Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

@Theuglynaillady no, it's about comprehension and taking responsibility for yourself.

@Needanewname42 places are rarely truly wheelchair accessible, even when they say they are. And Britain is poor for wheelchair accessibility. How helpful a wheelchair is depends on the level of someone's disability and lifestyle. Certainly getting a decent taxi is easier than trying to navigate streets alone in a powered wheelchair.

@LemonPeonies sadly the OP did not did that.

@NoisySnail no she ended up taking responsibility for her friend because the friend didn't do it for herself. That's the point.

In this specific case it does seem there is something off about the friend- not helping to plan or paying her way

-the op says she doesn’t have problems with executive functioning so should be able to do this- but obviously op could be wrong… disability can be complex and op might not understand. On the other hand the friend might just be a bit cheeky completely unrelated to her disability.

but all the just get a carer/she SHOULD get a wheelchair/it’s too limiting to holiday with disabled people/of course friend could do X Y Z/op was being used as a carer/holding people back etc it bollocks.

Mumsnet is always rife with ableism though, this is no where near the worst thread for it. I was told multiple times in 24 hours (on three different threads), that I should just stay at home and not expect access to the supermarket, swimming pool or toilets the other week.

What is?

@Theuglynaillady the entire point in this thread 😑

How do you know what the friend did or did offer to do? OP hasn't actually said. And why was it up to the friend to anticipate that OP would want to explore by herself and eat in restaurants by herself?

I agree. The ableism is incredible.

@wombat15 the OP was very clear about having to do all the organising of the holiday to ensure the friend was comfortable, as well as constant shopping trips by herself that she paid for. Then spent her time tied to one place. You may enjoy rallying around after someone on holiday and not having a break yourself, many wouldn't. Perhaps rtft so I don't have to keep repeating myself and answering stupid questions. I have better things to do.

I haven’t made a comment on the point of this thread?

I made a comment on the scenario, and one relating to the tone of many of the replies, but I haven’t made any questioning the point of the thread.

Also, in what way IS the thread related to comprehension?

The "scenario" as you say, the friend is lacking comprehension and didn't take responsibility for herself, expecting op to. Didn't realise I had to spell it out.

Apart from going to the shops which she presumably would have done on a solo holiday, I can't see why op did not have a break. I appreciate that she would have liked to have explored by herself and eaten in restaurants by herself but she could have said this. I don't think it up to the friend to anticipate. I am sceptical the holiday required much organisation if they didn't do anything.

The op didn’t have to do all the organising for the trip- when it was first suggested that she planned them a holiday she CHOSE to do it.

She didn’t say the shopping trips were constant.

She also hasn’t made it clear whether she had to do extra shopping trips or whether the problem was only who payed- presumably the op would have had to go to the shop for herself in any case.

She also hasn’t made it clear whether she was ‘tied to one place’- it’s quite possible that she could have gone wherever she wanted and left her friend to sort herself out at the hotel but chose not to.

You can’t have it both ways-

either she didn’t comprehend (i.e understand) that what she was asking was unreasonable- in which case she has something affecting her social understanding and executive functioning which means she doesn’t understand and can’t help her behaviour- you and the OP think this isn’t the case.

or she is a cf who knew full well she was taking the piss and therefore there isn’t anything wrong with her comprehension, just her attitude.

Another incorrect piece of speculation, but you are far from alone in this. It’s a shame that you, and others feel the need to resort to insults.
I could not have left my friend lying on a sunbed for hours as she needed help getting on and off, and sometimes with turning, as well as with applying sun block. She also felt vulnerable alone because of her mobility problems so of course I wasn’t going to leave her.
This holiday is over. It won’t be repeated. My friend knows and has accepted this.
All of the speculation and incorrect assumptions
are now really pointless.

@Borntorun123 ignore- an infuriating few who don’t have a balanced view.

Well thats a very odd way of looking at human relationships. We are interdependent and also independent to varying degrees in every relationship. A physical or mental disability does not necessitate dependence or indulgence or special care by a friend/lover/parent though it may do. And plenty of non disabled people also enjoy interdependence or dependence within a relationship though that might be situational.

Disabled people aren’t necessarily needing more dependence or support from their traveling partners than non disabled people. Depends on the disability, surely? And the degree of skill or other supports (technologies) that might be available to manage.

If I have bad eyesight but speak fluent french and my husband has good eyesight but doesn’t who is “disabled “ on our trip to Paris?

I can’t get over the number of posters here who speak a seemingly pro-disabled language while ascribing to the most abelist and derogatory view of disabled people.

@pikkumyy77 people here are talking about more severe disability. Having to take taxis places is not as complex a disability as some, but it is limiting.

Well said OP

@Borntorun123 you are majorly drip feeding. If your friend can not turn over by herself or get off and on the sun bed, then presumably she needs help to get to bed, get up, get dressed and washed? And help getting into and out of a taxi?
That presents a very different picture from your OP where you talked about pushing her wheelchair in the airport and fetching snacks.

Yes, this! It's all down to her attitude and what that ended up imposing on OP.

Well said, OP. Puts a different light on this non-holiday. Glad you won't be repeating it.

That is what I was thinking.

Yes, actually you are 100% correct.