To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

[lovingthespring]

We're expecting a boy, dh has lost his brother and his dad in recent years and wants to call our son his dads name and brothers name as first and middle, I get why this means so much to him but the names are old fashioned and I really don't know if I could learn to like them.
Do I just try and accept the names that I'll never like or just understand and respect why he wants to choose them.
I have suggested he use the names as double middle names but he doesn't want to.
There are so many gorgeous modern names that I want to choose but I also know this means a lot to do for his dad and brother.

Middle names is the compromise (and appropriate imo).

That's what I did for my DD - we both chose her first name options, then for her middle name I wanted to name her after my grandma, her dad agreed and then he had the choice of which of my grandmas names she had.

So she has:

First name option we liked best for her when we met her

Middle name is my grandma's middle name because her dad preferred it to my grandma's first name (which is very old fashioned and never came "back" like a lot of "old lady" names have).

That’s an entirely different situation.

I agree. In some cultures it’s disrespectful to elders to give children/grandchildren the elders’ names.

So the baby's got your husband's surname and now he wants 2 names you don't like for 1st and middle name.

I think yous should gently point out that you are the one risking the life for this baby to be born. Your body is doing the hosting. You are due at least equal input into the name but at the moment you've got none and you don't like the names he wants.

I think names need to skip 2 generations. So we give our children the names of our grandparents, not our parents or siblings names (which will likely be unfashionable). It's just the way name trends cycle round and you don't want to foist a fuddy-duddy name on your son.

I'd have thought middle names was a good compromise, personally!

Middle names, you mustn't be swayed from this.

Good luck x

I realise that, the point that I’m making is that it’s possible to get over a dislike of a name.

Did you really think that I thought my situation was like the OPs?

Family names like this go in the middle name slots
The child also needs his own personal identity. This is the new first name that you pick became you like it.
So he gets 3 names in this situation both grandad and uncle are honererd and you are happy.
The end

I understand it's a sensitive issue but I would insist that they are middle names. I really think a child should have their own identity and therefore their own name that is individual to them. Middle names can certainly be used to remember or honour family members but I feel very uneasy with giving them the same name. I know a family who named a child after a previous child they had sadly lost. All I could think was how that child would feel about it when they were old enough to understand

No, I don’t think you did. But Op doesn’t like these names and is in a position to compromise. I don’t think she should just go along with it to please her DH.

And she may decide not to, which is her choice.

I personally would.

That’s OK too.

My oldest has the middle name of DH's brother who died. It is actually a lovely name and my own mum asked why we wouldn't use it as his first name. We wouldn't because he deserved his own name and also I think it would have upset my mil to have a "new" baby X - so that when the name was said it no longer meant her baby iykwim.

Go with middle names. Calling him after his dad, his brother and then his own surname is pretty exclusionary of you and your family and in fact isn't going to make his grief any better.

One thing that would worry me is that it could become an occasion for guilt and pressure if the child later goes through a rebellious phase or does something to disappoint his father: 'Robert, how can you shame your grandfather and uncle Robert's memories like this; they would never have done such a thing!'

Also, as pp have said, it might be distressing for your ILs to have to use a name associated with grief.

Middle names are best, IMO.

Pretty sure parents don't compare their kids to the person they were named after 🙄

I agree that baby should have his own first name and one or both of FIL and BILs names as middle names. That way baby has his own identity in the family and other relatives don't have to use BIL or FILs first name for a new person which could potentially be upsetting, especially if the deaths were recent. DH still gets to honour the memory of his dad and/or brother.

It's also unfair that DH gets to choose baby's first, middle and last names and you don't get any.

Not under normal circumstances (I'm named after my grandmother, and no one ever compared us); but I think that it could happen in a case where a child is named out of grief.

Do you know the names of your dh's grandfather's and uncles, if they are old fashioned ask him how he would feel about being named some of them rather than his own name.

I agree with this. I believe a child should have it's own name. I'm names after someone and I hate my name.

I think they should be middle names unless there is some kind of variation or shortened version which you do like.
I think both of you have to like the child's first name. The middle names are less important.
I don't see anything wrong with using the name of a deceased family member as long as both parents are happy with it and like it, but you don't so stick to your guns.

This would be my take - 'traditional' rather than "old fashioned". I like traditional names.

Having said that my grand-dads were Wilfred (Wilfie) and Humphrey (Ted)* (honestly - you couldn't make it up; a pitman and a squaddie) and there's no way I would have saddled my son with those!

*No - I don't know, either 🤔

This is really sensible, and imo the best way to approach the subject with him. (Though he could counter with 'Martina', 'Alexandra', 'Michaela', 'Robyn', 'Danielle', or even the likes of 'Keitha', I suppose).

In my own family, reusing names is a definite thing - I'm one of many women both past and present to bear my own name - and I don't get the squeamishness about using a name given to an older relative, or the idea that it's necessary to find a completely new name for each new arrival in the family. At the same time, using the name of someone who has recently died isn't done. Maybe once a decent amount of time has elapsed, the name is used again, or maybe it crops up in a subsequent generation.

I'd also have a conversation with DH about perhaps getting a tree planted in honour of his lovely dad and brother. Where I live now, there are trees in the local parks with little plaques set into the ground nearby, commemorating loved ones who have died - is this a possibility where you are? Trees benefit everyone and add to the beauty of the environment. Check out the Woodland Trust for info on tree dedication in forest areas.

It's very hard to lose two close family members in a short period of time. It's especially hard to lose a sibling. Go easy on your DH.

No, you're not being unkind at all. Your son will be his own , new person and needs his own identity to reflect that. It's more than enough to honour his relatives as middle names and in his surname. It doesn't have to be his entire name.

It's delicate but please hold firm whilst allowing your DH space to express his grief. Perhaps you could suggest a permanent personal memorial to each together such as planting a tree or naming a star if he feels he would like their name to 'live on'. Your son is not that memorial.

MIL wanted us to use her favourite name a middle name for DS. We knew that she would use it to call him and then everyone else would follow. In fact we had already overheard phone calls with her telling people that it was his name! When DH registered the name he didn't bother with a middle name!

I agree.

Choosing names from each side of the family can be a way to honour both families or cultures in the baby's heritage (Irish/English/Welsh/Scottish/Jamaican/Ghanaian/Polish/French, etc). It doesn't imply a direct comparison.

I would be wondering if he’s also going to dictate the name for the next baby too.