone has this info please post it

Because it would break all the safeguarding rules, so teachers wouldn't do it.

It's not that schools COULD say it's just a draft. It's the fact that this isn't a piece of guidance it is something that was released only as part of a consultation process. Schools SHOULDN'T be implementing drafts under consultation, they are not for actioning.
It would be remiss of anyone in any situation to implement something written for consultation.

Regrettably, denial is a massive issue for adults determined to sell the "you've been born in the wrong body" belief to children and young people. It has happened in other schools but even if it hadn't, even one child gaslit into mixed sex sharing is one too many.
Parents should never be shamed out of safeguarding their children - ever.

Look, you don’t need to show that they have broken a government rule. Have confidence in your own judgment: you would not expect your dd to share with a boy on a school trip, because of the risk of sexual activity and because it would be a breach of her privacy and dignity. This bothers you because in practice it is no different, it is a complete failure of safeguarding and they had no right to use your DD as a prop to shore up this kid’s identity without your knowledge. All you have to do is say this to them and insist that they don’t go behind your (or any other parent’s) back again.

I think it is just a matter of normal safeguarding practice isn’t it? Just like you wouldn’t have kids sharing with teachers.

I think DD would be more concerned about appearing transphobic than anything I could say to her and this is a classmate from start of year 7 so DD could end up ostracized by the whole friendship group for implying that she doesnt trust her or for saying I am not trusting them. How about at Scouts/DofE/PGL could the same situation arise?

Of course op needs to be able to prove that a rule has been broken. How else will she convince people who have made a ridiculous decision that they shouldn’t have made it??

Im quite shocked, is it actually the case that nothing in current safeguarding makes it clear that sexes should be split for boarding?

I think you probably need to explain to your daughter why sex actually matters.

I hate the way they've all been brainwashed into believing this identity crap. It puts girls at risk.

Schools should be safeguarding students. And no school should be arranging mixed sex sleeping on school trips - ever.
The draft guidelines are the direction of travel. Stonewall & other groups have been telling schools that mixed sex facilities are the law and that's wrong. Trouble is as we're discovering, unpicking all this requires lengthy court cases.
Safe Schools Alliance is an excellent resource for parents :

https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/schools-resources-and-policies/

This is the depressing reality for our children - that standing up for their rights will result in bullying from their peers who've been gaslit to believe that girls have no right to boundaries from boys.

Wasn’t asked to pay extra costs but yes, I would have paid them if asked. It was during summer holidays in a pgl type place so not in hotel room - so more about allocation of space etc than paying for extra rooms I think .

Frankly - I think the community group was so happy that we were insisting on a solution that safeguarded both him and others.

I could have been ‘that parent’ insisting that my child identifies as a boy and much be accommodated as such - but I can’t be like that - as I do not believe that my child’s right to identity as they wish trumps other people’s right to single sex spaces.

There is far too much entitlement around trans issues - I love my child and accept this is the life they feel they must live - I will respect their pronouns and name etc - but I am not militant - I do not expect the world to accept his lifestyle at the expense of their own .

My child’s gender identity is male - their sex is and will always be female. That is just a fact of nature.

I also have a daughter. (born female and identifies as female) I would not want her sharing with someone who is male (sex) . I do not think this is fair - no matter what their gender identity is.

How on earth didn't the pupils know before the trip who they were sharing with? This is a massive safeguarding issue.

I’d be furious about this, a massive safeguarding fail by the school.

My DDs’ school has totally embraced gender ideology, but when DD told me that a boy had shared her dorm on a residential it became clear quite quickly that it was a girl who thinks she’s a boy. So even this totally captured school understands basic safeguarding.

If they don’t have mixed sex rooms for all pupils, they shouldn’t have mixed sex rooms for ANY pupils.

I was a middle manager in a Scottish secondary school a few years ago. We had 3 'trans boys' at one point.

One was 'stealth' and it was agreed with the parent that they'd use the disabled loos and be excused P.E. The other two happily shared facilities with the other girls. They certainly did not want to share toilets or changing rooms with the other boys.

I got the impression that the other pupils were more invested in the trans status of these 'trans boys'.

So far as I'm aware, all three have since desisted. One is now a mother.