To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

[lovingthespring]

We're expecting a boy, dh has lost his brother and his dad in recent years and wants to call our son his dads name and brothers name as first and middle, I get why this means so much to him but the names are old fashioned and I really don't know if I could learn to like them.
Do I just try and accept the names that I'll never like or just understand and respect why he wants to choose them.
I have suggested he use the names as double middle names but he doesn't want to.
There are so many gorgeous modern names that I want to choose but I also know this means a lot to do for his dad and brother.

Using them as middle names is a good and appropriate compromise.

Please rephrase your argument - stop saying 'the names aren't fashionable or modern' as fashions come and go so it's a moot point.
You need to start saying 'I don't like those names, however, I know they mean a lot to you so am willing to use them as middle names.'

You need to stay strong. Your DH will probably be upset and disappointed - which is fine and normal. I am really against giving babies first names after relatives; they should be their own person, not a walking memorial as others have said.

@Emotionalsupportviper

I adore Wilf and Ted. They are both epic names

I would approach this as - I don’t think it’s fair to give a child a first name of a deceased relative. It’s too much pressure on them. They should be their own person with their own name, not a reincarnation of a recently deceased relative that they never met.

I would not say that you do not like their names. Or that you want something more modern. That could really hurt your DH’s feelings and memory of his relatives.

I think that a first name of your joint choice, followed by the two middle names, is a compromise.

Middle names. Most people I know have middle names linked to family members. I think it is the done thing really. But I don’t know anyone with a first name after a family member.

Wouldn't dh use his own name as a middle name so his son will carry his name when he's gone? He already has his dad's surname, if he has the first name too he'll have the exact same full name as his Grandfather.
I couldn't imagine my dd having the exact full name of my mum or want her to, she's not a clone. I think that's really strange.

The first name you both like and either his dad or brother’s as a middle name. Seems fair.

My husband is named after his paternal grandfather who passed away (young and in pretty horrific circumstances) so shares both his first and surname and I’ve always found it strange. Will the baby share DH surname and therefore if he got his wish also have the same first and surname as his DH?
Agree id give the names as middle names but not as the first, it should be a name loved by you both and I wouldn’t want anything associated with unhappiness or death within the family but appreciate it’s personal opinion.

No, don’t do it. Your baby deserves his own name. My mum died before my dd was born. My mums name was an old fashioned one but I wished to honour my mum so it’s my dds middle name. Mum is honoured but dd has her own name and isn’t saddled with an outdated name.

My Jewish friend was in the same situation, and religion (don't quote me) says to name after a deceased person. However, they just went for a name with the same initial and that was quite acceptable

I agree with everyone else. I’d tell DH he could choose one of them as a middle name (I think you’re being generous saying he can have both as middle names to be honest) but that he needs to have his own first name.

Baby names are a two yes, one no situation.

”Dad, Mum, why am I named John Edward?”
DAD: “Well, son, we named you after them because I couldn’t get over it after they died and I think about them every time I look at you.”
JOHN EDWARD: “You think about dead guys when you look at me?”
DAD: “(sobbing) yes boy, I do.”

Another vote for middle names. Whoever carries and births the child gets final say so/veto.

I don’t think it’s weird at all. My sister was named for a dead relative and she hated it so much she changed her name as soon as she was 18.

No, they should be middle names not the first name.

Sorry but you might be stuck with it.... how can you really say 'nah I just want to call him Alfie cause it's cute & modern (+ everybody on mumsnet says i can)' when he's lost 2 close male relatives....

But I do feel bad about it & would much prefer everybody to have their own say!

This is somebodys father & brother not some car crash victims who's names they once saw in a paper have a bit of respect for fucks sake

The conversation is far more likely to go 'whos that in the picture" & "that's me with dad & brother you were named after them"
Then your taking the piss version.

I could tolerate Ted - Humphrey - just Nope!

Wilf is OK for a Jack Russell.

(Wonderful grand-daughter that I am 😁)

Yes. I do think it's too heavy a weight to carry though personally

Well, I was acquainted with folk who did just this, same situation, the dad’s brother had sadly passed away in an accident. They named their little boy after him.

It was a huge mistake. They changed the name after a couple of months. The dad actually found it really hard that his brother’s name now wasn’t his, it was the baby’s, and he found himself avoiding using the name. It just upset him. He ended up saying he felt he’d lost another bit of his brother because even his name now didn’t refer to him. His mother also found it hard (personally I think she was really upset by it but hadn’t wanted to ask them not to use it). They kept it as a middle name. The mum, like you, had felt it was such a big thing that she went along with it (although she did like the name) but she too wanted it as the middle name.

disaster all round, it really affected the first few months with the baby.

Do not do it.

Oh and regardless of that - it is so UNBELIEVABLY entitled of your H to even consider that he should get to choose your baby’s entire name. Mind blowing. It should be a given that it’s simply not possible for him to choose the first name from his family, as he already has the surname. And where you’re considering a family name from his side for the middle AS WELL as the surname- the only first name option there is one entirely, entirely of your choosing.

maybe tell him that you’re ok with him choosing a first name but that would obviously mean the surname has to be from your side. Watch the entitled male astonishment creep across his face.

bereaved or not, his behaviour on that front is really appalling.

You're the one carrying this baby and putting your life on the line to give birth so the least you should have is a say in what your child is called. Just tell him sorry but no, the names are not to your taste and you're happy to do 2 middle names as a compromise but won't be steamrolled into accepting a name that you don't like when you are the mother of this child.

I understand why he would ask but to persist when you have already told him no makes him an AH.

And is that a scientific result from your official survey of parents who name their kids after the dead? 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 I’ve had older relatives tell me I’m just like such n such and I’m not even named after them.

I wouldn’t have it, but I hate the ‘tradition’ of giving babies the names of their dead family. Don’t let your husband burden your baby with that. It’s not like they will appreciate the gesture. Presumably baby will have his surname anyway? Put your foot down and let your baby have his own new identity rather than given the name of dead people.

I think it requires an honest conversation where you say, whilst I understand your reasoning and am happy to use those names for that reason, I feel like I would prefer a name unique to our child and chosen together. Explain that by doing what he wants it would feel as though you were excluded from he naming selection of your child. You may also have relatives that have passed away and meant a great deal to you, so why is only his family names considered.